running the race

enough.

2012-02-12T21:32:00.003+07:00

I’m turning 30 in a few months. I have had a few near freak-out moments; seriously wondering what the next 10 years of my life might look like [not to mention the next year!] and feeling SO old. Being single, without children, and living in another country are enough to make me feel a bit of panic and wonder for just a brief moment what the Lord is really up to…

But I trust. I really honestly trust.

My wise friend J said something a few months ago that I keep coming back to.

‘The older I get, the more I realize I need to spend my life on things that matter. I don’t know how much time I have- I want all of the work I do to count. I don’t have time to waste.’

Not profound, but I keep thinking about it. Sometimes it feels like I have missed something all this time. But I know; we never get all the details or the whole story at the beginning…

Today the glimpse became more and more clear. I think today it became more of a vision. Although I still don’t know how it’s going to happen. I don’t know any of the details. Not even one.

I feel this tremendous sense of joy because some things are making a little sense; and also I’m left to wonder- why is this happening now?

I have a lot more questions than answers. Yet He keeps reminding me; He is ENOUGH.

He is enough when there are questions without answers, when I am incapable, and when I don’t even know which country I will live in a year from now.

When He asks things of me that don't make sense and seem quite impossible; He is enough.

When I know I will be met with the criticism, questions, and doubts of others; He is enough.

Then the word of the Lord came to him, saying, “Arise, go to Zarephath, which belongs to Sidon, and stay there; behold, I have commanded a widow there to provide for you.” So he arose and went to Zarephath, and when he came to the gate of the city, behold, a widow was there gathering sticks; and he called to her and said, “Please get me a little water in a jar, that I may drink.” As she was going to get it, he called to her and said, “Please bring me a piece of bread in your hand.” But she said, “As the Lord your God lives, I have no bread, only a handful of flour in the bowl and a little oil in the jar; and behold, I am gathering a few sticks that I may go in and prepare for me and my son, that we may eat it and die.”
Then Elijah said to her, “Do not fear; go, do as you have said, but make me a little bread cake from it first and bring it out to me, and afterward you may make one for yourself and for your son. For thus says the Lord God of Israel, ‘The bowl of flour shall not be exhausted, nor shall the jar of oil be empty, until the day that the Lord sends rain on the face of the earth.’” So she went and did according to the word of Elijah, and she and he and her household ate for many days. The bowl of flour was not exhausted nor did the jar of oil become empty, according to the word of the Lord which He spoke through Elijah.
1 Kings 17:8-16

He is enough.

busy clinic

2012-02-07T16:20:00.002+07:00

say good morning to six patients who are already waiting inside when we arrive. change flip flops. help sweep the floors and wipe down the tables and surfaces that got dusty over the weekend. set up the ultrasound machine. change the linen on the exam table. turn on the fan. pray together as a team. go back out to the waiting room and welcome another three patients that have arrived. call the first patient forward. check their weight and vital signs. ask some questions about how they’ve been feeling. record information in their notebook. bring the first patient back to meet the doctor. meet with each follow-up and new patient that is waiting to be seen; repeat previous process. get interrupted multiple times to make follow up appointments and draw blood samples for the first patients after their doctor visit is finished. record labs in the book. give the child waiting with his mom a piece of candy. realize the air conditioner in the office is leaking water. ask my teammate if he knows how to fix it. turn the fan on higher. answer personal questions about my weight and marital status. ask the shy 17 year old new patient for a urine sample. show her where the bathroom is as she nervously laughs. answer questions of my teammates. [we have too many patients, should we tell some to come back after lunch??] continue screening new patients. take their photo for our computer chart. examine their neck for a mass. listen to the 135 beats/minute heartbeat of seriously ill young woman. find enough medication for the cancer patient on hospice. check another urine sample. find more 10cc syringes when we run out of syringes in the cabinet. listen to my teammate give another ‘iodine talk.' print off more follow-up forms when we run out. make copies of the other clinic forms. stop when the printer ink runs out. see the smile of the woman who is now on correct medications after two years of wondering what is wrong with her. refill the water in the refrigerator. schedule another patient for an FNA (fine-needle aspiration) in April. attempt to make the FNA schedule reasonable. check the calendar again.. what day was that? answer other questions. realize I haven’t had any water all morning. drink water. take a deep breath.
whew.
this is a busy morning at the clinic….;)

cheers

2012-02-05T17:51:00.004+07:00

Today at church we celebrated communion together. A young man walked back to his seat holding a tiny cup of juice and the piece of bread he had just received. I watched with complete shock as he stopped near one of his friends, paused, and held up the tiny plastic cup with a big smile, and said “cheers!” as they clicked the plastic cups together.

I was immediately taken back to the strict teaching I received growing up in the Catholic Church. Under no circumstances do you smile, laugh, or even interact with anyone during this time. Bow your head, fold your hands, and don't say anything. Respect and reverence were taught and were of upmost importance for us as children in Catholic school.

I had to smile inside though.

I don’t think he meant to be disrespectful. I don’t know what he was thinking. But perhaps for him this time was just that; an occasion for celebration. A time for a big smile, and to share this special gift with a friend. An occasion to rejoice. To say “cheers” in the middle of church.

I looked down at the florescent red juice and the bit of dry bread in my hands.

It wasn’t the red wine and special cross-imprinted round wafer that was once so familiar to me.

On this ordinary Sunday morning somewhere in the middle of Southeast Asia, here we were.

The body of Christ.

The grown man behind me was wearing what looked like boxer shorts with cartoon characters on them. The woman near him was in her best traditional clothes. A little boy sat on the floor near my feet chewing on a piece of fruit; it’s juice dripping over his dirty feet and making small muddy puddles on the tile. The children in the front sang in their loudest voices. And the oldest man in church sat quietly in the front playing the bass guitar.

Most in the room would be considered poor by the world’s standards. Many don’t know how to read. Most didn’t grow up learning strict rules of respect and reverence when it comes to a relationship with God. Most of these people just show up as they are; trusting that God will meet them there.

I find it really beautiful.

So despite my initial shock of the ‘inappropriate behavior’ displayed, I found great joy and a smile in my heart as we celebrated the gift of God to us this morning in church.

Cheers.

a glimpse

2012-02-04T21:50:00.003+07:00

For a reason unknown to me, the Lord has placed a particular issue on my heart for as long as I can remember. I figured it would be significant in my life at some point- and yet it still doesn't make much sense to me.

This past year especially, He brings it to mind again and again. In different ways, through different circumstances, different people. I read stories about people I have never met, and find myself in tears often. Sometimes I still wonder why.

'Are you willing?' He seems to ask me.
'Are you willing as you are right now...?'

'Yes, Lord, I am willing.' Even though I don't understand where this is going...

I still don't know.

And yet, I wait.

I have caught a glimpse of the beginning of a new chapter on this journey. He doesn't tell me what to expect, but I think He has made it clear that it won't be easy. I think it might look like nights with little sleep. Lots of prayer and early mornings. Learning; and learning again. Being uncomfortable. Frustration, pain, tears. A loss of freedom and a change in lifestyle.
This past year I have been praying about sacrifice, selfishness, and control.
I like control.
I am selfish.
I want to live sacrificially.

Although I have the ultimate example, I am not really good at any of this...and I want to learn. For a long time now, I have had this longing to give of myself. To REALLY give. Yes, I have given. Somewhat. Yet I continue to sense that this isn't quite it- there is something else. I haven't discovered it yet. But I have prayed. I have asked. I have waited.

I am still waiting.

I still don't know where this is going; but for today, I am thankful for the glimpse.

Glory in shells

2012-01-08T22:23:00.005+07:00

I made all of this! I am here; in each violet spot against the pure white, in each brown curve and iridescent sparkle. I created each one of these; designed every detail, every curve, color, and shape…

Your delight brings glory to my name.

This may be only a fraction of all I have created; yet I am honored as you notice each detail I formed, each color that I painted. I made this for you; that you would remember me as you marvel…

I know each shell, and each grain of sand. On this island. On every island.

And how much more do I know your heart…

'The heavens proclaim the glory of God. The skies display his craftsmanship. Day after day they continue to speak; night after night they make him known. They speak without a sound or word; their voice is never heard. Yet their message has gone throughout the earth, and their words to all the world.

How precious are your thoughts about me, O God. They cannot be numbered! I can’t even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand!'

Psalm 19:1-4, 139:17-18

All things NEW

2012-01-07T20:46:00.002+07:00

I am so overwhelmed with thoughts as 2012 begins...
Most of all, I am filled with hope for all the Lord is going to do in this new year.
I am excited.

(and I was blessed to have begun the new year on Koh Mak island, Thailand ;)

Hebrews 13:3

2011-12-11T14:21:00.006+07:00

This is a letter from a teammate of mine; please join us in remembering Auntie M and asking the Lord for justice and to show us His glory in this situation.

Dear Team,
Tonight we’ll all be sleeping in comfort. Our Auntie M has just been convicted and sentenced to jail for three years. She won’t be sleeping in comfort, but in a cramped room with seven other women. She has done nothing wrong, except for daring to speak up against some wrong done in her community. In revenge, she was accused of selling drugs. Shortly thereafter, her accuser freely confessed that he had lied, but by then, Auntie M was in jail. That happened in May. She has been held in the penitentiary ever since, without proof or an accuser.
This afternoon, I went along with M’s family to the sentencing. Inside the courthouse, we were told to wait in the lobby. Right up til the last minute, the officials were asking for money. In the end, the judge sentenced her without even allowing us into the courtroom. She took the sentencing alone. We didn’t know what was happening until she was being rushed out of the courtroom. She was sobbing, having being told that she was going to do three years in jail for a crime she never committed.
Afterwards, we all drove over to the jail. In an open air room on a dirty floor, we sat on a mat and listened as M poured her heart out in grief. Flies from the nearby garbage pile landed all over us as we talked together. At first, she cried as she recounted her hopeless looking situation, but soon she turned her concern for her children. Three of her kids were there, all in their late teens and twenties. Over and over again, she encouraged her children to live for Jesus. Of particular concern is her youngest daughter, who seems to be wandering away from the Lord. M talked about her own firm commitment to Him and of her dependence on Him. She said that she can bear with her incarceration, if only her she knows that her children are walking with the Savior.
Our hearts ache for Auntie M. She has only been a believer for a few short years, yet she has been through much more testing of her faith than most of us have been through in our lifetimes. Many of us have been praying for her to be free by Christmas, which has been her big hope. Humanly speaking, that seems impossible. The inner workings of the system have conspired against her. But we don’t believe the story is over. Although the judicial system here seems to have had the last word, maybe God has something else in mind. Yes, He makes everything work together for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. We can trust Him. Will you please continue to pray for Auntie M that God will bless her and that His will will be done in her life? We’ll look forward to seeing how He is going to bring victory out of sorrow. Hebrews 13:3.

Immanuel; God is with us

2011-12-08T17:03:00.009+07:00

'The Word that gives life

was from the beginning,

and this is the one

our message is about.

Our ears have heard,

our own eyes have seen,

and our hands touched

this Word.

The one who gives life appeared! We saw it happen, and we are witnesses to what we have seen. Now we are telling you about this eternal life that was with the Father and appeared to us. We are telling you what we have seen and heard, so that you may share in this life with us. And we share in it with the Father and with his Son Jesus Christ. We are writing to tell you these things, because this makes us truly happy.' 1 John 1:1-4

These past weeks I have seen and touched and felt so much…

Last week I drove my motorbike down the long dusty road to visit one of my patients in the village. At one point along the way I hit a big rock and had my first experience of tipping it over into a ditch! While my arms and legs were a bit bruised and beat up, I was fine. I continued to travel with my teammates to a village in the middle of nowhere in order to sit in my patient’s house and give him refills of the medications that keep him comfortable as he loses his eyesight from the cancer that has spread to his brain. I got to hear my teammate pray for him, and share more about Jesus to his neighbors. I got to see the light in the eyes of the young girl who reads the word of God aloud for the first time, and asks in excitement about how she can learn and understand more. I got to see her smile when we told her about the church in her village.

Later that day, we made our way to a different patient's house. As the afternoon sun poured light through the slits in the wood panels of the house, I got to sit on the floor and watch the Jesus film in the Cambodian language with three other Cambodian women. My patient gasped with delight as she watched the disciples attempting to pull up their fishing nets which were bursting with fish.

Last Sunday I ran my first half marathon in Asia. That morning was a different kind of joy- refreshing cool morning air, running through trees and temples—with hordes of Cambodian children holding out their little hands for high-fives all along the route. As I ran, I was tired- I hadn’t trained enough- but running makes me feel alive and so thankful. Thankful for my health and thankful that running is possible (almost!) everywhere. I was also thankful to share the experience with many friends from near and far.

Yesterday I got to pray while my teammates and I assisted another teammate with some dental care. We don’t usually perform dental work, but this was a special case. We turned one of the exam rooms into a dental suite; with a special chair and all. It involved some extra steps like using a lighter in order to melt the plastic on our suction tubing to make it fit with the suction device… (hello medicine in the developing world!) and the doctor standing on a stepstool in order to be at the right angle. After 6 teeth were removed, I got to see the smile of a man who was so excited that his painful teeth were gone. He giggled with delight as we finished- he was so overjoyed that we could help him. Yes, it was all relatively simple-- but brought much joy to all of us.

I am thankful for this season of life here in Cambodia. And I am thankful for this season of the year—where I can remember the Word of Life who came down to earth to live amongst us. Who came to give us new life.

The gift of God’s Son coming to earth has meant a new life for me, and for many people here, too. My ears have heard, my eyes have seen, my hands have touched. And I am thankful for this gift; for God is still with us today.

‘...and they will call him Immanuel, which means ‘God is with us.’ Matthew 1:23

“God did not send the Son into the world to judge the world, but that the world might be saved through Him.”

John 3:17

the never ending [THANKFUL] list.

2011-11-24T23:16:00.004+07:00

As I wrote my thankful list this year- in multiple start and stop sessions- I realized; the list never really ends. It seems I could list things on and on and on… and so eventually, even though I stop writing, the list is never complete. And that in itself is a reason to be thankful.

This year Colossians 2:7 came alive to me again;  
'Let your roots grow down into him, and let your lives be built on him. Then your faith will grow strong in the truth you were taught, and you will overflow with thankfulness.'

THEN your faith will grow strong in the truth, and [because of that] you will overflow with thankfulness. How great is God?! As we grow deeper in Him, our lives are continually built on Him, our faith grows strong, and we are overcome with thanksgiving. That feels like another thing to add to the list; yet another gift.

Here are just a few of the other things that made the list this year…

good beds; feather pillows, down comforters, cotton duvets
redemption
photography
riding in a boat
the smell of sunscreen
Young Life
running a half marathon with my sister
lime, chili, lemongrass; the flavors of Asian food
baby powder
waterskiing
wearing long sleeves
going to a Twins game
espresso
compliments
holding a baby
candles
free time
smells of plants on morning runs
reflections in a lake
always having enough
hot chocolate
a house with stable walls
rain and gray skies
clean tile floors
hand written letters
a nursing degree and it’s opportunities
dusk
chips, salsa, and guacamole
the big city
communication
cooking
encouragement and inspiration
hammocks
being trusted
thoughtfulness
writing
anticipation

a "God" issue

2011-10-30T21:42:00.007+07:00

This evening I went for a run, and listened to a podcast that somehow made it on to my ipod, although truthfully I don't remember how. It was from pastor David Platt, and titled "The Child Yet Unborn."

My true confession for today is that I don't know why I would have chosen to download this message, or even really how it got on my computer. I would not have called myself "pro-choice"; but very honestly, abortion wasn't one of the issues that broke my heart each time I thought about it. Truthfully it was a subject that made me cringe. It frustrated me how much of a political issue it had become, and how people are being senselessly killed and ignored around the world everyday; yet it seemed as though the "pro-life" activists didn't notice or care about these other lives that were out of sight. I always thought, 'What about these people [like the ones I am in contact with every day] that it feels like the world has forgotten? Why aren't we equally fighting for them??'

And I pray I will remain sensitive; to these and to ALL life.

But tonight my eyes were opened again to the sovereignty and majesty and the HEART of the God who created the world, and each one of us. He is SO good, SO mighty, and SO worthy of our praise and humility.

