Monday, November 29, 2010
the recent events in Cambodia
For me it all started last Monday night around 7:30pm. My friend Annie was visiting in Cambodia, and we had just returned from a long weekend away that afternoon. To make the most of our one night in Phnom Penh before we left again the next morning for the beach, we decided to have dinner out with my friend Cate.
Cate and I have been living in Cambodia for a while now, and knew that it was the final night of the Water Festival here in Phnom Penh. This is historically a huge celebration for Cambodians, where this year a predicted 3 million people from all over the country would flock to the city to watch boat races and to gather with friends for three days.
Yet neither of us thought that going to dinner would be such chaos; after all, we weren’t even going to the riverfront- where I thought most of the people would be concentrated. But on the ride to the restaurant, we were forced to get out and walk, as the street ahead of us was closed to traffic. The street ahead was also completely filled with people. Honestly, I didn’t really think anything of it, except the annoyance of the lack of crowd control and what seemed to be the norm in this place- chaos- that I didn’t feel like dealing with that night. I was sick of the crowds, sick of sweating, and wondered why everyone thought it was “fun” to go out on a night that was so ridiculously overcrowded and built up. We kept walking and made our way through the crowds, shoulder to shoulder with way too many people- and then arrived at the restaurant only to find it closed. To say the evening was frustrating and irritating was an understatement.
The next morning, before I boarded the bus to the beach, I bought a copy of local newspaper, The Cambodia Daily. As I sat in the bus before we left, I scanned the front page. ‘Bloodshed as Stampede Strikes Island Bridge’ was the first article that caught my eye. But honestly, it didn’t even seem to be presented as huge news- no big bold letters or even photos. As I look back, it makes sense, since all the chaos was still happening as this morning paper was being published. Still, I was shocked. I read the article aloud to Annie. I couldn’t believe what I was reading. It was even more real to me as memories of walking down a massively crowded street only about twelve hours before was still fresh in my memory. It had honestly never even occurred to me how dangerous it could be. It was clear that no one else could have imagined it either.
Within minutes I began to receive lots of text messages. My sister in Minnesota had read it on CNN.com. My expatriate friends were already arranging times to meet and pray. I began to realize that perhaps it was even more grim than the article I had just read. I didn’t know what to think as I thought about the deadly chaos and how many thousands of Cambodians lives that had just been turned upside down in the last few hours; as I had slept comfortably in my bed on the other side of the city.
Because I was on my way out of the city, I felt like I was a little disconnected to all that has gone on here in Phnom Penh this past week. Groups of friends meeting to pray. Debriefing with Cambodian friends. Seeing people lighting incense, praying to the spirits of the deceased and giving offerings on the streets. The national day of mourning last Thursday; where the whole city shut down.
But even from the little island where I spent the days following the event, I didn’t forget. I gathered with other Cambodians and foreigners under the simple shelter of a family home to watch some of the news on TV. I had Cambodians asking me if I knew about all the people who died in Phnom Penh on Monday night, and what it was like there. I read personal stories from the Phnom Penh Post, detailing a mother who had lost both of her young daughters on their first ever trip to Phnom Penh, among many others like it. And as we sailed away from the island in a boat on Thursday, I noticed a Cambodian flag flying at half-mast.
As I have returned to Phnom Penh and gotten a bit more caught up on life and happenings while I was away, I have paused to reflect some more. As I prayed this morning, I read Psalm 39, and was overwhelmed with the peace that is only found in Jesus.
‘Lord, remind me how brief my time on earth will be. Remind me that my days are numbered—how fleeting my life is. You have made my life no longer than the width of my hand. My entire lifetime is just a moment to you; at best, each of us is but a breath.’ We are merely moving shadows, and all our busy rushing ends in nothing. We heap up wealth, not knowing who will spend it. And so, Lord, where do I put my hope? My only hope is in you.’ psalm 39:4-7
I don’t seek to share this message of hope in Jesus with people here in order to make them more like me, “convert” them, or manipulate them. I really just want them to come to KNOW Him.
Today I am aware DEEP in my heart just how much Jesus loves each one of those who died, their families, and all the people in this country. He offers a peace and joy that I know personally and desperately want others to know too. It doesn’t make sense of this situation or provide an explanation. But He is the only one who can bring peace in these times; peace that cannot be found anywhere else.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
trees and rocks
yesterday before we started our morning at the clinic, a visiting guest shared a beautiful inspiration and prayer with us.
he talked about a type of native tree in New Zealand which grows up out of the rock. it's roots spread out across the rock, and as more trees grow, all of their roots become intertwined, allowing them to grow strong and be held in place on and in the rock. however sometimes there are not enough roots that grow deep into the rock, and so with the weight of the many intertwined trees, as they grow, they eventually fall into the water because their roots were not deep enough in the rock to hold them up.
and so it is with us. we are made to grow together, to help each other to grow deep, to hold each other up; closer to the Rock. but if our roots aren't strong enough in the Rock, our strength in the others who hold us up is not enough- and we fall off.
what a joy to be a tree growing on the Rock, alongside brothers and sisters as we grow alongside one another; supporting each other so we can grow together, with our roots deeper in the Rock. it doesn't matter who we are, where we come from, we are all necessary in making the network, our family, stronger; as we strive to dig down deeper in the ROCK which holds us secure.
beautiful.
'have the roots of your being firmly and deeply planted in Him, fixed and founded in Him, being continually built up in Him...' Colossians 2:7
he talked about a type of native tree in New Zealand which grows up out of the rock. it's roots spread out across the rock, and as more trees grow, all of their roots become intertwined, allowing them to grow strong and be held in place on and in the rock. however sometimes there are not enough roots that grow deep into the rock, and so with the weight of the many intertwined trees, as they grow, they eventually fall into the water because their roots were not deep enough in the rock to hold them up.
and so it is with us. we are made to grow together, to help each other to grow deep, to hold each other up; closer to the Rock. but if our roots aren't strong enough in the Rock, our strength in the others who hold us up is not enough- and we fall off.
what a joy to be a tree growing on the Rock, alongside brothers and sisters as we grow alongside one another; supporting each other so we can grow together, with our roots deeper in the Rock. it doesn't matter who we are, where we come from, we are all necessary in making the network, our family, stronger; as we strive to dig down deeper in the ROCK which holds us secure.
beautiful.
'have the roots of your being firmly and deeply planted in Him, fixed and founded in Him, being continually built up in Him...' Colossians 2:7
Saturday, November 6, 2010
what I learn and keep learning...
I am living in a place where there are so many different kinds of people, projects and plans in place in order to care for people and communities. There are seemingly endless problems, pain, and hurts in people around me. And the approaches and way people think and take action in order to address these needs is quite different too. Everyone has an opinion on what is the “best” way to make a difference.
It is worth the time to learn the local language, or are you better off getting to work in an office and work on broader policy issues? Do you live amongst the nationals in the country, or do you stay in an expat community? Do you start by addressing the material needs of the poor or help people to help themselves? Look toward children, the future of the country? Girls or boys? Young or old? Address health needs only, or spiritual needs, too? Can you do both? What about teaching English? Is there an empowering way to love the woman who is poor and can’t read, but knows a lot more than I do about how to be a good mother…? What is the best way to teach someone in a very different context without being patronizing? How important is the clothing you wear or where you live?
Ultimately, the question feels to me like, “am I doing a good job?” Sometimes it sure doesn’t feel like it. All I want to do, really, is love God and love people. But there are so many details- and where to begin to know how to answer all the questions that will never go away?