Please take the time to listen to the words [God's Words] which He used to change my heart, open my eyes, and make me weep tonight. Be challenged, convicted, and transformed by God's Word and His deep love for each of us.

The Child Yet Unborn 7/3/11 [#17]

today

2011-10-28T21:20:00.004+07:00

It was a usual visit morning. We had met, prayed together, navigated the roads, and made it to our patient’s house. But today was special. I found myself sitting on the bamboo of the dwelling my patient called home, listening to my teammate share about Jesus to those who had never heard. It was beautiful- the genuine open eyes, actively listening. I heard the words; “We have never heard this before. Today is the first time.”

It was beautiful, really.
Really beautiful.

And yet, my heart struggled in my lack of understanding. In doubt. I wanted to be joyful, but for some reason felt so inadequate. Oh, Father! Why did you choose us; selfish and imperfect, to share these important truths of who you are? Lord, are you really sure you want to use US-- surely there is a better way?! How is it that WE can be vessels of such good news? I know we aren’t adequate.... Oh Lord, enter in…

As I struggled to understand the good news in another language, I was frustrated with myself over words I didn’t know, and concepts I didn’t know how to express.

I struggled wondering if our friends really understood, and so badly wanting them to…

The roads were bumpy, the air was filled with dust. I was hot, and my arms were getting sunburned. I was thirsty and tired. I was sick of the staring eyes and the jeers from onlookers about how the white girl drives. My attitude was poor.

Today was one of those days; I felt so useless.

And yet, what I had experienced and seen; only hours before!

I had forgotten; and I still forget. He is bigger than the imperfection of this world around me.

Even when we don’t speak clearly.
Or the road is bumpy and long.
Or I am tired.

He said; “Who will go?”

[We said we would]

He said;
‘My grace is sufficient;
my power is made perfect in weakness.’

[This makes it possible for me to be here]

Thank you God; that you are bigger than me.

'but now in a single victorious stroke of Life, all three—sin, guilt, death—are gone, the gift of our Master, Jesus Christ. Thank God! With all this going for us, my dear friends, stand your ground. And don't hold back. Throw yourselves into the work of the Master, confident that nothing you do for him is a waste of time or effort.' 1 Corinthians 15:57-58, the message

a few random stories from life here...

2011-10-26T23:52:00.006+07:00

last weekend, a poor village woman shared with my friend about how she and her husband had been affected by the recent flooding:

We had no money. Thank God that someone gave me 30Baht ($1), so we could eat that day. Then my husband and I prayed that God would show us how we could get money for food. Praise God, we were able to catch 2 kgs of frogs; which we sold at the market. Then we had money again. Look how God provided for us!

a few weeks ago, we had a plan to visit a patient of ours in a nearby village. we didn’t have a clear address or phone number. as we drove down the road, we encountered what appeared to be a lake; overtaking the whole road. SO much water! yet we saw another moto driver coming our way, which meant the water wasn’t too deep- we could move forward! we kept driving; stopping along the way, asking various people “do you know where so and so lives?” someone said her house had a red roof. so then the question changed to, “do you know where the house with the red roof is?” we kept being directed forward. by this point, I have learned not to doubt that my teammates know how to navigate the remote village roads. it might take awhile, but we seem to always arrive. but we didn’t arrive at the house with the red roof. instead, we encountered another “lake” that had overtaken the road. and there she was, our patient. chest high in the deep water, washing her clothes with a neighbor!

this week, my longing for fall baking in America took me to the market, in order to buy a pumpkin. I was determined to at least try to go all out and bake at least one thing this season with fresh pumpkin, since I didn’t have the option of using canned. it might have been a bit more work (cutting, boiling, and pureeing!) and the batter looked really awful, honestly. I wondered if I had made a big mistake about halfway through. but, I was delighted to remove the bread from the oven, and it looked and tasted exactly like I remembered! today I brought some of the pumpkin muffins I made to a few Cambodian friends. I was not sure if they would like them or not. they were the most interested to understand the baking process- but I think they were a bit afraid to actually taste them! In Cambodian language if you don’t like something, it literally translates to “I don’t know how to eat it” They all said that they “were able" to eat them; but I don’t know if I would say they were a huge hit. I think the excitement was more about baking a sweet using pumpkin. the best comment; “they smell like Chinese medicine.”

;)

how to describe cinnamon to someone who has never tasted it...!?

new day

2011-10-05T07:54:00.002+07:00

waking up to a gray sky
and rain

[love]

drops fall from the leaves over my head
on my face along the road
cool air
long sleeves
hot espresso
music
watching people
the Word of God
alive, new
around me,
in my heart

“Behold, I am making all things new...” Revelation 21:5

friendly

2011-09-12T19:32:00.003+07:00

one thing I love about Cambodia is the curiosity and warmth of so many people. many young people especially are not afraid to be friendly and practice their English, or just to talk to a white girl... or because they are curious or surprised that I can say even a few words in their language.

tonight I went to a shop I had never been to so I could buy phone credit. two young women were leaving as I was arriving, and overheard me talking to the seller. as I was leaving, they were waiting outside for me. "oh, sister! your khmer is so clear. how long have you been here?" and on and on she went... we chatted for a few minutes about work, school, and where she was off to tonight.

"do you have a phone?" she asked. I laughed as she asked for my phone number. we have never met. and honestly, this happens all the time! sometimes I reveal my number, sometimes not. only some of the time do I get calls back, or cute texts in hard to understand English.

I can't help but smile; when else would you be asked for your phone number from a complete stranger? (or give it?!)
and I always laugh, thinking, 'if only I could find a boyfriend this easily...' ;)

alone [and not]

2011-09-03T17:58:00.001+07:00

in my mind it began very clearly as I sat in one of the middle seats. I was by myself, but this time it felt different. more unwelcome. I was deeply lonely. I was surrounded by other people, but I was alone. It was the most alone I had ever felt. I was leaving behind a community and I felt pain that was strong enough to make me feel as if my heart was breaking. “oh Father, I know I am not truly alone…” I whispered in my heart. and I did know. but it was really hard- and painfully lonely.

that day seemingly began a journey of a different kind of alone-ness; one that I had not yet discovered. one with hills, valleys, and plains that I have traveled ever since. many times I have been surprised at how perhaps I should feel lonely, but I don’t. connections and friendships came out of nowhere, as if He was holding me close. and in the silence and quiet, I have grown. I have grown to require this space, which I delight in.

other times, I have days of dark- I have wondered how I would move forward. some days, I felt [and feel] stuck. unable to gain perspective. my independence is no longer a joy. sometimes it just hurts.

but with each step [or lack thereof] my Father is there.

the alone shows up in different ways and in different circumstances; sometimes I fight tears and sometimes not; sometimes I’m honest, and other times I can’t believe I let these thoughts escape my head and make it on to paper…

the psalmist says, ‘he sets the lonely in families,’ and ‘he gives the childless woman a family, making her a happy mother.’ [psalms 113, 68]

Father, I don’t always understand, but I trust.

and I know that I am not even alone in these thoughts.
I know there are others who share them; and for today anyway, I’m not afraid to write them down and give them life.

September; a new beginning?

2011-09-02T15:50:00.004+07:00

I want to write more…

I don’t even know where to begin, but I think I need to start by just writing; and not worry what about..

yesterday I was driving my moto down the main road in Poipet in the morning. out of the corner of my eye, I saw I someone slowly running down the side of the street; I realized it was a completely naked woman, holding a pair of jeans. she looked so disoriented, her face pained; as she continued forward, oblivious…

It happened so quickly that I was down the road quite a way before I realized what I had just witnessed. even now, I don’t know what I could have done differently, but I can’t get the scene out of my head.

lost. alone.

these are the words that keep coming to mind when her I think of her. I didn’t notice a reaction of any people around her, but I wonder how others saw her. did they feel pity? did they laugh? did anyone dare to try to help her; this disheveled individual who obviously didn’t fit in their conservative culture?

an adult who seemed so neglected and forgotten. she is His child, I thought. I wanted so much for her to be cared for and looked after; to not feel alone. I wondered where her mind was. I wondered what I could do. I think I will always struggle; wanting to love in these situations and not knowing how.

hours later, I sat in a van in Bangkok traffic praying and listening to music, as we weaved in and out of a sea of cars, trucks, and flashing lights. I was seemingly transformed to a different world; but I still had this image of this naked woman, wandering aimless down the street.

I am trying to listen, but I don’t have an conclusion yet…

snapshots from August 1

2011-08-01T20:11:00.016+07:00

today was such a great beginning

to a new month!

new chapter on the journey

2011-07-30T14:47:00.003+07:00

As much of the work within medicine may be familiar and comfortable to me, I want to be sensitive to the needs of those around me and not stop at involvement in obvious medical need. This is not the main issue, and yet I feel so grateful to have been given a door by which to enter into the lives of those around me.

This past week, a few of us gathered outside a house, a very simple shack on borrowed land. As I listened to one of my patients share, the young woman who called this place home, my mind raced. She cried a little, telling us of her feelings of hopelessness. She told us how her husband had left and she was alone. She was young, jobless, and poor. She had just been diagnosed with cancer a few days before.

What was next? Maybe surgery? But there wasn’t enough money. Yet, with what value do we measure her life?

God, you are a God of justice. Give us wisdom. Where do we go from here?

We offered what support we could with our words and presence. I honestly wondered if it even mattered. I wondered if she saw us as only rich workers in an organization who had the power to help-- but would only sit with her, offering words, which didn’t feel like enough…

Is this a place for questioning? And judgment is unfortunately too easy…

I know there are more questions to ask.

I know this is only the beginning of our involvement in this one life.

And I know that I have only just begun a new chapter in the journey; where once again I have the privilege of getting up close and personal with many who hurt.

So I pray against being callous and hardened- against getting ‘used to’ the poverty of hopelessness around me, because through Jesus we have been offered more. Tears fall when I recall these situations, and even though I am tired of my emotions always revealed, I don’t want the tears to stop when I am no longer ‘new’ at this job. Even though I have only just met her, I will remind myself that it is okay to cry. She is His child. He loves her deeply.

He has given us hope in what is bigger than the feelings of despair that often seem to prevail in this community, and I will continue to shed tears for those He loves, and cling to Hope.

I do have confidence in His promises unfolding and in His love. For this woman, her neighbors, and for us, too; as we do our best to make His hope and justice come on earth as it is in Heaven.

‘We know what real love is because Jesus gave up his life for us. So we also ought to give up our lives for our brothers and sisters. If someone has enough money to live well and sees a brother or sister in need but shows no compassion- how can God’s love be in that person? Dear children, let’s not merely say that we love each other; let us show the truth by our actions.’ 1 John 3:16-18

year 2

2011-07-23T22:14:00.003+07:00

…though they may surround me like lions

and crush me on all sides,

I may fall, but I will rise

not by my might, or my power, or by the strength of souls

only by Your love, my Lord.

[rise, josh garrels]

I have finished my first full week of work in Cambodia! And as I begin year two, I can say that I feel confident I am right where God wants me for this period of life. I am excited to work in a role where I very much feel like I ‘fit’ and really look forward to getting to know some of my patients, as well as better knowing those I work with.

In the past weeks, many thoughts have been swirling around in my mind. I want to write, but I often can’t find the words...

I am thinking lots, praying lots, (although there is always room for more… )

more soon….

visiting a patient at her home this past week

3am haiku

2011-07-11T09:30:00.001+07:00

awake in the dark
sleepless lonely and thinking
waiting for the light

what I read today

2011-06-25T10:50:00.003+07:00

'Our Christian habit is to bewail the world's deteriorating standards with an air of self-righteous dismay. We criticize its violence, dishonesty, immorality, disregard for human life, and materialistic greed. "The world is going down the drain," we say with a shrug. But whose fault is it? Who is to blame? Let me put it like this. If the house is dark when nightfall comes, there is no sense in blaming the house, for that is what happens when the sun goies down. The question to ask is "Where is the light?" If the meat goes bad and becomes inedible, there is no sense in blaming the meat, for that is what happens when bacteria are left alone to breed. The question to ask is "Where is the salt?" Just so, if society deteriorates and its standards decline, till it becomes like a dark night or stinking fish, there is no sense in blaming society, for that is what happens when fallen men and women are left to themselves, and when human selfishness is unchecked. The question to ask is "Where is the church? Why are the salt and light of Jesus Christ not permeating and changing our society?" It is sheer hypocrisy on our part to raise our eyebrows, shrug our shoulders or wring our hands. The Lord Jesus told us to be the world's salt and light. If therefore darkness and rottenness abound, it is our fault and we must accept the blame.'
-John Stott

caught; running (forward)

2011-05-17T03:33:00.004+07:00

the air hits me cold
my senses are alive
with the newness of
this time
this day
this step

my feet, numb. heavy. clumsy.
beat on the uneven path
worn away by the footprints
of all who have run before
and by the rain of yesterday
as the rocks protrude
smooth and flat
large and sharp
they threaten to ruin my steps forward
but on I move
up the hills, through the rocks
further along

I am caught
between the rains of yesterday
which have drowned my path
the rocks which threaten to destroy my footing

and the canopy of new life overhead
glowing green details dancing in the wind
the blue brightness tries to take over the gray
puffy white mixes with vibrant beams
that light up the water under my feet like a mirror
each step catches my breath
as I wipe the sweat
yet fly faster, now downhill
aware of my steps
and how pieces of the canopy have fallen like confetti

under my feet
pieces of light
decorate the dark muddy path
as my steps go on, slapping the water

the damp dead of yesterday

has been overcome by new life falling down from overhead

and my pace

now light and quick,

finds glory in this place

where I am

caught.

smiles and memories from the past year

2011-05-10T01:48:00.002+07:00

update

2011-05-08T03:51:00.006+07:00

‘And he will startle many nations. Kings will stand speechless in his presence. For they will see what they had not been told; they will understand what they had not heard about.’ Isaiah 52:15

This morning I received an email from a Cambodian friend. She has been emailing me consistently the past week and a half; sharing her joys and struggles as she begins a new life as a follower of Jesus. She has been learning about the person of Christ for a while now, as well as reading the Bible and asking lots of questions. The last time we spoke in person, she told me, “I just have so many questions, and so many things I don’t understand.” I told her it was ok to ask questions and not understand everything… keep asking, keep reading, and keep looking…

She has emailed me many questions- regarding persecution, and how to understand God’s plan for the world, amongst a few. And now she shares about how she is doing well, because God has given her peace and joy. She asks for prayer, that her mother and sister would keep reading their Bibles and trying to understand God, too- as well as prayer for the rest of her family who thinks it is not appropriate to follow Jesus. “Thank you, sister, for helping me to get close to God. Sister, I miss you...” she writes in closing.

I stand humbled and amazed that God would allow me to witness transformation in this young woman. I am honored to receive these emails, pray with and for her, and share conversation; whether it be in person or by email. What a joy to share the hope and peace of Christ with this sister who is so eager to learn and grow in knowledge.

I arrived in America via Portland Oregon two weeks ago! This is a time for me to connect with many of you (as many as possible!) as well as rest a little, hug my family, and pray and make some arrangements for my return to Cambodia in July. I will be in Oregon until early June, and Minnesota until early July.

Prior to my return to the US, I was able to attend the annual Pioneers retreat for SE Asia in Thailand. It was truly a gift to meet together, encourage one another and be encouraged as we shared stories of what God is doing in our lives and in the lives of those we live and work amongst.

Please pray for my friend and her family who are for the first time ‘seeing what they had not (yet) been told’ and ‘understanding what they had not (yet) heard about’

I rejoice that we have a Savior in Jesus who pursues us, and who ‘bore the sins of many and interceded for rebels (us!).’ (Isaiah 53:12) Please join me in prayer for my friend who is just beginning her journey of faith and understanding of Jesus and his love for her.

Please also join me in prayer for many uncertain details of my work role when I return to Cambodia in July. There are many specific things that must be in place and made clear before I will begin working full time; pray that the Lord would clarify each step as I work through the details during this time.

tulips outside my house in Oregon!

loving spending time with baby Luke! (and his family!)

forgive-forgave-forgiven

2011-03-20T19:44:00.002+07:00

The text for the English lesson was found in the gospel of John. Chapter eight, about the woman who was caught in adultery. The text is in simplified English, but the story is the same. The woman is caught in the midst of her sin. “a wrong and wicked thing” according to the Easy English text. The leaders want to stone her to death; Jesus turns it around. “Whoever has never done anything wrong may throw a stone.” he says. The leaders walk away, Jesus confronts the woman- with forgiveness.