But over the past month or so, my Father has been speaking to me on all of this…
Don’t worry about how overwhelming the big picture looks. Don’t worry about what others do. Don’t worry if it doesn’t make sense, or it seems wrong. Don’t judge their efforts; it isn’t up to you, and it isn’t your job. Don’t worry about what they think of you. Don’t worry if your journey looks different. The opinions of the world don’t matter- Look to Me. Look to Me. Look to Me. When you follow hard after Me, you won’t have time to worry or think about these things; it is Me alone that matters. I will show you the way to move forward. I will never leave you. I love you. I look on you with so much love and grace. I know your heart. Only in clinging to Me and following Me will you have peace and not fear the road and journey of unknowns that lie ahead.
It is worth the time to learn the local language, or are you better off getting to work in an office and work on broader policy issues? Do you live amongst the nationals in the country, or do you stay in an expat community? Do you start by addressing the material needs of the poor or help people to help themselves? Look toward children, the future of the country? Girls or boys? Young or old? Address health needs only, or spiritual needs, too? Can you do both? What about teaching English? Is there an empowering way to love the woman who is poor and can’t read, but knows a lot more than I do about how to be a good mother…? What is the best way to teach someone in a very different context without being patronizing? How important is the clothing you wear or where you live?
Ultimately, the question feels to me like, “am I doing a good job?” Sometimes it sure doesn’t feel like it. All I want to do, really, is love God and love people. But there are so many details- and where to begin to know how to answer all the questions that will never go away?
But over the past month or so, my Father has been speaking to me on all of this…
Don’t worry about how overwhelming the big picture looks. Don’t worry about what others do. Don’t worry if it doesn’t make sense, or it seems wrong. Don’t judge their efforts; it isn’t up to you, and it isn’t your job. Don’t worry about what they think of you. Don’t worry if your journey looks different. The opinions of the world don’t matter- Look to Me. Look to Me. Look to Me. When you follow hard after Me, you won’t have time to worry or think about these things; it is Me alone that matters. I will show you the way to move forward. I will never leave you. I love you. I look on you with so much love and grace. I know your heart. Only in clinging to Me and following Me will you have peace and not fear the road and journey of unknowns that lie ahead.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Sunday school
The highlight of yesterday was this: I got to walk five blocks to church holding the hands of my three little neighbors!
Whenever I leave my house, I have about four or five kids waiting around my gate, or if not- quick to run over and jump into my arms as soon as one of them spots me and yells my name. We have had some fun times together in the past few months; reading books, playing games, coloring, and even baking cookies. Each time I leave, they want to know where I am going (a popular question amongst any Cambodian!) It struck me last week that when I told them I was going to church, I could actually take them with me. There is a really large Khmer church in my neighborhood, and it just so happens to have a Sunday school program and all. When I inquired with some of the church staff if I could bring my neighbors, they said 'of course' and went on to tell me that each weekend they average about 300+ kids! wow!
So when I came home last week, I mentioned to them that if they asked their parents they could come with me next week if they wanted. I wasn't even sure if they would want to, but I had a good guess. For the last week, they have been reminding me, "don't forget about Sunday..."
When I got home Saturday night, they asked again about the morning. They assured me they asked their grandma, and so I asked if I could meet her to ask, too. Sure enough, she walked over and met me with a smile, and said it was no problem for them to go with me. (yeah, Cambodia is different in this way; we had indeed just met for the first time!)
Before we said goodnight, the oldest girl asked me, "do they speak English there? because I don't understand English.... Are the other kids there Khmer?" I was so happy to be able to assure her that the other kids there were Cambodians, too... and no, they won't speak in English, don't worry....
When I came downstairs Sunday morning, the kids squealed as they saw me. "We're going to church today!" they were singing and chanting. We walked to church, I checked them in at Sunday school, and promised them I would be back a few hours later to pick them up. Although they are not a bit shy, they definitely were a bit quieter, as they looked around the new room. When I left them to attend the service downstairs, I felt like a mom on my child's first day of kindergarden; worrying if they would have a good time, if anyone would talk to them, if they would ever want to go back. I just really wanted them to have a good experience and have fun.
It was such a joy for me to drop them off at a program completely planned and put on by other Cambodians. For kids who have never heard about Jesus, looking around and seeing others just like them is quite a bit different than hearing about Jesus from someone from a different country and culture. This church is a glimpse for me of what is to come in this country, young people leading one another to New Life in Jesus-- and forward into the next generation! Yay!
The kids did indeed have a great time-- and are already asking about next week! One of the other parents has already asked if his son can come too. Yes. Yes. Yes!
Please join me in prayer for these kids and their families. I completely believe God can do mighty things in and through these three siblings. May we not underestimate the power of His word in the hearts of children.
'But Jesus said, “Let the children come to me. Don’t stop them! For the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to those who are like these children.”' Matthew 19:14
Sunday, October 24, 2010
house of love
"How can we live in the midst of a world marked by fear, hatred, and violence, and not be destroyed by it? When Jesus prays to his Father for his disciples he responds to this question by saying,
'I am not asking you to remove them from the world, but to protect them from the evil one. They do not belong to the world any more than I belong to the world.' John 17:15-16
To live in this world without belonging to the world summarizes the essence of the spiritual life. The spiritual life keeps us aware that our true house is not the house of fear, in which the powers of hatred and violence rule, but the house of love, where God resides. Hardly a day passes in our lives without our experience of inner and outer fears, anxieties, apprehensions, and preoccupations. These dark powers have pervaded every part of our world to such a degree that we can never fully escape them. Still it is possible not to belong to these powers, not to build our dwelling place among them, but to choose the house of love as our home. The choice is not made just once and for all, but by living a spiritual life; praying at all times and breathing God's breath. Through the spiritual life we gradually move from the house of fear to the house of love."
Henri Nouwen, Behold the Beauty of the Lord
'I am not asking you to remove them from the world, but to protect them from the evil one. They do not belong to the world any more than I belong to the world.' John 17:15-16
To live in this world without belonging to the world summarizes the essence of the spiritual life. The spiritual life keeps us aware that our true house is not the house of fear, in which the powers of hatred and violence rule, but the house of love, where God resides. Hardly a day passes in our lives without our experience of inner and outer fears, anxieties, apprehensions, and preoccupations. These dark powers have pervaded every part of our world to such a degree that we can never fully escape them. Still it is possible not to belong to these powers, not to build our dwelling place among them, but to choose the house of love as our home. The choice is not made just once and for all, but by living a spiritual life; praying at all times and breathing God's breath. Through the spiritual life we gradually move from the house of fear to the house of love."
Henri Nouwen, Behold the Beauty of the Lord
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Is it SAFE?
A friend passed this video on to me yesterday. I smile because while this may be a humorous little clip, in all seriousness, these issues of "safety" are the basis for questions I have heard all too often. What does Jesus say about being "safe"?
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
adventures in reading...again.
When I was in kindergarten, I remember being really excited to go to the school library for the first time. I found a book with all text and no pictures and proceeded to go to the librarian to check it out. She was a soft-spoken elderly woman, who questioned me when she took one look at the book. Why would I want to check out a book with no pictures and a whole lot of tiny words under a plain black hard cover when I was 5 years old and couldn’t even read?
I remember wanting to check out this book because I wanted so badly to learn to read. I didn’t want to go through the stage of the beginning learner; where I would have to read a picture book with only a word or two on each page. I wanted to be able to read for real! And I wanted to appear smart. Maybe if I pulled out the book on the school bus and stared at it long enough I might learn something? Or I might at least look like I knew something?
She did allow me to check out the book, even though I’m sure she was laughing on the inside as she watched me proudly walk away with my new “I look smart now” book. I also remember looking at the book a few days later and admitting that it really wasn’t very interesting; and I would have been better off with the books that my friends had- brightly colored children’s books which were appropriate for my age level.