I wrote these words on the white board:
forgive= forgave (past tense)
Ex)
Will you forgive me?
Jesus forgave the woman.
He forgives us.

And then I realized that I not only wrote a few short sentences with the different tenses of the word “forgive,” but I had the opportunity to talk about forgiveness too! Because this is not only the text we use to learn new words in English, but it’s a really incredible and powerful story. It’s true, and real, and alive! I believe the text in these Easy English lessons has the power to change the lives of those who hear it; it is so much greater than just an English lesson. What JOY I have discovered in being able to share about the miracles of Jesus with some women who are so eager to learn.
Just one of the things I have been up to these past weeks.. . ;)

adopted

2011-03-19T21:50:00.001+07:00

(thanks Jen, this is beautiful... and I don't believe other words are necessary)

guest blog

2011-02-23T16:21:00.004+07:00

I can't help but re-post this blog I read this morning from a young woman whose faith and walk with Christ continues to reach in and grab my heart. Younger than me, and a single mother of 14 daughters in Uganda, she is yet another example that truly anything Jesus asks of us is possible. When He calls; He also equips. He has used her story to get my attention, today being just one of the days...

It can be found here
( The Journey; www.kissesfromkatie.blogspot.com/)

“Jesus! Mama, baby Jesus! I want to see! I want to see Jesus!,” shrieks my littlest darling.

How can I refuse? I lift her, for what seems like the hundredth time this morning, to the manger scene on the living room bookshelf. She gazes in wonder, oohs and ahs, gingerly fingering the cornhusk baby in his twig and banana fiber trough.

“Jesus, Mama,” she whispers.

And so, the nativity scene that once was packed away each year after Christmas remains on the bookshelf still, because my darling baby, in all her wondrous excitement reminds me daily of who I want to be, the kind of life I want to live.

A wide-eyed, expectant child, gazing in wonder on a beautiful Savior.

In the middle of a broken, sin-crushed world, my soul cries out, “I want to see! I want to see Jesus!”

I want to see Jesus.

My darling Karimojong sister Maria, who is battling severe, gripping alcoholism, and her sweet baby are living with us still. People wonder, even gasp, that I would let her join us at our table. Isn’t she a poor example? Why would I subject my girls to that?

I want to see Jesus.

Newborn baby Noah snuggles to my chest as his mother lays dying in a hospital bed. He cried through the night and I feed him and kiss his pink toes and pray over his little life. Why do I do it? Don’t I have my hands full enough already?

I want to see Jesus.

Zulaika, her severely malnourished baby and her 8 year old daughter move into our home while we teach Zulaika how to care for her children and find her a job so she can continue to do so. They have lice. They do not bathe. Fear creeps up the back of my throat and I wonder, what if all my children get sick? But we have taken in sick people before, and each time He hedges us in protection. People ask, do I feel that I am being responsible?

I want to see Jesus.

Jane and her birth mom spend the weekend in our guest room. I figure if I cannot parent this my daughter, the least I can do is teach her mother about our Savior, invest time in their lives, pray over them while we love them. My heart breaks in two as her high pitched, breathy giggle once more fills my home and the pain threatens to paralyze me, but I won't let it.

I want to see Jesus.

Strangers eat at our table, bathe in our showers, sleep in our beds, share our everything. And I fleetingly wonder if it wouldn’t be better for my girls if I maintained some semblance of normal, but He shows me that HIS definition of family is not at all limited by my own.

I want to see Jesus.

I want to see Jesus and if I don’t step out, how can He come in? If I don’t give all of myself, my home, even my family, how will He be magnified?

Do I want my children to be safe? Absolutely. Do I want them to have a “normal” family dinner sometimes and be healthy and not be subject to the rage of an alcoholic or the hurt of friends dying and siblings leaving? Of course. But more than that I want to take a cue from my baby girl.

I want to whisper to them excitedly each morning, “Look, Jesus.”

I want them to see Jesus. In my life. In my actions. Lifted High. Magnified. In our neighbors, no matter how sick or dirty. In our home.

I want the best for my children, I do. And I believe with all my heart what is best is for them to have a mother – a crazy mother even – wide-eyed in wonder, recklessly chasing after her Savior.

More of Him. We want to see Jesus.

just writing...

2011-02-21T17:44:00.006+07:00

‘For the Lord hears the cries of the needy; he does not despise his imprisoned people.’ Psalm 69:33

Over the weekend, I met a young woman who shared her story with me. She saw the cross tattoo on my foot, and asked me if I was a Christian. Me too, she said. And so we began to talk…I learned she has been a Christian for 10 years. She first learned about Jesus when she was living in her home village, as a child. She has a two-year-old son, and is already widow; at twenty-six years old. Her son lives with a relative a few hours away. I didn’t understand why, but perhaps she isn’t around enough to care for him. She works from 9am to midnight; everyday of the week, every day of the month- with one day off each month. She earns $40 a month, giving massages to foreigners. She has worked this job for the past two and a half years. It’s difficult though, she says, because she is the only provider in her house, and rent is $35 a month. The only way she can provide for her family is through her tips. On an average day, she says she has 3-5 customers. She is the sole provider for her mother and young brother, whom she shares the house (one room) with. Her father was killed during the Khmer rouge.

She wasn’t looking for pity. She wouldn’t say she was going without and she actually has many good things in her life, she said. She communicated with me not feeling sorry for herself, just openly sharing the facts, and seemed more than happy to chat with an interested stranger.

I am still thinking about her. Her story is not unusual. It is all too ordinary. Long hours. Low pay. Working every day. Poor and often illegal working conditions. Children being cared for by someone else. Families separated. Loss of a spouse. Day to day survival. No money saved; no extra money at all…

I wonder what it means for her to follow Jesus. I wonder how she understands His promises differently than I do. I will never understand why I am in the place I am, and her daily life often seems like a half a world away; even as we converse in the same room. Hers is a life I can’t even fathom, honestly. I do know, though, that I am deeply responsible and accountable for how I love and care for her and those like her. And I want to learn and understand more about what this responsibility means, and what it looks like practically. This is one of the difficulties and yet indescribable privileges to living in Cambodia for me. What a joy it was for me even to be able to have this conversation. What a joy it is to get to meet and know people here, and listen to their stories. And I will continue to struggle though the thoughts and questions and prayers, which don’t often have answers. But I want to be aware. And I want to remember those I am surrounded by who have struggles that I may never understand.

‘He will rescue the poor when they cry to him; he will help the oppressed, who have no one to defend them.

He feels pity for the weak and the needy, and HE WILL RESCUE THEM.

He will redeem them from oppression and violence, for THEIR LIVES ARE PRECIOUS TO HIM.’
Psalm 72: 12-14

2011-02-15T21:37:00.005+07:00

'but I trust in your unfailing love. I will rejoice because you have rescued me.' psalm 13:5

life these days

2011-02-09T21:43:00.005+07:00

I have wanted to write for over a week. I don’t really have inspiration to write, but I will try anyway. I have moved; again. My third big move in the past year, even if this time it is back the city I first moved to, and within the same country. What a crazy past year it’s been. I was looking at pictures on my camera and recalled that during this week last year I was at the ocean one day, the next day skiing in the mountains~ and now, I am here in Asia. That ocean is far away, and instead I am surrounded by dry dusty plains, gravel roads, palm trees, and open fields. On an evening run I see the hazy pink sun going down, and I get love from giggling children who run after me barefoot until they tire. I no longer breathe in the congestion of the city streets, instead it’s the dust of the country roads. But I will take it!

It has been a pretty good past two weeks. Jesus is reminding me what dependence on Him really means and what it looks like. I feel like there isn’t much I am capable of without Him.

I still don’t know much about what life will look like here as the weeks and months go on. But for today, it looks like getting to meet with a few Cambodian teachers who are really excited to study English. Spending an hour reading a few pages of a book, because I am a slow reader. Meeting lots of new people. Playing ping-pong with some really eager to learn young women. Learning my way around; again. Learning how to drive a motorbike. Meeting the (new!) neighbor kids. Finding the market; again. Finding new places to run. Learning some new medical words in Khmer. Learning my way around a new clinic, and even getting to practice some old skills like giving IM injections!

Looking forward to see what the Lord has in mind for this next chapter of life in Cambodia…

paper on the wall

2011-01-24T17:27:00.002+07:00

our Cambodian housemate is learning English and posted this on the middle of the wall sometime last night. when I woke up and saw it today, it brought a huge smile to my face.

transitions

2011-01-21T17:18:00.004+07:00

I haven’t blogged yet in January! What a month it has been. Moving. Planning to move. Not yet having moved…. A time of being patient; and other times of not so much patience. Things that are beautiful. Lots that is hard. Many questions. Always uncertainties.

Ah.. and isn’t that life?!

I read a book this month called ‘Radical’ by David Platt. (which I highly recommend if you want God to seriously rock your world) It is one of the better books I have read, if wanting to think seriously about why I am here and why I live… One question asked among many is how much am I desperate for the Spirit of God in my life? Like how much of my life can I really do on my own? And if I am not desperate for the Spirit in the day to day, why not??

I have a long way to go. I have much to learn. But one thing I have been reminded of lately; I am in desperate dependence on Jesus.

I look ahead and I wonder how… how, what, when, why? I have so many questions. I am here. I have learned and grown and seen His faithfulness time after time; and the thought of moving ahead without Him- I honestly cannot imagine it.

It is a good place to be. It is where I want to remain, the only way to really live. But I am being reminded; it is not for the faint of heart.

‘Lean on, trust in, and be confident in the Lord with all your heart and mind, and do not rely on your own insight or understanding. In all your ways know, recognize, and acknowledge Him, and He will direct and make straight and plain your paths.’ Proverbs 3:5-6.

2010

2010-12-28T16:26:00.002+07:00

what a year!

Christmas is about Jesus...

2010-12-23T16:28:00.002+07:00

These have been the words we have repeated lately; to our friends here who don’t know, and to ourselves, too, with a smile. It might not ‘feel’ like Christmas here, but two days from now, we will celebrate the birth of the Savior of the world—whether there are Christmas trees and snow in Cambodia or not.

I have been meditating on these prophesies from Isaiah this week; and really can’t get over how amazing they are; in the context of the whole Story, and spoken 700 some years before Jesus was born.

All right then, the Lord himself will give you the sign. Look! The virgin will conceive a child! She will give birth to a son and will call him Immanuel (which means ‘God is with us’). (7:14)

The people who walk in darkness will see a great light. For those who live in a land of deep darkness, a light will shine. You will enlarge the nation of Israel, and its people will rejoice. They will rejoice before you as people rejoice at the harvest and like warriors dividing the plunder. For you will break the yoke of their slavery and lift the heavy burden from their shoulders. (9:2-4)

For a child is born to us, a son is given to us. The government will rest on his shoulders. And he will be called: Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. His government and its peace will never end. He will rule with fairness and justice from the throne of his ancestor David for all eternity. (9:6-7)

In that day the heir to David’s throne will be a banner of salvation to all the world. The nations will rally to him, and the land where he lives will be a glorious place. (11:10)

I have been so blessed to witness this 'banner of salvation' across the world this past year.
Christmas=Jesus: GOOD NEWS indeed.

learning (and re-learning) grace

2010-12-10T11:20:00.003+07:00

The other day I was frustrated. A few different times; about more than I could even put my finger on. I picked up my journal and started writing. I wrote and wrote. And as I wrote, peace and grace came over me. It was so unmistakable I had to pause.

I realized that a big issue that I am having (for probably over a year or more, but especially since I have arrived here) is the issue of GRACE, and that I am not good at accepting it or understanding it. I get it, in theory. I understand how other people should claim it and rejoice in it. I see why they should; it makes sense to me. I know that it is the most beautiful gift we have each ever received through Jesus; really, it is too beautiful for words. It doesn't make any sense at all; which only makes it that much more amazing. but I am still so bad at accepting it in practice; in real life! today I wondered if half the reason God put me here for this time is to teach me about grace.

I had the thought today that it would be so much easier to have a "normal" job, earn my own money, do my own thing, and not have to be accountable to anyone or worry about what anyone else thought--- because it would be "MY" life.
well, besides that totally missing the point, I realized that it is not only selfish and silly, but THAT is perhaps precisely why I have none of those things--- and why it is so hard for me! (I had no idea it would be so hard)

because I am not very good at having to be accountable to a whole lot of people for "what" I am doing, what my days look like, how good my language is, how I spend money, and what I am doing to "earn" it. I feel like a failure in most of these areas all too often. the feeling of having to do my best (which is what I am actually doing) to me almost seems impossible to ever reach--- because there is always MORE I could be doing. it's true, there is. but in the meantime I would fall apart, and sometimes I feel like I am, on the inside-- because I keep trying to measure up what I think my BEST should look like.

meanwhile, I am forgetting the point. I am actually doing my best. my heart and motives are right. I believe with all my heart that I am following Jesus with my whole life, and this just happens to be where He put me for this time. and so, I will BE here. and continue to do my best. but also know that I have been given GRACE because nothing I ever do is going to be "good enough...." and that is ok.

It was almost like God spoke to me out loud. Romans 8:1, 34. "who then, will condemn us? no one-- for Christ Jesus died for us and was raised to life for us..."

I don't know that I have learned it yet. or if I ever will. I know I have been aware of this before; even in the last few months. but still, it sneaks up on me and takes control of me sometimes until I focus on this gift of grace I have been offered instead. I am thankful, even though it is still almost too much to wrap my head around... (not to mention my life)

yikes. and I can't believe I am about to post this on a blog. (!)

tangible love

2010-12-02T15:15:00.003+07:00

for all of the TANGIBLE LOVE I have received recently

recipes
canned pumpkin
fireworks
almonds
sidewalk chalk
new guitar (!!)
dove and seasalt chocolate
tj's peanut butter pretzels
hugs
peanut butter M+M’s
granola bars
new books
hairspray
fresh flowers
hand written (and typed!) letters
almond butter
soap
macaroni and cheese
starbucks via
peanut butter puffins cereal
holiday candles
love from Stumptown
cards
hand wipes
trail mix
sweet words
mascara
sunscreen
earrings
my favorite cheese from Oregon
coffee

THANK YOU. I am grateful beyond words. My heart is overcome with thanksgiving that I would be so loved; I am so filled and encouraged.

‘You treat me to a feast, while my enemies watch.
You honor me as your guest, and you fill my cup until it overflows.'
psalm 23:5, cev

the recent events in Cambodia

2010-11-29T15:12:00.002+07:00

For me it all started last Monday night around 7:30pm. My friend Annie was visiting in Cambodia, and we had just returned from a long weekend away that afternoon. To make the most of our one night in Phnom Penh before we left again the next morning for the beach, we decided to have dinner out with my friend Cate.

Cate and I have been living in Cambodia for a while now, and knew that it was the final night of the Water Festival here in Phnom Penh. This is historically a huge celebration for Cambodians, where this year a predicted 3 million people from all over the country would flock to the city to watch boat races and to gather with friends for three days.

Yet neither of us thought that going to dinner would be such chaos; after all, we weren’t even going to the riverfront- where I thought most of the people would be concentrated. But on the ride to the restaurant, we were forced to get out and walk, as the street ahead of us was closed to traffic. The street ahead was also completely filled with people. Honestly, I didn’t really think anything of it, except the annoyance of the lack of crowd control and what seemed to be the norm in this place- chaos- that I didn’t feel like dealing with that night. I was sick of the crowds, sick of sweating, and wondered why everyone thought it was “fun” to go out on a night that was so ridiculously overcrowded and built up. We kept walking and made our way through the crowds, shoulder to shoulder with way too many people- and then arrived at the restaurant only to find it closed. To say the evening was frustrating and irritating was an understatement.

The next morning, before I boarded the bus to the beach, I bought a copy of local newspaper, The Cambodia Daily. As I sat in the bus before we left, I scanned the front page. ‘Bloodshed as Stampede Strikes Island Bridge’ was the first article that caught my eye. But honestly, it didn’t even seem to be presented as huge news- no big bold letters or even photos. As I look back, it makes sense, since all the chaos was still happening as this morning paper was being published. Still, I was shocked. I read the article aloud to Annie. I couldn’t believe what I was reading. It was even more real to me as memories of walking down a massively crowded street only about twelve hours before was still fresh in my memory. It had honestly never even occurred to me how dangerous it could be. It was clear that no one else could have imagined it either.