So, I suppose I have grown up and matured since then…??
Learning to read and write my second language, I really didn’t ever want to get above my head. I wanted to be challenged, and I really wanted to learn, but I didn’t want to appear that I knew more than I did. (Perhaps I have gone in the other direction?!)
So I have been working hard, and waiting patiently.
Can you read?
Well, not really.
A little…
Today I bought my first ‘real’ dictionary. Because I had a simple one but I actually needed to know more words than I could find in it. And because I can actually use the words, write them, and even read some of them! And yesterday I bought my first Bible in Khmer, too. Maybe it’s cheating a little because each page is half in English. But that is where I am at. And yes, realistically I will not really be reading it (as one reads a book) anytime soon. But because I found myself stealing my friend’s Bible over and over to look up references or to copy a verse or two, I figured perhaps it was time to get my own.
It’s funny to me that now it seems a little scary to me—these two “grown up” book purchases. I am intimidated a little. I feel like I should really know something if I need to use them. (and do I, really?!) Yikes. But I have to admit, it is fun!
I remember wanting to check out this book because I wanted so badly to learn to read. I didn’t want to go through the stage of the beginning learner; where I would have to read a picture book with only a word or two on each page. I wanted to be able to read for real! And I wanted to appear smart. Maybe if I pulled out the book on the school bus and stared at it long enough I might learn something? Or I might at least look like I knew something?
She did allow me to check out the book, even though I’m sure she was laughing on the inside as she watched me proudly walk away with my new “I look smart now” book. I also remember looking at the book a few days later and admitting that it really wasn’t very interesting; and I would have been better off with the books that my friends had- brightly colored children’s books which were appropriate for my age level.
So, I suppose I have grown up and matured since then…??
Learning to read and write my second language, I really didn’t ever want to get above my head. I wanted to be challenged, and I really wanted to learn, but I didn’t want to appear that I knew more than I did. (Perhaps I have gone in the other direction?!)
So I have been working hard, and waiting patiently.
Can you read?
Well, not really.
A little…
Today I bought my first ‘real’ dictionary. Because I had a simple one but I actually needed to know more words than I could find in it. And because I can actually use the words, write them, and even read some of them! And yesterday I bought my first Bible in Khmer, too. Maybe it’s cheating a little because each page is half in English. But that is where I am at. And yes, realistically I will not really be reading it (as one reads a book) anytime soon. But because I found myself stealing my friend’s Bible over and over to look up references or to copy a verse or two, I figured perhaps it was time to get my own.
It’s funny to me that now it seems a little scary to me—these two “grown up” book purchases. I am intimidated a little. I feel like I should really know something if I need to use them. (and do I, really?!) Yikes. But I have to admit, it is fun!
Sunday, September 19, 2010
water of life
'He lifts the poor from the dust
and the needy from the garbage dump.
He sets them among princes,
even the princes of his own people!
He gives the childless woman a family,
making her a happy mother.' Psalm 113:7-9
When I arrived in Phnom Penh to study Khmer at the university a few months ago, I asked a doctor at a local clinic if there was anything I could do there to help out. At this particular clinic, there were plenty of Cambodian nurses, so it wasn't clear where I would fit in. We agreed to stay in touch. Meanwhile, I ran into another nurse I know from Denmark, who invited me to come along with her to see the clinic that she works at outside of Phnom Penh-- built on the grounds of the former garbage dump. It is called the Water of Life clinic, and it provides care to pre and post natal mothers and babies... (and their older siblings, of course!) I really enjoyed the time with her, and couldn't believe how busy she was that Saturday morning! The two of us had one room, where we did 'baby checks' on newborn babies as well as older babies and a few older children, too. Some of the newborns were being seen for the first time; many had been born in their makeshift houses, most likely on a dirty bed.
Sometimes the women would have Cambodian midwives in attendance, if they could come up with the $5 it costs to hire one. This is of course encouraged by the clinic staff, although for many of the woman this is simply beyond what they can afford. So they have their babies at home with perhaps only a sister, mother, or husband in attendance. After holding these seemingly perfect babies in my arms the first day, it was not these differences I thought about. All I thought about was just how similar we all are. These mothers loved and wanted the best for their babies; and they did the best they could to care for them. What a privilege it was to be the first health care provider to hold them and listen to their little lungs and hearts and deem them healthy!
The other nurse I was working with was on her way back to Denmark for a few months the following day. 'So, who looks at the babies while you are away?" I asked her. "Yeah, I don't know yet..." she said. The midwives, who were in the room next to us, were doing simple ultrasounds and health checks on pregnant woman, as well as checking up on the women who had recently delivered. There were more than busy seeing just the woman alone. I couldn't imagine if these 5 or 6 volunteers were looking after the woman AND the children. I quickly volunteered to come out every Saturday that I could. I didn't really feel like I was qualified or knew what I was doing, but I also knew that I never really would. I just had to start, and this was an obvious need and opportunity.
Since that first Saturday, I have returned every week. It continues to be a highlight of each weekend. Honestly, I love it, but it is a challenge, too. Yesterday I finished exhausted. It was hot and the line of people to be seen never seemed to end. I was tired. But it is truly a gift to be able to hold these babies and give simple advise and ideas to their mothers. We get to share with them knowledge and encouragement-- "Being a mother is hard.... but hang in there, you are doing a great job!" The little things, like providing tylenol for headaches and fevers, cream for itchy dry skin, and clean water to drink while waiting-- they all make a difference. Some of the mothers have been helped to start a simple business in order to support their children. Some don't even have a towel to wrap their baby in; and we get to share these kinds of practical things with them. I love it. There are also four young Cambodian women studying to be midwives that are the future of this clinic. It is a joy to work alongside them, watch them love and care for their neighbors, and encourage them as they work hard in this process, too.
Praising God for the tangible way I get to be a part of "lifting the needy from the garbage dump..."
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Sunday, August 29, 2010
M & A
Alyssa reminded me before she left that she reads my blog but I have gotten behind, and I should really post something soon… So here it is; a shout out to the greatest short term interns to have graced Poipet with your presence!
I met Mitch and Alyssa the first day I got to Cambodia, about 5 months ago. They had already been in Poipet for over a month, and I was immediately impressed by their easy-going nature, flexibility and kindness. From my observation, they had obviously jumped in head first into the many unknowns of living in Cambodia. They seemed quite comfortable and content in what I found, frankly, to be a difficult place to live. I liked them immediately.
Over the past five months, we experienced many things as we “did life” in Cambodia together. Mice, dust, noise, lacking communication skills, no hot showers, ;) and getting sick, too— but these were no match for the things God had in mind when He called us to this obscure corner of Cambodia for this season…
I was able to spend some time with M&A in Phnom Penh this past week before they returned to Australia. We had some great morning conversations over coffee, and I loved hearing their hearts overflowing with praise to God for His faithfulness to them in this time (which in their opinion, was not nearly enough!) I found myself remembering how I felt when I left Cambodia after six months- going originally thinking that it was a long time to be away; and returning home feeling like it was no where near enough time!
Most of all, though—I was incredibly encouraged by their faith and trust in God. They came to Cambodia thinking they had “no practical skills” to offer. They quit their jobs and left their lives because they trusted God, even though it didn’t necessarily make sense. They left yesterday for Australia knowing and understanding that He had brought them here with a specific plan. They left a community of Cambodians who deeply love them and have been changed and encouraged by their smiles and selfless service. Yet they were bursting with thanksgiving for all God has given to them!
All He needed was their trust. And they chose to trust. And now there are many (including me!) whom God has touched because of their obedience.