Within minutes I began to receive lots of text messages. My sister in Minnesota had read it on CNN.com. My expatriate friends were already arranging times to meet and pray. I began to realize that perhaps it was even more grim than the article I had just read. I didn’t know what to think as I thought about the deadly chaos and how many thousands of Cambodians lives that had just been turned upside down in the last few hours; as I had slept comfortably in my bed on the other side of the city.

Because I was on my way out of the city, I felt like I was a little disconnected to all that has gone on here in Phnom Penh this past week. Groups of friends meeting to pray. Debriefing with Cambodian friends. Seeing people lighting incense, praying to the spirits of the deceased and giving offerings on the streets. The national day of mourning last Thursday; where the whole city shut down.

But even from the little island where I spent the days following the event, I didn’t forget. I gathered with other Cambodians and foreigners under the simple shelter of a family home to watch some of the news on TV. I had Cambodians asking me if I knew about all the people who died in Phnom Penh on Monday night, and what it was like there. I read personal stories from the Phnom Penh Post, detailing a mother who had lost both of her young daughters on their first ever trip to Phnom Penh, among many others like it. And as we sailed away from the island in a boat on Thursday, I noticed a Cambodian flag flying at half-mast.

As I have returned to Phnom Penh and gotten a bit more caught up on life and happenings while I was away, I have paused to reflect some more. As I prayed this morning, I read Psalm 39, and was overwhelmed with the peace that is only found in Jesus.

‘Lord, remind me how brief my time on earth will be. Remind me that my days are numbered—how fleeting my life is. You have made my life no longer than the width of my hand. My entire lifetime is just a moment to you; at best, each of us is but a breath.’ We are merely moving shadows, and all our busy rushing ends in nothing. We heap up wealth, not knowing who will spend it. And so, Lord, where do I put my hope?  My only hope is in you.’ psalm 39:4-7

I don’t seek to share this message of hope in Jesus with people here in order to make them more like me, “convert” them, or manipulate them. I really just want them to come to KNOW Him.

Today I am aware DEEP in my heart just how much Jesus loves each one of those who died, their families, and all the people in this country. He offers a peace and joy that I know personally and desperately want others to know too. It doesn’t make sense of this situation or provide an explanation. But He is the only one who can bring peace in these times; peace that cannot be found anywhere else.

trees and rocks

2010-11-07T15:41:00.006+07:00

yesterday before we started our morning at the clinic, a visiting guest shared a beautiful inspiration and prayer with us.
he talked about a type of native tree in New Zealand which grows up out of the rock. it's roots spread out across the rock, and as more trees grow, all of their roots become intertwined, allowing them to grow strong and be held in place on and in the rock. however sometimes there are not enough roots that grow deep into the rock, and so with the weight of the many intertwined trees, as they grow, they eventually fall into the water because their roots were not deep enough in the rock to hold them up.

and so it is with us. we are made to grow together, to help each other to grow deep, to hold each other up; closer to the Rock. but if our roots aren't strong enough in the Rock, our strength in the others who hold us up is not enough- and we fall off.

what a joy to be a tree growing on the Rock, alongside brothers and sisters as we grow alongside one another; supporting each other so we can grow together, with our roots deeper in the Rock. it doesn't matter who we are, where we come from, we are all necessary in making the network, our family, stronger; as we strive to dig down deeper in the ROCK which holds us secure.

beautiful.

'have the roots of your being firmly and deeply planted in Him, fixed and founded in Him, being continually built up in Him...' Colossians 2:7

what I learn and keep learning...

2010-11-06T14:20:00.002+07:00

I am living in a place where there are so many different kinds of people, projects and plans in place in order to care for people and communities. There are seemingly endless problems, pain, and hurts in people around me. And the approaches and way people think and take action in order to address these needs is quite different too. Everyone has an opinion on what is the “best” way to make a difference.

It is worth the time to learn the local language, or are you better off getting to work in an office and work on broader policy issues? Do you live amongst the nationals in the country, or do you stay in an expat community? Do you start by addressing the material needs of the poor or help people to help themselves? Look toward children, the future of the country? Girls or boys? Young or old? Address health needs only, or spiritual needs, too? Can you do both? What about teaching English? Is there an empowering way to love the woman who is poor and can’t read, but knows a lot more than I do about how to be a good mother…? What is the best way to teach someone in a very different context without being patronizing? How important is the clothing you wear or where you live?

Ultimately, the question feels to me like, “am I doing a good job?” Sometimes it sure doesn’t feel like it. All I want to do, really, is love God and love people. But there are so many details- and where to begin to know how to answer all the questions that will never go away?

But over the past month or so, my Father has been speaking to me on all of this…

Don’t worry about how overwhelming the big picture looks. Don’t worry about what others do. Don’t worry if it doesn’t make sense, or it seems wrong. Don’t judge their efforts; it isn’t up to you, and it isn’t your job. Don’t worry about what they think of you. Don’t worry if your journey looks different. The opinions of the world don’t matter- Look to Me. Look to Me. Look to Me. When you follow hard after Me, you won’t have time to worry or think about these things; it is Me alone that matters. I will show you the way to move forward. I will never leave you. I love you. I look on you with so much love and grace. I know your heart. Only in clinging to Me and following Me will you have peace and not fear the road and journey of unknowns that lie ahead.

Sunday school

2010-10-25T15:33:00.001+07:00

The highlight of yesterday was this: I got to walk five blocks to church holding the hands of my three little neighbors!

Whenever I leave my house, I have about four or five kids waiting around my gate, or if not- quick to run over and jump into my arms as soon as one of them spots me and yells my name. We have had some fun times together in the past few months; reading books, playing games, coloring, and even baking cookies. Each time I leave, they want to know where I am going (a popular question amongst any Cambodian!) It struck me last week that when I told them I was going to church, I could actually take them with me. There is a really large Khmer church in my neighborhood, and it just so happens to have a Sunday school program and all. When I inquired with some of the church staff if I could bring my neighbors, they said 'of course' and went on to tell me that each weekend they average about 300+ kids! wow!

So when I came home last week, I mentioned to them that if they asked their parents they could come with me next week if they wanted. I wasn't even sure if they would want to, but I had a good guess. For the last week, they have been reminding me, "don't forget about Sunday..."

When I got home Saturday night, they asked again about the morning. They assured me they asked their grandma, and so I asked if I could meet her to ask, too. Sure enough, she walked over and met me with a smile, and said it was no problem for them to go with me. (yeah, Cambodia is different in this way; we had indeed just met for the first time!)

Before we said goodnight, the oldest girl asked me, "do they speak English there? because I don't understand English.... Are the other kids there Khmer?" I was so happy to be able to assure her that the other kids there were Cambodians, too... and no, they won't speak in English, don't worry....

When I came downstairs Sunday morning, the kids squealed as they saw me. "We're going to church today!" they were singing and chanting. We walked to church, I checked them in at Sunday school, and promised them I would be back a few hours later to pick them up. Although they are not a bit shy, they definitely were a bit quieter, as they looked around the new room. When I left them to attend the service downstairs, I felt like a mom on my child's first day of kindergarden; worrying if they would have a good time, if anyone would talk to them, if they would ever want to go back. I just really wanted them to have a good experience and have fun.

It was such a joy for me to drop them off at a program completely planned and put on by other Cambodians. For kids who have never heard about Jesus, looking around and seeing others just like them is quite a bit different than hearing about Jesus from someone from a different country and culture. This church is a glimpse for me of what is to come in this country, young people leading one another to New Life in Jesus-- and forward into the next generation! Yay!

The kids did indeed have a great time-- and are already asking about next week! One of the other parents has already asked if his son can come too. Yes. Yes. Yes!

Please join me in prayer for these kids and their families. I completely believe God can do mighty things in and through these three siblings. May we not underestimate the power of His word in the hearts of children.

'But Jesus said, “Let the children come to me. Don’t stop them! For the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to those who are like these children.”' Matthew 19:14

house of love

2010-10-24T20:01:00.003+07:00

"How can we live in the midst of a world marked by fear, hatred, and violence, and not be destroyed by it? When Jesus prays to his Father for his disciples he responds to this question by saying,

'I am not asking you to remove them from the world, but to protect them from the evil one. They do not belong to the world any more than I belong to the world.' John 17:15-16

To live in this world without belonging to the world summarizes the essence of the spiritual life. The spiritual life keeps us aware that our true house is not the house of fear, in which the powers of hatred and violence rule, but the house of love, where God resides. Hardly a day passes in our lives without our experience of inner and outer fears, anxieties, apprehensions, and preoccupations. These dark powers have pervaded every part of our world to such a degree that we can never fully escape them. Still it is possible not to belong to these powers, not to build our dwelling place among them, but to choose the house of love as our home. The choice is not made just once and for all, but by living a spiritual life; praying at all times and breathing God's breath. Through the spiritual life we gradually move from the house of fear to the house of love."
Henri Nouwen, Behold the Beauty of the Lord

Is it SAFE?

2010-09-29T10:38:00.000+07:00

A friend passed this video on to me yesterday. I smile because while this may be a humorous little clip, in all seriousness, these issues of "safety" are the basis for questions I have heard all too often. What does Jesus say about being "safe"?

adventures in reading...again.

2010-09-21T19:20:00.003+07:00

When I was in kindergarten, I remember being really excited to go to the school library for the first time. I found a book with all text and no pictures and proceeded to go to the librarian to check it out. She was a soft-spoken elderly woman, who questioned me when she took one look at the book. Why would I want to check out a book with no pictures and a whole lot of tiny words under a plain black hard cover when I was 5 years old and couldn’t even read?

I remember wanting to check out this book because I wanted so badly to learn to read. I didn’t want to go through the stage of the beginning learner; where I would have to read a picture book with only a word or two on each page. I wanted to be able to read for real! And I wanted to appear smart. Maybe if I pulled out the book on the school bus and stared at it long enough I might learn something? Or I might at least look like I knew something?

She did allow me to check out the book, even though I’m sure she was laughing on the inside as she watched me proudly walk away with my new “I look smart now” book. I also remember looking at the book a few days later and admitting that it really wasn’t very interesting; and I would have been better off with the books that my friends had- brightly colored children’s books which were appropriate for my age level.

So, I suppose I have grown up and matured since then…??

Learning to read and write my second language, I really didn’t ever want to get above my head. I wanted to be challenged, and I really wanted to learn, but I didn’t want to appear that I knew more than I did. (Perhaps I have gone in the other direction?!)
So I have been working hard, and waiting patiently.
Can you read?
Well, not really.
A little…

Today I bought my first ‘real’ dictionary. Because I had a simple one but I actually needed to know more words than I could find in it. And because I can actually use the words, write them, and even read some of them! And yesterday I bought my first Bible in Khmer, too. Maybe it’s cheating a little because each page is half in English. But that is where I am at. And yes, realistically I will not really be reading it (as one reads a book) anytime soon. But because I found myself stealing my friend’s Bible over and over to look up references or to copy a verse or two, I figured perhaps it was time to get my own.

It’s funny to me that now it seems a little scary to me—these two “grown up” book purchases. I am intimidated a little. I feel like I should really know something if I need to use them. (and do I, really?!) Yikes. But I have to admit, it is fun!

water of life

2010-09-19T16:08:00.005+07:00

'He lifts the poor from the dust
and the needy from the garbage dump.
He sets them among princes,
even the princes of his own people!
He gives the childless woman a family,
making her a happy mother.' Psalm 113:7-9

When I arrived in Phnom Penh to study Khmer at the university a few months ago, I asked a doctor at a local clinic if there was anything I could do there to help out. At this particular clinic, there were plenty of Cambodian nurses, so it wasn't clear where I would fit in. We agreed to stay in touch. Meanwhile, I ran into another nurse I know from Denmark, who invited me to come along with her to see the clinic that she works at outside of Phnom Penh-- built on the grounds of the former garbage dump. It is called the Water of Life clinic, and it provides care to pre and post natal mothers and babies... (and their older siblings, of course!) I really enjoyed the time with her, and couldn't believe how busy she was that Saturday morning! The two of us had one room, where we did 'baby checks' on newborn babies as well as older babies and a few older children, too. Some of the newborns were being seen for the first time; many had been born in their makeshift houses, most likely on a dirty bed.
Sometimes the women would have Cambodian midwives in attendance, if they could come up with the $5 it costs to hire one. This is of course encouraged by the clinic staff, although for many of the woman this is simply beyond what they can afford. So they have their babies at home with perhaps only a sister, mother, or husband in attendance. After holding these seemingly perfect babies in my arms the first day, it was not these differences I thought about. All I thought about was just how similar we all are. These mothers loved and wanted the best for their babies; and they did the best they could to care for them. What a privilege it was to be the first health care provider to hold them and listen to their little lungs and hearts and deem them healthy!
The other nurse I was working with was on her way back to Denmark for a few months the following day. 'So, who looks at the babies while you are away?" I asked her. "Yeah, I don't know yet..." she said. The midwives, who were in the room next to us, were doing simple ultrasounds and health checks on pregnant woman, as well as checking up on the women who had recently delivered. There were more than busy seeing just the woman alone. I couldn't imagine if these 5 or 6 volunteers were looking after the woman AND the children. I quickly volunteered to come out every Saturday that I could. I didn't really feel like I was qualified or knew what I was doing, but I also knew that I never really would. I just had to start, and this was an obvious need and opportunity.

Since that first Saturday, I have returned every week. It continues to be a highlight of each weekend. Honestly, I love it, but it is a challenge, too. Yesterday I finished exhausted. It was hot and the line of people to be seen never seemed to end. I was tired. But it is truly a gift to be able to hold these babies and give simple advise and ideas to their mothers. We get to share with them knowledge and encouragement-- "Being a mother is hard.... but hang in there, you are doing a great job!" The little things, like providing tylenol for headaches and fevers, cream for itchy dry skin, and clean water to drink while waiting-- they all make a difference. Some of the mothers have been helped to start a simple business in order to support their children. Some don't even have a towel to wrap their baby in; and we get to share these kinds of practical things with them. I love it. There are also four young Cambodian women studying to be midwives that are the future of this clinic. It is a joy to work alongside them, watch them love and care for their neighbors, and encourage them as they work hard in this process, too.

Praising God for the tangible way I get to be a part of "lifting the needy from the garbage dump..."

2010-09-12T21:00:00.003+07:00

do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

philipians 4:6

M & A

2010-08-29T16:21:00.006+07:00

Alyssa reminded me before she left that she reads my blog but I have gotten behind, and I should really post something soon… So here it is; a shout out to the greatest short term interns to have graced Poipet with your presence!

I met Mitch and Alyssa the first day I got to Cambodia, about 5 months ago. They had already been in Poipet for over a month, and I was immediately impressed by their easy-going nature, flexibility and kindness. From my observation, they had obviously jumped in head first into the many unknowns of living in Cambodia. They seemed quite comfortable and content in what I found, frankly, to be a difficult place to live. I liked them immediately.

Over the past five months, we experienced many things as we “did life” in Cambodia together. Mice, dust, noise, lacking communication skills, no hot showers, ;) and getting sick, too— but these were no match for the things God had in mind when He called us to this obscure corner of Cambodia for this season…

I was able to spend some time with M&A in Phnom Penh this past week before they returned to Australia. We had some great morning conversations over coffee, and I loved hearing their hearts overflowing with praise to God for His faithfulness to them in this time (which in their opinion, was not nearly enough!) I found myself remembering how I felt when I left Cambodia after six months- going originally thinking that it was a long time to be away; and returning home feeling like it was no where near enough time!

Most of all, though—I was incredibly encouraged by their faith and trust in God. They came to Cambodia thinking they had “no practical skills” to offer. They quit their jobs and left their lives because they trusted God, even though it didn’t necessarily make sense. They left yesterday for Australia knowing and understanding that He had brought them here with a specific plan. They left a community of Cambodians who deeply love them and have been changed and encouraged by their smiles and selfless service. Yet they were bursting with thanksgiving for all God has given to them!