We chatted about how we wish we could really (really!) communicate to those around us about God’s faithfulness in this way. It might be difficult. You might face persecution. It might not make any sense at all. But when He shows you something and asks you to follow, do it! Ultimately there is no disappointment found walking where Jesus leads.
“Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think.” Ephesians 3:20
I met Mitch and Alyssa the first day I got to Cambodia, about 5 months ago. They had already been in Poipet for over a month, and I was immediately impressed by their easy-going nature, flexibility and kindness. From my observation, they had obviously jumped in head first into the many unknowns of living in Cambodia. They seemed quite comfortable and content in what I found, frankly, to be a difficult place to live. I liked them immediately.
Over the past five months, we experienced many things as we “did life” in Cambodia together. Mice, dust, noise, lacking communication skills, no hot showers, ;) and getting sick, too— but these were no match for the things God had in mind when He called us to this obscure corner of Cambodia for this season…
I was able to spend some time with M&A in Phnom Penh this past week before they returned to Australia. We had some great morning conversations over coffee, and I loved hearing their hearts overflowing with praise to God for His faithfulness to them in this time (which in their opinion, was not nearly enough!) I found myself remembering how I felt when I left Cambodia after six months- going originally thinking that it was a long time to be away; and returning home feeling like it was no where near enough time!
Most of all, though—I was incredibly encouraged by their faith and trust in God. They came to Cambodia thinking they had “no practical skills” to offer. They quit their jobs and left their lives because they trusted God, even though it didn’t necessarily make sense. They left yesterday for Australia knowing and understanding that He had brought them here with a specific plan. They left a community of Cambodians who deeply love them and have been changed and encouraged by their smiles and selfless service. Yet they were bursting with thanksgiving for all God has given to them!
All He needed was their trust. And they chose to trust. And now there are many (including me!) whom God has touched because of their obedience.
We chatted about how we wish we could really (really!) communicate to those around us about God’s faithfulness in this way. It might be difficult. You might face persecution. It might not make any sense at all. But when He shows you something and asks you to follow, do it! Ultimately there is no disappointment found walking where Jesus leads.
“Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think.” Ephesians 3:20
Sunday, August 1, 2010
do. BE.
This is one of the more vulnerable blog posts I have written. It’s natural to write, but feels a little strange to post. But I want to be transparent and honest; because I think it is important to be real. I am overjoyed to be here, but it isn’t easy. I want to make it known that I am nothing without God my Savior. And I want to share my heart because I believe that He can use my story.
Today on a cloudy, rainy afternoon it hit me; I have been wrestling with some questions and ideas that I never even realized I was asking- and today, there they were. I didn’t even realize I had so much going on in my head until I found myself spilling all sorts of thoughts and feelings today in a conversation with a friend.
Leaving a western culture a few months back, I also left behind a lot of western ways of life. But the patterns of thinking and ways of being that go along with that aren’t so easy to leave behind. The importance of what we “do” is one of the first things we identify about ourselves when we talk to others. It’s one of the first questions we ask a stranger after we exchange names. This importance of what we “do” is ingrained in our minds, and we unknowingly allow it to become our identity and what determines our value and our worth.
Not so long ago, I was a “professional.” I had an amazing job, and I really liked it. I felt comfortable in it; and felt like what I did made a difference. I wouldn’t say that too much of my identity was wrapped up in my job—yet it was a job and a title I was proud of. And then, by coming here- I gave it up. I remember the day God spoke to me in that. “This job is a good fit for you. You are good at it. But give it up for now, and trust Me in doing something else.”
Ok God, here I am. I do totally trust you.
I am confident in my being in this space, in this country, at this time. I feel peace in it. I feel completely confident that God has put me here and honestly there isn’t anywhere else that I would rather be.