All He needed was their trust. And they chose to trust. And now there are many (including me!) whom God has touched because of their obedience.

We chatted about how we wish we could really (really!) communicate to those around us about God’s faithfulness in this way. It might be difficult. You might face persecution. It might not make any sense at all. But when He shows you something and asks you to follow, do it! Ultimately there is no disappointment found walking where Jesus leads.

“Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think.” Ephesians 3:20

do. BE.

2010-08-01T22:13:00.003+07:00

This is one of the more vulnerable blog posts I have written. It’s natural to write, but feels a little strange to post. But I want to be transparent and honest; because I think it is important to be real. I am overjoyed to be here, but it isn’t easy. I want to make it known that I am nothing without God my Savior. And I want to share my heart because I believe that He can use my story.

Today on a cloudy, rainy afternoon it hit me; I have been wrestling with some questions and ideas that I never even realized I was asking- and today, there they were. I didn’t even realize I had so much going on in my head until I found myself spilling all sorts of thoughts and feelings today in a conversation with a friend.

Leaving a western culture a few months back, I also left behind a lot of western ways of life. But the patterns of thinking and ways of being that go along with that aren’t so easy to leave behind. The importance of what we “do” is one of the first things we identify about ourselves when we talk to others. It’s one of the first questions we ask a stranger after we exchange names. This importance of what we “do” is ingrained in our minds, and we unknowingly allow it to become our identity and what determines our value and our worth.

Not so long ago, I was a “professional.” I had an amazing job, and I really liked it. I felt comfortable in it; and felt like what I did made a difference. I wouldn’t say that too much of my identity was wrapped up in my job—yet it was a job and a title I was proud of. And then, by coming here- I gave it up. I remember the day God spoke to me in that. “This job is a good fit for you. You are good at it. But give it up for now, and trust Me in doing something else.”

Ok God, here I am. I do totally trust you.

I am confident in my being in this space, in this country, at this time. I feel peace in it. I feel completely confident that God has put me here and honestly there isn’t anywhere else that I would rather be.

Yet this peace and confidence doesn’t mean I understand the day to day. I don’t know what God wants to do with me here. I wish there was a way to articulate and communicate how unbelievably humbling (and to me almost ridiculous!) it is for me to be in this country. I completely believe that God has called us to “go and make disciples of all nations” and agree that we are God’s plan to have every tribe and people come to know Him—and this includes us going to the “ends of the earth” to share this GOOD news with all people (Matthew 28:19). I believe it. I have seen how God uses people to love and touch and change other people. Of course He does! But let me tell you, it sure feels different when it is personal! It’s not that I am unwilling; I obviously am willing. But ME?! I am so ordinary. I have nothing, really, to offer. Surely someone else would probably do a better job?? Yes, God, I am here! I am willing—but why would you want to use me?!

It has been such an unbelievable reminder to me how much this is about HIM—and has nothing to do with me! He doesn’t NEED us to do his work. He is God! He can reveal Himself to people in any way He wants to, and why He would choose to use us; his sinful, messy children, is beyond me. But He does! And I can’t get over the privilege it is. But honestly, I am realizing how much we justify ourselves for this task—attempting to make ourselves worthy or fit to do His work and to share His story. But who are we kidding? We have NOTHING without His grace.

And this is what He is telling me.
“Just be you. Do what I tell you to do, but don’t worry if it doesn’t seem to make sense. I know you feel you have nothing; that is ok. Just look to Me, just follow Me.“

“We have this LIGHT shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves. So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we can see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever. My GRACE is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” 2 Corinthians 4:7, 18; 12:9

I know these truths and promises of God, and I believe them. Yet if I am honest, I will tell you that I have some days where I feel useless; my existence in this country so hard to understand. I do still ask God to show me why I am here in light of what I will be "doing.." God, you say my presence here matters… but I still don’t understand why.

And so what do I “do”? Sometimes I go for runs in the mornings. Sometimes I drink coffee at a local café and study Khmer (and make the servers laugh when I ask them questions…) I show up to class everyday at 4pm. I try to love people and be kind to my neighbors. Sometimes I am able to speak clearly and communicate well, and sometimes I am not. I hug kids whenever I get a chance. I pray. I cry. I wash the floor, wash the dishes, and wash my feet nearly 10 times every day….Sometimes it is mundane. And sometimes it is beautiful and I feel so lucky.

Yes, God. I hear you. You say that my being here is important; and I choose to believe even when I don’t understand it most of the time. I will put away my pride in the moments where I feel useless. I am so much more of a child than an adult in this place. But you tell me that is ok. You tell me it is ok to just be. I have a long way to go, but I am starting to understand how to rejoice in that truth.

“…but this happened that we might not rely on ourselves, but on God, who raises the dead.” 2 Corinthians 1:9

“You're here to be light, bringing out the God-colors in the world. God is not a secret to be kept. We're going public with this, as public as a city on a hill. If I make you light-bearers, you don't think I'm going to hide you under a bucket, do you? I'm putting you on a light stand. Now that I've put you there on a hilltop, on a light stand—shine! Keep open house; be generous with your lives. By opening up to others, you'll prompt people to open up with God, this generous Father in heaven.” Matthew 5:14-16, The Message

“The members of the council were amazed when they saw the boldness of Peter and John, for they could see that they were ordinary men with no special training in the Scriptures. They also recognized them as men who had been with Jesus.” Acts 4:13

refuse to despair

2010-07-31T20:56:00.000+07:00

"We lift our eyes to the horizon and ask, what great work of JUSTICE might God perform through us, in our time, to the glory of Christ? How might God renew through us the witness for biblical justice in the world? What child...might yet stand and testify that the hand of a faithful God touched them and loved them through the obedience of Christians who refused to despair?"
-G. Haugen, founder, IJM

2010-07-27T23:40:00.000+07:00

I watched two documentaries tonight; shown at a local open air media/film gallery here in Phnom Penh. Tonight's films fell under a title something like; 'Gendered Lens; An Insiders Look into Cambodia's Virginity Trade.'

And now I can't sleep. Nothing I heard tonight was new information to me; yet each time I am reminded I feel like someone punched me and my heart breaks again. Literally, as I type this a girl in my city is being raped. For the first time. For the hundredth time.

Poverty. Ignorance. Confusion. Helplessness. Powerlessness. Lack of self worth. Abuse of power. Pornography. Lies.
All drive this issue. My heart cries.

I want and NEED to be more prayerful.How can I live in this city, in the midst of this and not be literally crying out to God on behalf of these girls?

Right now I don't know what else to do, but until God tells me I will pray...

precious

2010-07-26T22:07:00.000+07:00

God shows up

2010-07-03T21:31:00.000+07:00

 ’The Lord is king, let the earth rejoice! Let the farthest coastlands be glad. Righteousness and justice are the foundation of his throne. …the earth sees and trembles, the mountains melt like wax before the Lord. before the Lord of ALL THE EARTH…The heavens proclaim his righteousness; EVERY NATION sees his glory. Those who worship idols are disgraced—for every god must bow to Him. Jerusalem has heard and rejoiced, and all the towns of Judah are glad because of your justice, O Lord! For you, O Lord, are supreme over ALL THE EARTH; you are exulted far above all gods…’ psalm 97

In this land filled with so many obvious signs of need, pain, and clear worship of other gods on every corner, I ran down the sidewalks this morning singing these words in my head and aloud. I passed monks, security guards, trash, and pagodas; and praised the God of the universe that He came to live amongst us in this broken world. I praised Him because I am so overjoyed to see the world through the lens of this city and this place. It is so obvious to me that He IS the God of ALL the earth, and as I SEE and HEAR of how He is transforming the lives of people here, I can barely contain my joy- He asked ME to live here—and in turn I get to witness this transformation before my eyes.

Today I was asked, “you have mentioned that ‘God shows up.’ What does that mean exactly?’ Does it mean God hasn't shown up if He doesn't answer our prayers or respond in the way we have asked or would like to see? I said, “God shows up when I have something I can put my finger on that reminds me that He is HERE; that He IS the God of the universe." It may be simple, or may be more profound. Today it was this- a simple song, a city full of people who call upon other gods, and the words of Psalm 97.

So may the mountains melt like wax in Cambodia. May we see and tremble because Jesus is King. I want to see in more and more ways that He is supreme over ALL the earth; and truly, He is exulted above every other god of this country. Today He reminded me; ‘I AM.’ He showed up.

Atoning sacrifice  
Keeper of this life  
Hallelujah You are Savior  
Beginning and the end  
Forgiver of my sin  
By Your mercy
You have saved us  
Jesus You are stronger  
More than any other  
Hallelujah what a Savior  
Jesus You are higher  
My soul’s deepest desire  
Hallelujah what a Savior  
You are the shepherd King  
You lead us by still waters  
Hallelujah You are Savior  
You are my only hope  
Your kindness is my friend  
In Your presence You restore us  
You are the way the truth and the life  
You are my joy and salvation  
Stood in my place taking my shame
Jesus You are stronger  
More than any other  
Hallelujah what a Savior  
 
(What a Savior, performed here by Laura Story)

running the race (a high!)

2010-06-25T14:12:00.001+07:00

Last night I got a text from a friend asking my high and low of the day. When I thought about it, I honestly couldn’t believe the first thing that came to mind. High: Language?! But it was true!

I took a language acquisition class before I left, and I remember reading something under the ‘motivation/morale/encouragement’ section that struck me.

“I AM… ” (learning!)
Two weeks ago, I would not have understood what was just said to me. Now I do; so I must be learning. Sometimes I don’t feel that I am, but then I get breakthroughs that help me to realize that indeed I am.”

It was the truth. I had some ‘breakthrough’ moments yesterday. I often wonder what the heck I am doing even attempting to learn. I recognize the value, I WANT to learn; it just seems like it is something for “smart people” to do; like it is beyond my ability. Sometimes it just seems absurd to start from such a simple place; learning things like each letter and sound (and then discovering each one of the 33 consenents/23 vowels has a variety of different sounds!) Sometimes I wonder if I will ever actually “get it.” But then there are days like today, I remember that although I must start from the beginning, slowly but surely, progress is made.
It still feels like really tiny steps on a really loooong journey. But I am having fun trying. Having fun (usually) being corrected and laughed at when I say something incorrectly. Returning a blank look when I actually have no idea what question I am being asked. Saying one thing when I mean to say something entirely different. ..
Overall it DOES feel like accomplishment, though, because now I can: read many simple words. Write the whole alphabet! Recognize most vowels and consonants and their sounds on the first try ;) Add prepositions and conjunctions to my sentences! Sometimes I can even speak without thinking too much... yay!

Hebrews 12:1-2, says, ‘…let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith…’ It has been swirling in my head for a few years now without rest. I consider it a theme verse for my journey here—it really is like running a race (and the race is long!) It requires discipline and work and effort. It is a difficult but beautiful journey with ups and downs. And my favorite part; “we do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus…” Truly I would not be running this race without fixing my eyes on Jesus. So, to Him be ALL the glory for whatever successes I have in this language journey.

one of the first things I have learned to write; Hebrews 12:1-2

no school

2010-06-17T14:29:00.001+07:00

like many children in Cambodia, this 11 year old girl doesn't currently go to school. she knows some of the alphabet, but she can't read. I am praying for an opportunity for her, and seeing what I can do to help- will you join me?

why?

2010-05-13T15:49:00.000+07:00

I have a secret way of knowing; many people wonder why I am here. ‘Why would you want to do that??’ ‘What are you actually doing in Cambodia, anyway?’ ‘Can’t you just serve God in the States?’ ‘I don’t know how you could give up all of the comforts of home…’ ‘Aren’t you afraid?’

Honestly, I wish I could somehow eloquently explain what life here is like and why I am here. It’s one of those things you may just need to experience for yourself to really understand. (yes, visitors are ALWAYS welcome!) To say it’s different than my life two months ago is an enormous understatement.

But the most important thing hasn’t changed. Jesus lives here, too.

And really, the reasons I am here are pretty simple.

Jesus speaks more about caring for the poor and those in need than anything else! (read that again—it’s true!!) Cambodians were created in the image of God. Most of the country is deep in need; both spiritually as well as physically. I could go on and on about this; the poverty and brokenness here is something that is perhaps beyond many peoples’ imagination. But that doesn’t change the fact that the people living in the midst of it matter to the God that created them. God’s plan was for His people to care for one another, and to share the good news of His power, grace, and forgiveness with everyone-- even to the ends of the earth! Even to places that are not ‘comfortable.’ There is a reason I have been blessed with resources, skills, and gifts. How can I not share them with people most in need?

So really, it’s not complicated. I was shown a land filled with beautiful people and lots of needs, and asked to go. And I went. And here I am!

Living life in order to be ‘comfortable’ and ‘secure’ is really not living. I am convinced that we are missing out and we don’t even realize it if that is what we are living for. What will we say, then, if God asks us to follow Him somewhere difficult? For me, there is nothing more important than obedience to the God who gave EVERYTHING in order to give me real LIFE. It isn’t always easy. Of course, I have already had some hard moments and hard days. But it is simple. He isn’t interested in what we consider a comfortable and secure life. He promises to show up- to be present. That is all I need to know.

I think this song sums it up well. (and a bonus view of Cambodia, too ;)

You live amongst the least of these
The weary and the weak
And it would be a tragedy for me to turn away
All my needs
You have supplied
When I was dead
You gave me life

How could I not
Give it away so freely?

And I will
Follow You into the homes of the broken
Follow You into the world
Meet the needs for the poor and the needy
Follow You into the world

Use my hands,
Use my feet
To make Your kingdom come
To the corners of the earth
Until your work is done

Because faith without works is dead
And on the cross, Your blood was shed

So how could we not give it away so freely?

I give all myself
I give all myself
I give all myself
To You

Follow You, Leeland

discrepancy

2010-05-05T17:21:00.000+07:00

On Monday morning I awoke with a painful right arm. I had a small bug bite there the night before, and overnight it had become hard, swollen, painful, and hot. I noticed that the other bites on my legs and ankle were more swollen, red and painful as well. As soon as I got home that day (I was traveling) I showed a few people, one being a nurse. They were quick to point me toward medical care; and quickly. I was pretty sure I would need to be seen by a doctor; yet their swift replies and concern caught me by surprise. Just because I am a nurse doesn’t necessarily mean I am good at making the right decisions about my own health.

After some back and forth and decisions to make, I realized my best option was to be seen in Phnom Penh, a 6 hour taxi ride from where I was. I wasn’t sure about when I should leave, because deciding to leave right then meant that I was potentially going to pay quite a bit more money than if I waited for transportation in the morning. It wasn’t that I didn’t have the money, I just didn’t know if it was necessary or not. I didn’t feel well at all, and it was hard for me to have people giving me all kinds of advice on what was best for me to do, and all the while feeling really uneasy because medical care was far away.

Despite feeling a little silly moving forward, I decided it best to make my way to the city as soon as possible, and to be seen that night. I had some friends, both Khmer and expats, who helped me arrange transportation, gave me a place to stay, made phone calls, traveled with me, texted and called me with encouragement and prayers.

I traveled to the city in the back of a taxi, flying through the country of Cambodia like a bat out of hell. The driver had no idea where I was going, but it almost felt like a long ambulance drive the way he sped; dodging cows, people on bikes, other cars-through the rain and darkness. But I was chilled from the air conditioner (or fever?) and too tired to think about it much.

But perhaps it was because I couldn’t get out of my mind was what I was actually in the middle of. I was sick. I needed medical care. I was living in the middle of nowhere. Yet I had resources and people who surrounded me which could make quality medical care a reality- this same day. Yes, I had to ride a long way in a car. But this seemed like nothing because at least I was going to see a doctor and be cared for.

I had to tell two Khmer friends I was sick and needed to see a doctor in Phnom Penh. This might sound normal, but it is not. I almost couldn’t speak the words without breaking down. This is NOT a reality for my friends and neighbors here. Another Khmer friend sent me a text; ‘I hope you feel better, I am praying for you.’
I can’t tell you what this feels like; what this means. I can know that I have the money or the health insurance to pay for my medical care in this place. I can know that because I have this ability, it is a smart decision to seek care when my health is in danger. But that doesn’t make it easy to do. It isn’t even as obvious as it might seem. I point out the little details above not because they are all super important, but because they further illustrate the absurdity of the difference of our situations. Do you pay extra money to travel one day verses another day, or do you have an obvious answer based on your lack of income to make a choice at all? What does it feel like to come home and not talk to your neighbors because you are sick but you don’t want to tell them because that would mean explaining what you are going to do because of it? I had thought about these things before, but I didn’t know how it felt. I still don’t know what to do with it.

I got to the International Health Clinic in Phnom Penh about 8:30pm that evening. I filled out some paperwork and was seen in about 30 minutes. A nurse made faces as he looked at my skin, and then got a little worked up over my vital signs. I was okay, but the infection had spread all over, giving me a fever in all its glory. The Cambodian doctor I saw got upset with me for not coming in sooner. “This country is NOT like your country…it is dirty and dusty and you will get very sick from this!’ He very seriously raised his voice at me.

Yes. Not helpful, but thank you… I get it. He told me that I had celluliis and gave me some medications and said I was okay to leave, as long as I came back in if anything spread or got worse. It was most likely simple enough to cure, yet is really dangerous left untreated. I left, grateful to have some answers, some medications, and a home to go to with loving people waiting for me. I am still here, ‘recovering,’ although I feel much better now. The medications are working, and I am beyond thankful.

Yet I still weep, because my health is not really the issue here. I cry on the inside and the outside for this obvious discrepancy that surrounds this situation I am in. It isn’t new. But it is still really painful. I am on the ‘have’ end when I am living amongst so many who are in need- who don’t ‘have.’ What do I do with this? What do we do with this? I wonder how Jesus looks upon our world and sees things like this every day- and how He weeps and feels that much more for each one of us. I know He loves my neighbors as much as he loves me, and desires that we all receive equal care when we are sick. I will keep asking what difference I can make while I have the privilege to live here, amongst His treasured children…

But I don’t have any answers.
So today I write, weep, and keep talking to God…

sharing bread

2010-04-28T13:15:00.000+07:00

This morning I awoke at 5:20 to the monks chanting. I wasn’t planning to exercise, but since I was awake anyway, I figured I would. I didn’t feel like running, so I decided to go for a bike ride. The idea to buy some bread from a street seller also occurred to me, which made it even more tempting to get out of bed! I tucked some money in my pocket and set out around 6am. Cambodia is great because even seemingly out in the middle of nowhere at this early hour, there are many other people out, too. Children are walking to school. People are cooking rice. Smells of food grilling fill the air. I didn’t know where the bread seller would be, but I rode until I found one. I bought two loaves, without really thinking about it. I rode home, and as I passed some kids playing in the road, wondered if they had eaten breakfast. I kept riding, having already passed them, but decided that I should share my bread. When I got back, I put my bike inside the gate and came out to say hi to the neighbors. Only two of them were out, but I had met all of them just a few days before and wanted to say hi. One woman was sitting on a bed with her little baby girl, and asked me to sit down. I asked her if she liked bread, and said I wanted her to have some. I have two, I only need one... She thanked me, and we chatted a bit. Did you exercise? Yes. Usually I like to run, but today I rode bike instead. Now I am very hot… On we chatted, until soon, the whole family (and whoever else was around) came over to sit by us. One man asked me my name. One of the other women chimed in. She remembered my name from when I met her a few days ago. I was so impressed! She let me hold her baby. She is seven months old, she told me- and beautiful and smelled like baby powder. She smiled at me, too. It was such a great morning, chatting with these warm people. It wasn’t even the conversation (it was quite broken ;) as much as the idea that I could pause to chat with neighbors, be invited ‘inside’ and be asked to sit down and welcomed all before 7am. Thanks God- You blessed me this morning. I may have to get some more bread to share tomorrow.

5037 drops of joy

2010-04-27T11:13:00.000+07:00

Oh how I miss you girls and life at the 5037...

encouragement

2010-04-25T14:27:00.000+07:00

yesterday I was walking around the border crossing area of Poipet by myself. I was on my way to one of the casinos to meet Mitch and Alyssa for coffee. There were lots of tourists crossing through customs at the time, but I was quite far off from them, as I walked a different direction. Soon two police officers waved me over to them, looking distressed and annoyed. ‘Give me your passport’ one of them said to me, only half in English. In Khmer I told him, “I’m sorry, I don’t have my passport with me.” I wasn’t able to continue before he said, “Why not? Where are you going? Where do you come from?” They fired questions at me, but as they exchanged glances I could see they were less annoyed.
“I don’t have my passport because I live here. I work with an NGO here in Poipet.”
The whole tone of the conversation had changed and they smiled. “Ah! You speak Khmer so much, so well! You work with the NGO. Oh, very good, have a good day, see you later!”

I can’t say this is a typical interaction with the officers at the boarder when I pass through. But yesterday I was so encouraged! They only asked simple questions so I was able to answer them. I had given them the impression I live here, I work here, this is ‘normal’ for me. They didn’t need to know I have only just arrived and I actually know very little…!

paralyzed

2010-04-23T10:29:00.000+07:00

I have been waking up between 5:30-6:30am everyday- on my own. I awake damp with sweat most days. I have high hopes and aspirations for each day; things I would like to do. Things I plan to do. Things I feel I ‘should’ do. But I feel lucky if I am able to ‘do’ even a few of these by the time the day is over. Honestly, IT IS JUST SO HOT! I am having a hard time doing much of anything.
I had forgotten what this feels like….

on the way -part 2

2010-04-21T16:21:00.000+07:00

I am just another traveler in this little piece of time
I’m a drifter, I’m a seeker, waking to this thing called life

And I struggle like a baby for each little step I take
I’M LEARNING HOW TO WALK, on the way…

I am losing the familiar
I’m not sure of anything
Every new day, it’s a new world that’s quick to steal my dreams
But the path of least of resistance wasn’t meant for me to take
I’M LEARNING WHO I AM, on the way…

Still I fall and You reach
I am foolish,
So You teach
I wander but You stay
By my side on the way

This is not what I expected
It’s not everything I planned
But there’s beauty in this mystery I don’t have to understand
But I just have to keep on moving, not with vision, but with FAITH
I’M LEARNING HOW TO SEE, on the way

So I feel these blessed burdens, and these weights upon my feet
No one said it would be easy, or that I’d ever find my peace
But I’m moving with assurance through these fears and sweet mistakes
I’M LEARNING HOW TO LIVE, on the way…

On the Way, Elizabeth Hunnicutt

I blogged about this song awhile ago, but I can't help but post it again- THIS is my life.
these lyrics so clearly state the place I am in.

I struggle like a baby.
I'm learning how to walk.
I'm not sure of anything.
I just have to keep on moving (not with vision but with faith)
There's beauty in this mystery I don't have to understand.
I'm learning how to see.
I'm learning who I am.
I'm learning how to live.
I wander but You stay (by my side) on the way

I am so grateful someone could put my emotions to words and music!
(check out this song here)

beautiful things

2010-04-11T03:35:00.000+07:00

‘Through him ALL things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. In him was LIFE, and that life was the LIGHT of men. The light SHINES in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it.’ John 1:3-5

Annie sent me the new Gungor album on itunes for my birthday. There is a really great song that I listened to over and over this morning on my run, and reflected on this place I am in- both physically in Cambodia as I adjust to a new culture, as well as the broader world that we all share. I thought about the One who put it all together; placed us in these spaces for this time. Although I seek to know Him and to know His ways, I still end up confused and lost and wonder what it all means. I still have questions about what my life here is really about.

But I still know and believe that He is LIFE. His life is LIGHT, which SHINES in this dark world even when I don’t understand how it all works. The reminder of this song- that not only does He make beautiful things in this dark world, but He makes US beautiful, too- is beautiful in itself and really beyond what I can grasp. I was able to witness hundreds of Khmer teenagers and young adults these past few days clap and cheer and praise Jesus in worship and in prayer. To know that this goes on, and to witness it is different- it was SO beautiful! I already knew that youth in Cambodia are coming to know Jesus in real and life changing ways. But to be able to be in the midst of a group of them was beyond beautiful. It didn’t take an understanding of the language to know that this LIGHT has given LIFE to many here. Things do still seem a bit strange and foreign and even ‘dark’. But the maker of ‘beautiful things’ SHINES in this darkness.

'all this pain
I wonder if I'll ever find my way
I wonder if my life could really change at all

all this earth
could all that is lost ever be found
could a garden come up from this ground at all

you make beautiful things
you make beautiful things out of the dust
you make beautiful things
you make beautiful things out of us

all around
hope is springing up from this soft ground
out of chaos life is being found in you

you make me new
you are making me new
you make me new
you are making me new'

beautiful things, gungor

thoughts after one week

2010-04-05T13:31:00.000+07:00

It’s official~ I am back in the land of Cambodia, this time for a while. It is both a blessing to be here and a shock too. Not really different than I expected but more difficult.

I wouldn’t want to repeat the day I left my beautiful friends in Portland; the words scribbled in my journal recall my heart as I sat alone for the first time in awhile.

‘it is almost physically painful to cry and to ache and hurt for this season which has passed. I feel so loved, so cared for. I couldn’t ask for anything else as I move forward, but it still hurts. My eyes are burning and I can’t stop the tears. I remember the psalm which says, ‘you know each tear, each ache is written in your book.’ It is crazy comfort, yet doesn’t allow me to stop crying. I feel very alone.’

And now, in the last week I have moved in and started a life in what seems like a different world entirely. I fall asleep to lizards and a fan, underneath a mosquito net, and wake up to roosters behind my house. The heat in the house reminds me of a wet oven. I bathe three times a day because of the sweat that drips down my back. I don’t use a shower, but wash away the dust and sweat with a scoop and bucket. My feet are again bare and brown. I have been to the market more than the grocery store. My legs and feet burn with tingling and itching from the mosquito bites, which seem to multiply every day. Everywhere I go, I speak broken phases slowly in a language I still don’t usually understand.

Yet I find there is something oddly charming in this different world. I can’t explain it, or even give it words. I feel like God has given me a heart that loves this place, even though it is uncomfortable. A heart that smiles and breaks at the same time while looking out over the city in front of me. I am challenged to learn and grow in ways beyond what I can grasp or understand- just so I can love the people around me well. At first I didn’t know how I would move forward, or if I could. It is a bit easier now, but I still wonder. Literally, all I can do is cry out to God.

‘I don’t understand this. I know I am supposed to be here. I don’t understand why, or how I can do this. But I will try- because You ask. One minute, one hour, one day at a time.’

I learned it is different to say I trust God and desperately NEED Him, and actually be LIVING it. I am in desperate need of Him every day. It is NOT easy for me to be here right now. But it is real life- painful, raw, sweet, ugly, beautiful, and in my face.

And He knows me- and He knows my brothers and sisters who share this life with me here. And He is here, too.

“I will be glad and rejoice in your unfailing love, for you have seen my troubles, and care about the anguish of my soul. You have not handed me over to my enemies, but have set me in a safe place. …but I am trusting you, O Lord, saying, ‘You are my God! My future is in your hands.” psalm 31:7-8, 14-15

still. KNOW.

2010-03-09T09:20:00.000+07:00

'be STILL and know that I am God.' psalm 46:10

today is heavy, difficult, and painful. I am having a hard time.
God speaks these words to me, and I want with everything I am to KNOW them and believe them.

March

2010-03-02T02:13:00.000+07:00

I am leaving for Cambodia later this month!
I feel like I need to write out more of my thoughts; as this time is sweet and beautiful and I don’t want it passing away without writing down even a fraction of how much I’m thinking.

In the past few days, I have heard some important words from Jesus; from my Bible and through the words of David Platt in some sermons I downloaded online. Here are some of them:

'In the same way, any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot be my disciple.' Luke 14:33

‘If you want to be my disciple, you must hate everyone else by comparison—your father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, even your own life. Otherwise, you cannot be my disciple.’ Luke 14:26

‘but none of these things move me; neither do I esteem my life dear to myself, if only I may finish my course with joy and the ministry which I have obtained from the Lord Jesus; faithfully to attest to the good news of God's grace.’ Acts 20:24

‘A certain ruler asked him, "Good teacher, what must I do to inherit eternal life?" "Why do you call me good?" Jesus answered. "No one is good—except God alone. You know the commandments: 'Do not commit adultery, do not murder, do not steal, do not give false testimony, honor your father and mother.' "All these I have kept since I was a boy," he said. When Jesus heard this, he said to him, "You still lack one thing. Sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me." When he heard this, he became very sad, because he was a man of great wealth. Jesus looked at him and said, "How hard it is for the rich to enter the kingdom of God! Indeed, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God."
Those who heard this asked, "Who then can be saved?" Jesus replied, "What is impossible with men is possible with God." Peter said to him, "We have left all we had to follow you!" "I tell you the truth," Jesus said to them, "no one who has left home or wife or brothers or parents or children for the sake of the kingdom of God will fail to receive many times as much in this age and, in the age to come, eternal life.’ Luke 18:18-30

'Think back on those early days when you first learned about Christ. Remember how you remained faithful even though it meant terrible suffering. Sometimes you were exposed to public ridicule and were beaten, and sometimes you helped others who were suffering the same things. You suffered along with those who were thrown into jail, and when all you owned was taken from you, you accepted it with joy. You knew there were better things waiting for you that will last forever.' Hebrews 10:32-34

'So do not be afraid of them. There is nothing concealed that will not be disclosed, or hidden that will not be made known. What I tell you in the dark, speak in the daylight; what is whispered in your ear, proclaim from the roofs. Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather, be afraid of the One who can destroy both soul and body in hell. Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered.’ Matthew 10:26-30

All of these words speak so much to me; most importantly, they make me deeply joyful to follow Jesus.

He reminds me:

I do not need to be afraid. He knows the number of hairs on my head.

I want to be like Peter: ‘Lord, we left ALL WE HAD to follow you.’

As Paul says in his letter to the Hebrews, ‘when all you had was taken from you, you accepted it with joy; knowing that better things were waiting…’ despite what the world around me shouts.

I believe that I will find true life if I am willing to lose my life for His sake- even if I don’t see what that ‘true life’ looks like for a long time.

I want it to be clear that I love Jesus with ALL my heart, soul, and mind because of the way I live.
This is hard to write, because it is HARD to live. but it's true.

I don’t write this because I think that it will be easy, or that it is easy. But it IS my heart. I DO believe it with all my heart. And I am excited and most of all joyful to open my hands to Jesus for the rest of my life. This isn’t new, or just starting now. But I am, I suppose, beginning a new step soon.

I am sometimes afraid of the unknowns that lie ahead. I don’t at all think this is straightforward, or simple, or going to be easy. I will cry a lot when I have to say goodbye to the people that I love in my house and in my family. But I trust Jesus MORE.

And I have decided if anything, I would like the trust and JOY found only in Him to be known deeply by those in my life. I want to love those around me well these last days because He loves us well; and pray that He could use this time in all of us to remind us of what this time we have here on earth is really about. It is not about the things that so often take up our time and our energy. Forgive us, Lord.

I believe Jesus STILL seeks to change the world- through imperfect followers like us. I pray we could be deaf to what the world around us deems important, and then be able to hear from Jesus who still calls us today to ‘give up everything, and come follow me!’

prayer

2010-02-22T12:47:00.000+07:00

O God, help us to be like your Beloved Son, Jesus.
May our baptism be as his was,
binding us in utter solidarity with your world.
Forgive our breathless quest for private spiritual solace
that does not immerse us in the needs of those
buried in the rubble of earthquakes, oppression, and poverty.
Gracious Lord, who in creation made us one humanity
and in your Son created one body in which all share one bread,
pour out on us the delight
of being fully alive in your boundless agape.
Lamb of God, who takes away the sins of the world,
have mercy on us.
Lamb of God, who takes away the sins of the world,
have mercy on us.
Lamb of God, who takes away the sins of the world,
grant us your peace.
In the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. Amen.

James Anderson

authority

2010-02-09T01:54:00.000+07:00

At church a situation was mentioned about a Portland politician who said that perhaps one day Portland would be Jesus’ favorite city. After receiving jabs from the media, he clarified; stating that he hoped Portland would be a city that is built on love, understanding, and social justice. Jesus is of course known by all to value these, and as a follower of Jesus I am happy to find Him identified in these values, knowing all agree on their importance. Yet if I indentify Jesus as loving and understanding, someone who values justice for all- and that’s it… I am missing ALL of who Jesus is.

Yes, these are easy things to identify with Him. We can see that. But to see Him as:

“the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation…by him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible…He is before all things, and in him all things hold together.” (Colossians 1:15-17)

This is different.

We are reading through the Gospel of Mark. In Chapter 1, Jesus is teaching in the synagogue, and the people see He is different than the others they have heard.

“The people were amazed at his teaching, because he taught them as one who had authority, not as the teachers of the law. Just then a man in their synagogue who was possessed by an evil spirit cried out, "What do you want with us, Jesus of Nazareth? Have you come to destroy us? I know who you are—the Holy One of God!" "Be quiet!" said Jesus sternly. "Come out of him!" The evil spirit shook the man violently and came out of him with a shriek.
“The people were all so amazed that they asked each other, "What is this? A new teaching—and with authority! He even gives orders to evil spirits and they obey him." (22-27)

Jesus has authority. My desire is for Him to have authority over every piece of my life. Sometimes I think He does. But sometimes I am selfish. Some things are easy to give up. But giving Him everything is not easy.

Yet I honestly trust Him. We sang a song; the line, “this world has nothing for me” was simple and true.

I have been thankful and so much aware of the blessing of my days lately. I have more freedom with my time than I have in a long time. I have great friends. I have had the opportunity to play at the beach and in the mountains- in just the past two days! I have every reason to be happy.

And I am happy. But the happiness is more than that. It is joy, which outlasts circumstances. If I were living for free time, adventure, friendship, and the fun random days, I might be happy sometimes. But the joy I have is deeper. It has come from giving (or attempting to give!) Jesus authority over my life. There are lots of times I must give it up again and again. But I felt it last night, “there is so much more to life than these things...” And even though I don’t know what that means, I move forward. Step by step, day by day- by faith and not by sight. It is not always simple or straightforward, but the JOY is there because Jesus is more to me than a lover of social justice. He is my authority, who holds all things together.

broken pieces

2010-02-03T03:21:00.000+07:00

God, I sit
desperate for you to show yourself
desperate for your wisdom
desperate for your healing
the broken pieces of the world have been thrown into mine
and as much as I want to heal
and make everything better
it is not my job
it’s yours

but for all I am able
give me something I can do
a broken piece
so that I can do my share.
and no matter how dark and heavy it gets,
I want to be in the midst of it,
not far away
but you must be the only light that burns inside of me
You are the only light in this darkness.

‘…and his life brought light to everyone. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness can never extinguish it.’ John 1:4-5

loved

2010-01-22T01:29:00.000+07:00

the deep awareness of the reality of my situation hit me again yesterday. I am moving to a different country, following only the direction of Jesus. it is real. and it is a little scary too. but the deep awareness was that of how much I am loved by those He has given me. and how great it is to love them back. it was strange and beautiful and yet incredibly real and almost tangible to ponder, and I am grateful in a way I could never put into words. I know that I never want to forget it, though, so I am writing it down.

an anonymous quotation from my high school journal came to me as I reflected.
'there is no surprise more magical than the surprise of being loved; it is God's hand on our shoulder...'

warm pockets

2010-01-13T09:23:00.000+07:00

On Saturday morning I embraced the chilly Colorado winter and went for a run along the Santa Fe Trail, which runs right along the property where I am staying. My computer told me it was 19 degrees, so I wore my hat, gloves, and layered on the clothes, as I was determined to enjoy the sunny winter morning and didn’t want any excuse to return inside. For the first mile and a half, my hands were almost numb, the air was thin and frigid, and I felt the heaviness of the layers I wore. Yet the sun was bright and the air was crisp and fresh.

After the first loop, I returned to where I began, and shed some of the weight, as my hands and core were now warm. I felt light; and now free to continue on the other direction.

The sun shone bright in my eyes as I ran east. The rocks slid beneath my feet.

The run was perfect. Not because it was easy, comfortable, or always felt great. But because God spoke to me through the cold, the moments by breath was short because of the 7,000 feet of rising hills, and in the moments when I was just tired.

At one point, as I ran with the sun almost blinding my eyes, I took a breath and it was warm. It was one of those warm pockets- where the air is warm in the midst of the cold surrounding it. It only lasts for a moment. I don’t understand why or how it happens- but it is so real, so tangible. It was as if I was in the middle of sunshine on the beach instead of in the mountains at 7:45am on a January morning.

My iPod played words in my ears, which spoke to me as if He were right there. I became so aware--
That He wasn’t leaving me anywhere, despite where I may go and how alone I might feel. That my life is so short- and living it for myself is really a waste of time. That no matter how hard anything in my future is; I have already overcome it with the cross of Christ. Therefore, I move forward in JOY.

'I'm forgiven by a Savior who did not deserve death 
He was blameless and I was lost in shamefulness 
Undelivered, but it doesn't seem right 
Unless I keep my eyes focused on the Savior who gave His life 
In the middle of a world that denies it believes 
It is breaking apart at the very seams 
There is one thing to be alive for 
And it's to take up my cross and follow You Lord  

When You stand, the tall trees and mountains bow 
When You speak, the fiercest of oceans is still 
And I see the sinner seek devotion 
The lost become chosen,
and I fall to my knees

I will take up my cross and follow
Lord where You lead me 
And I will take up my cross and follow
wherever you go'

(Devotion, Hillsong United)

The sun was bright. The snow sparkled. And the gravel was bumpy under my feet. And during all of this, my purpose was again called to mind. I knew He would be there; for the rest of my life, and surely on this journey ahead.

Like the sunshine.

Sometimes it was cool and colder, but the sun was never gone. The air was thin, yet I was able to go on. And during the few moments I was tired and ready to be done, His voice lingered in the air- somewhere in the warm pockets.

lost

2010-01-07T11:55:00.000+07:00

my mind, distracted
I don't know how to emerge
I can't even write

I have been wanting to write lately; there are so many things on my mind. but today, all I could come up with was this haiku.

I have been meaning to post this...

2009-12-31T03:46:00.000+07:00

This amazing video makes me smile and reminds me one of the reasons I love working at the hospital! I was however, a little jealous that this is a neighboring Portland hospital, but not the one I work at, so I didn't get to be a part of it.
but I LOVE THE JOY on these faces!

christmas

2009-12-25T04:11:00.000+07:00

and they will call him Immanuel, which means ‘God with us.'

God showed how much he loved us by sending his one and only Son into the world so that we might have eternal life through him. This is real love—not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to take away our sins.

In the beginning the Word already existed. The Word was with God, and the Word was God. He existed in the beginning with God. God created everything through him, and nothing was created except through him. The Word gave life to everything that was created, and his life brought light to everyone. The light shines in the darkness,and the darkness can never extinguish it. He came into the very world he created, but the world didn’t recognize him. He came to his own people, and even they rejected him.

But to all who believed him and accepted him, he gave the right to become children of God. They are reborn—not with a physical birth resulting from human passion or plan, but a birth that comes from God.

So the Word became human and made his home among us. He was full of unfailing love and faithfulness. And we have seen his glory, the glory of the Father’s one and only Son.

From his abundance we have all received one gracious blessing after another. For the law was given through Moses, but God’s unfailing love and faithfulness came through Jesus Christ. No one has ever seen God. But the unique One, who is himself God, is near to the Father’s heart. He has revealed God to us.

Matthew 1:23
John 1:1-5,10-14,16-18
1 John 4:9-10

on our side

2009-12-20T03:21:00.000+07:00

I have been reflecting on the words to this song today; as Christmas draws near, this the most beautiful story of Christmas I have heard in a long time. This is truly good news, and reminds me that nothing about the real meaning of Christmas or the Gospel of Christ makes sense. And this is the best news of all.

You Are on Our Side, Bethany Dillon

The orphan clings to Your hand
Singing the song of how he was found
The widow rejoices
For her oppressors are silenced now

You sit at the table with the wounded and the poor
You laugh and share stories with the thief and the whore
When You could just be silent and leave us here to die
Still, You sent Your Son for us
You are on our side

The runaway falls at Your feet
You are what he has searched for
The rich man is broken
When he stands beneath a sky full of stars

You sit at the table with the wounded and the poor
You laugh and share stories with the thief and the whore
When You could just be silent and leave us here to die
Still, You sent Your Son for us
You are on our side

You sit at the table with the wounded and the poor
You laugh and share stories with the thief and the whore
When You could just be silent and leave us here to die
Still, You sent Your Son for us
You are on our side

Still, You sent Your Son for us
You are on our side

thankful 2009

2009-11-29T00:21:00.000+07:00

for the simple and complex:

talking all night
toothpaste
sisters who aren't
running for hours
cold water from a fountain
clean towels
family dinners
photography
possibility
night lights in the city
solitude
poetry
hymns at church
being a caregiver
the right words at the right moment
contentment
laughter
meeting goals
candles
heat from the vent
holding hands
handwritten letters
listening to friends sing
papaya
discovering new music
smooth sheets
Stumptown coffee
plain yogurt
freedom in honesty
text messages
new love
breakfast in Portland
hammocks
....

join the tradition

2009-11-26T03:59:00.000+07:00

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. I love this day, as it's just another reason to praise Jesus for the million and one ways He has blessed and provided for me. Every year, I make a list. I write down EVERYTHING. seriously, everything I can think of. the smell of soap. coffee. clean water which runs from the tap. the list goes on. I have done it for years, and I think cultivating gratitude is important. This year, as a prayer of Thanksgiving, make a list...

'Give THANKS to the Lord Almighty,
for the Lord is good;
His love endures forever.'
Jeremiah 33:11

in light of eternity

2009-11-23T01:10:00.000+07:00

Yesterday I had a brief glimpse outside my life here- and the walls I often find myself in. I had an intense vision of joy and hope. A vision of what really matters. I recalled the deep joy I have discovered in Jesus- that freedom from fear, freedom from control and freedom from failure. I was aware that He is God of the beginning, and of the end… and the God of every moment in between.
As I think about leaving the US for a while, I am comforted in knowing that this life is only a glimpse in light of eternity. So I don’t need to worry about those I leave here. I don’t have to worry about anything in the future- or in the present. I have given my life to Jesus, and this is true contentment. I can give the people I love to Him, too- and even though it’s still painful, remember that His love for these people I love is even deeper than mine. For these relationships under His care, we are really only separated for a short time. It is still not easy for me to think to think about. But I am grateful for the glimpse in light of eternity that I was given yesterday. This God who is in charge is so much bigger- and greater-than I can grasp.

“Lord, remind me how brief my time on earth will be. Remind me that my days are numbered—how fleeting my life is. You have made my life no longer than the width of my hand. My entire lifetime is just a moment to you; at best, each of us is but a breath. We are merely moving shadows, and all our busy rushing ends in nothing. We heap up wealth, not knowing who will spend it. And so, Lord, where do I put my hope? My only hope is in you. Rescue me from my rebellion...” Psalm 39:4-8

Jesus lives

2009-11-13T03:29:00.000+07:00

This week I found Jesus living
Amidst darkness, addiction, and depression
In lives that have been wrecked by warfare, strongholds and demons
In farm families in the Midwest, businessmen in DC
Tiny tribes in Mali, and the deaf in Guatemala
In blonde-haired children, and in multi-cultural families
In those from atheist homes, Middle Eastern cities, and on the beaches of Indonesia

I was reminded

He performs miracles
He restores relationships
He changes hearts
He transforms cultures

In corners all over the world
He lives

He is near

2009-11-12T07:20:00.000+07:00

“If I could hear Christ praying for me in the next room, I would not fear a million enemies. Yet distance makes no difference. He is praying for me.” –Robert Murray M’Cheyne

In the last week and a half, I have felt battered by tactics of the enemy, and acutely aware of just how much I need Jesus in my life as I move forward. This week I am in training with others from around the country who are being sent around the world. We go with the message of hope found in Jesus. I know how much I need Him, but I don’t always live this way. This week, after hearing story upon story, I remember again. I am about to go on a journey that is clearly not something I can do on my own.

This morning we reflected on John 17. Our leader had us choose from three different verses in this chapter; all prayers of Jesus for us- and to make them personal. I was drawn to this:

“Father, I do not ask You to take (her) out of the world, but to keep (her) safe from the evil one. “ (from John 17:15)

I can rejoice and move forward because of Jesus; who has overcome evil on all levels, who prays for me, and who IS nearer to me than the next room.

If you read my blog and want to know more about my journey meeting Jesus in Cambodia, please write a comment!

today's reflections

2009-10-31T10:14:00.000+07:00

I need to remember
I am accountable
abundance requires responsibility

not everyone can eat anything they want for dinner
It doesn’t solve anything for me to go without
but may Your voice
keep me mindful
and
aware

I am filled;
most often, full in a way
that makes me uncomfortable
I am thankful;
yet I am not satisfied

how can I sleep without stirring
(even in my heart)
for those who are hungry?

It is not merely food
It is opportunity.
equality.
dignity.
respect.

I have privilege I don’t deserve
my neighbors lack that which they do

You say much will be required
(of me)
for to me, much has been given

what now, God?

I am selfish

teach me how to share
to be mindful and wise
speak your generosity into my being
show me how to give what I have away
because of Your name

rejoice II

2009-10-02T11:17:00.000+07:00

'my Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. but I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. and I hope that I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. and I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I know nothing about it. therefore I will trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will not leave me to face my perils alone.'
thomas merton

rejoice

2009-10-01T02:06:00.000+07:00

‘do not despise these small beginnings, for the Lord rejoices to see the work begin...’ zechariah 4:10

Last fall I spent a week in Florida, and in that week solidified a promise I had made to God the previous October. I was welcomed into a broader family who understood God’s heart for the world. In this, I committed in word and on paper I would move to Cambodia; with a (more) clear plan in place as to how this was to happen.

Toward the end of the week, I discovered this verse. Yes, I was in the midst of a small beginning. Nothing was going to move quickly- or as quickly as maybe I would have liked. It was going to be a process; with lots of work to do along the way, lots of conversations to be had, lots of explanations. I wondered at times what the impact of this decision I had made would have- for the near future and beyond that, too. Surely I was going to be misunderstood. I was going to feel alone. I was going to be judged. I was going to look like something I am not. I was probably going to hurt people. It was scary and beyond overwhelming. Yet the joy was like nothing I could ever put into words. I was alive in a way I never wanted to lose.

I sought to know the heart of God, and I recognized my decision was ultimately His for me. No matter what happened along the way, what mattered if I were just to follow Him and do what He told me to do? So I took another step in faith- the same faith which has moved me this much closer to where I am today.

It has almost been a year since that week. I smile when I think of what God has done. It was a small beginning, but I can see the Lord rejoicing, too. I am much closer to my departure, even though it often still seems beyond my grasp. And it is. It’s His idea- and I will wait. I rejoice even when I wonder what I am doing some days. I never doubt, but it doesn’t mean it always makes sense to me. Sometimes I feel lost and wonder how this plan He has is really going to work. I feel alone. Recently I was met with the strongest sense of desperation. I cried out to God; ‘if you don’t show up, I absolutely can’t do this.’ It was a hard day. Yet a blessing and a lesson in humility because I really can’t move forward without His hand on me. And I don’t want to.

I still often feel misunderstood- I get the sense that others find me courageous and brave. A good person. Strong. I promise you it’s not at all true. But I do really love Jesus, and know that He is why I walk this way.

Lord, I pray you may rejoice in the work that has begun. Know my heart. I don’t move forward for any reason or in any way other than You.

shake me to life

2009-09-17T08:10:00.000+07:00

for (these) I am passionate
not what (foolishness) I get lost in
here.

so take me out of here
physically
mentally
spiritually

take me to where You are
give me your heart
break mine down for those same things
allow me to hurt in the ways you hurt
and see the world as you see it

take away my cynicism and doubt
my need to appear strong
the distance I keep myself away
the safety I’d easily fall into

I want to take the risks
that you say are worth it
in order that I might

love myself tired
spend myself empty
give myself away

because you said you came to give life
and I don’t want any other ‘life’
than the one you offer

so
shake me until I’m awake
shout until I pay attention
break my heart until the hardness has fallen away

then
rescue the beautiful pieces
and put me back together
so that I may go on.

“I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.”
John 10:10

prayer for today

2009-08-20T08:15:00.000+07:00

I re-read this prayer yesterday and it came alive.

may God bless you with a restless discomfort about easy answers, half-truths and superficial relationships, so that you may seek truth boldly and love deeply from the heart.

may God bless you with a holy anger at injustice, oppression, and exploitation of people, so that you may find strength to work for justice, freedom, and peace.

may God bless you with the gift of tears to shed with those who suffer from pain, rejection, starvation, or the loss of all that they cherish, so that you may reach out your hand to help comfort them.

may God bless you with enough foolishness to believe that you really can make a difference in this world, so that you are able, with God's grace,do to what others claim cannot be done.

and the blessing of God be with you and remain with you. Amen

~prayer based on a Franciscan blessing, and orginally posted by my friend pip. I loved it then, but felt like it needed to show up on my blog today as well.
thanks girl...

know

2009-08-11T08:09:00.000+07:00

I’d like to sit with you
and drink my coffee today
I’d like to learn something
from meeting you
outside the boundaries
to learn because it’s personal
because today I’m not interested
in proper
what is it like to be told a truth
and then be forced to live it
to see the sunshine
and not feel it on your skin
to hope and dream
exhausted
to lose little pieces of yourself
emerging different
embracing uncertainty in each day
because you don’t know
you don't
have an option
trusting strangers
becoming a story
an open book
even if you didn’t want to
details written in codes and acronyms
do you know?
does it make you less of a person?

confessions on the sabbath

2009-07-13T05:12:00.000+07:00

I am currently taking an Old Testament Survey class online. I was convicted recently as I listened to a lecture on the Ten Commandments and the professor spoke about remembering the Sabbath. I have recently felt way too busy and overwhelmed. A few friends suggested I take a day or two to do nothing. Relax. Rest. Pray. Read. Whatever. Just don’t work. It sounded great-- but I never made it happen. Why is a day of rest so hard? It’s not that I think that I am so important that something is going to fall apart without me. I just feel like there is always more work to do- and so it’s hard for me to stop until the work is done. Yeah, I know how silly that is. There will ALWAYS be more work to do. So I had to smile when I listened to the “Keep holy the Sabbath” part of the lecture. Seriously God? I get it.
This is one commandment I will admit I have never taken seriously. Why not? I don’t know. I used to think of the Sabbath as going to church. I’m not sure why. I love going to church, but I know that my presence at church on Sunday nights hardly equals keeping the Sabbath holy. But I want to start taking this commandment seriously. I want to change my habits and traditions one day every week. Because not only is it good, it was God’s idea. And not just an idea, or a suggestion- but a command. He knows my life. He knows what kind of crazy distracted world I live in. Just another reason I must rest. Thanks for the lesson. :)

life in pictures

2009-07-08T01:42:00.000+07:00

In looking through my friends’ photo blogs, I have admired the way they simply but beautifully tell the stories of their lives. Minimal words, mostly pictures. Simple; but raw, genuine, and real. Vulnerable at times. Funny and lighthearted in others. Overall, I just love the way that a photo a day tells the story of life. I’m starting the project. I'm taking a picture every day for a year. I want to be intentional in my vision. I want to embrace moments and live aware of even the simple things. I am not going to go out of my way to take pictures of special or exotic things- I only want to document the things of my normal day-to-day life. I named it life in pictures on my links.

just willing

2009-07-02T21:11:00.000+07:00

In my Perspectives class, I read an article called Just Willing by a man named Casey Morgan. He writes about a two day seminar he and his wife attended in which God opened their eyes for the first time to His love for all nations and all peoples. He talked about how he and his wife discovered for the first time the biblical foundation for cross-cultural missions. God changed their perspective, and their lives were never the same because of it. They decided to sell their house in Texas and move to the “concrete jungle” of East Asia with their three small children.

He reflects on one day at the seminar when someone came up to him, looked him in the eye, and questioned:

“What part of your life reflects God’s desire to be known among every people group on the planet?”

He continues on:

“As far as we could tell, none.

There was no way we could ignore the new information. How could we walk away and continue on as we had been? We faced some major decisions. Our perspective on the world had changed. It was clear that the way we lived- even where we lived- was going to have to change, too.

...to be honest, the prospect of going somewhere halfway around the world was pretty scary. We tried to convince ourselves that because people right where we lived needed Jesus, maybe we ought to just stay put. Still, as we sifted through what God had brought to our attention, it became evident that the most impact we could have would be among those furthest removed from the gospel. So we decided to go. That’s when everyone thought we’d changed.

People around us would often say, “Wow, you guys have such a clear calling to serve overseas. I don’t think I could ever do that.” My wife and I didn’t know what to say. We felt like we were just like them. Why were we so different all of a sudden? Others would comment on how committed we must be. They applauded our self sacrifice and lifted us up as spiritual giants of sorts...

Recently, I’ve been able to put my finger on what separates us from the countless others back home. Willingness.

We never had a special calling to “go.” We’re not any more spiritual than you or the person sitting next to you in church. We’re just willing. That’s all.

If you’re content to stay without ever asking yourself, “what’s keeping me from going to the widest end of the gap?” you may end up wondering of the lack of risk was worth it. If it’s a missionary call you’re waiting for, here it is: Come, follow us.”

I loved this article because he put so many of my thoughts and feelings into words. I read it and thought, “Yes. This is it.” This thing- willingness, is simple and profound at the same time. I share with the author a knowledge that I don’t offer anything special or extraordinary. I believe that as He called his disciples, Jesus continues to call ordinary people. I am not extra holy, heroic, or any more put together than anyone else. In fact, I believe that He seeks to use me in the midst of all of my faults and weaknesses. I have a lot! Yet, when they are always before me, I remember that I can’t do any of this journey on my own. I am reminded every day.

I am just me. But God spoke of this love He has for the nations to me, too. I too have been left changed and made more aware. And I told God yes. I am willing.

weekend in minnesota: people

2009-07-02T05:33:00.000+07:00

weekend in minnesota: place

2009-07-02T05:21:00.000+07:00

awake

2009-06-26T17:52:00.000+07:00

A friend commented recently that she thinks only a small percentage of people are living life awake. This may be on purpose or not. But I think it's true. I've been thinking about it ever since.

My patient tonight was sleepy when I opened the door to her room. I talked softly; telling her what I was going to do. She moved slightly as I uncovered her a little. When I was finished recording her vital signs and drawing some labs, I lifted her arm and covered her up again with the heavy white blankets. As I did, she stirred again; the kind of stirring where I realized she had completely drifted back to sleep in the few minutes it took me to complete my simple tasks. After being covered, I could see she was comfortable again. Wasn't about to wake up. Sound asleep. No longer knew I was standing there. I turned off the lights and closed the door.

And I thought again about this idea of living awake. Even when things are going on all around us, as they were for my patient- it doesn't necessarily mean we wake up. Or want to wake up. It's so much easier to sleep, to numb away the hard things, let the uncomfortable things pass by without dealing with them. Or even being aware of them. We get good at this- the act of forgetting, not noticing, proceeding forward, absent in some way. We don't mind being naive or apathetic. Sometimes, when too many things threaten to take over, I think about how I wish I could just go to sleep until it's over.

But I want to appreciate living awake. I want to be intentionally present in all the details. Even if it's painful. Or uncomfortable without heavy blankets to hide under. I don't want to be numb or absent from any part of my life.

drops of joy

2009-06-20T05:21:00.000+07:00

It started with a gray sky. Then a few drops of rain fell. Then more, and more, until we found ourselves in the midst of a complete downpour. At first, it seemed like any other rainy afternoon in Cambodia during the rainy season. One minute it was sunny with a few clouds, the next minute the rain poured down. But this particular day was different. The rain hit my face. It soaked my shoulders. My dry hair was drenched, and it came down, harder, and harder... and harder. It poured down the front of my shirt, and as we rode home on the back of the little moped, I started to laugh. The rain tickled my skin, my ears, my face. I was completely saturated, and it just kept coming. And I laughed harder. I couldn’t stop laughing, until the tears ran from my eyes, mixing with the raindrops which already covered my face. I remember not even being sure of what it was that caused me to laugh until I cried. It was like the absurdity of the whole thing overtook me until I couldn’t control my emotions. I was living in a hard place, and the frequent rain was just one more thing. Yet on that day the rain and gray skies weren’t discouraging- although the rest of my week might have been. I remember God showing up in those ten minutes, reminding me that in the midst of it all, I was living- and living fully engaged and alive. It was a tangible reminder about beauty and hope in the mundane, wet, dirty, and messy pieces of life.

I have been swimming in my thoughts lately. Feeling discouraged sometimes too. Wondering what God is doing in me, and how He will choose to use my messy and imperfect life. Today I sat for awhile at Mt. Tabor park, under the tall trees and gray of the Portland sky. Then rain started to fall. Only a few drops at first; but soon it was another downpour. My clothes were stuck to my skin, my hair was dripping, and in the warm air I was reminded of that day in Cambodia. I smiled as I was reminded again of the deep joy and hope which lie in the midst of the gray and wet.

on the way

2009-06-09T13:08:00.000+07:00

i am just another traveler
in this little piece of time
i’m a drifter, i’m a seeker
waking to this thing called life
and i struggle like a baby for each little step i take
learning how to walk on the way

i am losing the familiar i’m not sure of anything
every new day it’s a new world that’s quick to steal my dreams
but the path of resistance
wasn’t meant for me to take
i’m learning who i am on the way

still i fall and you reach
i am foolish, so you teach
i wander but you stay
by my side on the way

this was not what i expected it’s not everything i planned
but there’s beauty in this mystery
i don’t have to understand
but i just have to keep on moving
not with vision but with faith
i’m learning how to see on the way

still i fall and you reach
i am foolish, so you teach
i wander but you stay
by my side on the way

so i feel these blessed burdens
and these weights upon my feet
no one said it would be easy
or that i’d ever find my peace
but i’m moving with assurance
through these fears and sweet mistakes
i’m learning how to live on the way

on the way,
elizabeth hunnicutt

because justice matters

2009-06-04T05:08:00.000+07:00

love BECAUSE darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that. and all of life is interrelated because all men are caught in an inescapable network of mutuality, tied in a single garment of destiny. whatever affects one directly affects all indirectly. I can never be what I ought to be until you are what you ought to be, and you can never be what you ought to be until I am what I ought to be. Martin Luther King Jr. therefore, you shalt not be a victim. you shalt not be a perpetrator. above all, you shalt not be a bystander. Yehuda Bauer. the trouble is that once you see it, you can’t unsee it. and once you’ve seen it, keeping quiet, saying nothing, becomes as political an act as speaking out. either way, you’re accountable. Arundhati Roy. so listen because JUSTICE is conscience, not a personal conscience but the conscience of all of humanity. those who clearly recognize the voice of their own conscience usually recognize also the voice of justice. Alexander Solzhenitsyn. act in love knowing that in this life we cannot do great things. we can only do small things with great love. but it is not the magnitude of our actions but the amount of love that is put into them that MATTERS. Mother Teresa. and in the end justice will rise up and hope and history will rhyme. Seamus Heaney.

(thanks Juice!)

Adventure of the Seas

2009-05-26T08:14:00.000+07:00

We met in Puerto Rico last Sunday; my mom, sisi, and me
To board a ship and sail the Caribbean Sea

They took silly pictures before we even boarded the ship
And hand delivered our suitcases, almost too full to be zipped

We ran around to explore floors one through fourteen
Everything was so beautiful, glistening, and clean

The water refilled, three forks, fine wine...
We gathered each night in Vivaldi to dine

Ten at our table; four of them Brits
Stories and conversation was always a hit

Two desserts, the coffee, champagne as a treat
White linens, some singing, and new friends to meet

Lashana’s lovely bread and Derya’s smile
Made all at our table want to stay for awhile

The menu divine, the food always hot
I’d order two entrees, and hear Derya’s sweet “Why not?”

We stayed up late dancing outside under stars
Oriana received a free drink from the bar

In the middle of the ocean we climbed a rock wall
Went swimming, ice skating, and tried not to fall

Clear teal water and Aruba’s white sand
We left the island with a coconut in hand

The locals in Dominica were funny and kind
We floated the river and the boys didn’t mind

Curacao was beautiful, but we didn’t stay cool
So we boarded the ship and jumped in the pool

St. Thomas was sailing and endless rum punch
With the sun, waves, and dancing we made a lively bunch

On the ship was a line, and to the photographers dismay
We’d stick out our tongues and get pictures our way

Towels turned animals, crisp sheets, a clean floor
The room was transformed when Carl came through the door

The crew was amazing; working all day and night
Doing everything they could to make our vacation just right

Would you rather be an egg or a bee?
Or joke about awkward arms in the bag or the pets at sea?

I won’t soon forget this past week in May
I hope the Caribbean calls us back again one day!

love!

2009-04-30T07:58:00.000+07:00

my neighborhood
april 29, 2009

2009-04-28T12:31:00.000+07:00

Lord, I believe in you; help me to believe more firmly.
I trust in you; help me to trust more surely.
I love you; help me to love more ardently.
I am sorry for my sins; help me to deepen my sorrow.

Guide me by your wisdom, correct me by your justice.
Comfort me by your mercy, defend me with your power.

Lord, I offer you,
my thoughts to be centered on you, my words to speak of you,
my actions to do your will, my sufferings for your sake.

I want whatever you want;
Because you want it,
The way you want it,
As long as you want it.

Lord, enlighten my mind, strengthen my will,
purify my heart, and sanctify my spirit.

Lord, in your goodness, grant me the grace to love you
and to forget myself, to seek my neighbor's good
and despise the seduction of the world.

Teach me to obey those in authority, serve those under my care,
look after my friends, and forgive my enemies.

Teach me;
How trivial wordly interests are
How momentous is the Kingdom
How brief temporal concerns are
How lasting is life eternal!

Excerpts from the prayer of of Pope Clement XI

42.2km

2009-04-24T04:35:00.000+07:00

My dear friend Pip and I have been training for the Canberra Marathon these past few months. Ever since we finished our first one last June, we have been hooked on this crazy running adventure- which is exhausting, exhilarating, and everything in between. Once again, during this race I wondered why exactly I do this-- but yet again, it was a fleeting thought which disappeared after a few minutes, and was gone completely after I crossed the line.
I didn't run as fast as I had wanted to- but I was filled with joy in the process of running this race. It was so much fun! Feeling the breeze. Energized by the crowd. Refreshed by water and cool sponges. Ready to fall over in fatigue. But just as ready to keep running and cross the line. What a blast! And now, just another reason to keep going...

New Life

2009-04-23T13:59:00.000+07:00

I was baptized as a baby, in the tradition of my church. After seventh grade, I gave my life completely to Jesus, but at that time I didn’t think about being baptized again.
Yet after following Christ for some time now, I felt that it was important for me to be baptized- as His daughter who fully believes and understands the decision. To declare openly my love for Jesus and my desire and intent to follow Him for the rest of my life. Because I want to be obedient to what Jesus tells His followers to do. Because I recognize my desperate need for the Holy Spirit to do dangerous and impossible things. Because I turn from sin and believe that Jesus is stronger than the strongest evils of this life.

”We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life. If we have been united with him like this in his death, we will certainly also be united with him in his resurrection. For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin—” Romans 6:4-6

“Peter said, "Change your life. Turn to God and be baptized, each of you, in the name of Jesus Christ, so your sins are forgiven. Receive the gift of the Holy Spirit.” Acts 2:38

Thank you Pip and Rosie, for praying for and with me- immersing me in water, and blessing me by your presence. Praise God for his gift, too wonderful for words. I am blessed to know I don’t walk this Way alone.

Byron Bay, Australia
April 14, 2009

"Anyone who belongs to Christ is a new person. The past is forgotten, and everything is new." 2 Corinthians 5:17

April!

2009-04-20T08:50:00.000+07:00

what a great month!
birthday, baptism, best race times...
April 5- Race for the Roses in Portland- pb half marathon time
April 8- celebrated from midnight on- complete with Annie's lemon meringue pie at 2am ;)
April 14- got baptized at the ocean in Australia
April 19- pb time for marathon #2 in Canberra
more details soon!

2009-04-01T12:28:00.000+07:00

"If you cling to your life, you will lose it; but if you give up your life for me, you will find it."
~Matthew 10:39