Yet this peace and confidence doesn’t mean I understand the day to day. I don’t know what God wants to do with me here. I wish there was a way to articulate and communicate how unbelievably humbling (and to me almost ridiculous!) it is for me to be in this country. I completely believe that God has called us to “go and make disciples of all nations” and agree that we are God’s plan to have every tribe and people come to know Him—and this includes us going to the “ends of the earth” to share this GOOD news with all people (Matthew 28:19). I believe it. I have seen how God uses people to love and touch and change other people. Of course He does! But let me tell you, it sure feels different when it is personal! It’s not that I am unwilling; I obviously am willing. But ME?! I am so ordinary. I have nothing, really, to offer. Surely someone else would probably do a better job?? Yes, God, I am here! I am willing—but why would you want to use me?!
It has been such an unbelievable reminder to me how much this is about HIM—and has nothing to do with me! He doesn’t NEED us to do his work. He is God! He can reveal Himself to people in any way He wants to, and why He would choose to use us; his sinful, messy children, is beyond me. But He does! And I can’t get over the privilege it is. But honestly, I am realizing how much we justify ourselves for this task—attempting to make ourselves worthy or fit to do His work and to share His story. But who are we kidding? We have NOTHING without His grace.
And this is what He is telling me.
“Just be you. Do what I tell you to do, but don’t worry if it doesn’t seem to make sense. I know you feel you have nothing; that is ok. Just look to Me, just follow Me.“
“We have this LIGHT shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves. So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we can see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever. My GRACE is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” 2 Corinthians 4:7, 18; 12:9
I know these truths and promises of God, and I believe them. Yet if I am honest, I will tell you that I have some days where I feel useless; my existence in this country so hard to understand. I do still ask God to show me why I am here in light of what I will be "doing.." God, you say my presence here matters… but I still don’t understand why.
And so what do I “do”? Sometimes I go for runs in the mornings. Sometimes I drink coffee at a local café and study Khmer (and make the servers laugh when I ask them questions…) I show up to class everyday at 4pm. I try to love people and be kind to my neighbors. Sometimes I am able to speak clearly and communicate well, and sometimes I am not. I hug kids whenever I get a chance. I pray. I cry. I wash the floor, wash the dishes, and wash my feet nearly 10 times every day….Sometimes it is mundane. And sometimes it is beautiful and I feel so lucky.
Yes, God. I hear you. You say that my being here is important; and I choose to believe even when I don’t understand it most of the time. I will put away my pride in the moments where I feel useless. I am so much more of a child than an adult in this place. But you tell me that is ok. You tell me it is ok to just be. I have a long way to go, but I am starting to understand how to rejoice in that truth.
“…but this happened that we might not rely on ourselves, but on God, who raises the dead.” 2 Corinthians 1:9
“You're here to be light, bringing out the God-colors in the world. God is not a secret to be kept. We're going public with this, as public as a city on a hill. If I make you light-bearers, you don't think I'm going to hide you under a bucket, do you? I'm putting you on a light stand. Now that I've put you there on a hilltop, on a light stand—shine! Keep open house; be generous with your lives. By opening up to others, you'll prompt people to open up with God, this generous Father in heaven.” Matthew 5:14-16, The Message
“The members of the council were amazed when they saw the boldness of Peter and John, for they could see that they were ordinary men with no special training in the Scriptures. They also recognized them as men who had been with Jesus.” Acts 4:13
Today on a cloudy, rainy afternoon it hit me; I have been wrestling with some questions and ideas that I never even realized I was asking- and today, there they were. I didn’t even realize I had so much going on in my head until I found myself spilling all sorts of thoughts and feelings today in a conversation with a friend.
Leaving a western culture a few months back, I also left behind a lot of western ways of life. But the patterns of thinking and ways of being that go along with that aren’t so easy to leave behind. The importance of what we “do” is one of the first things we identify about ourselves when we talk to others. It’s one of the first questions we ask a stranger after we exchange names. This importance of what we “do” is ingrained in our minds, and we unknowingly allow it to become our identity and what determines our value and our worth.
Not so long ago, I was a “professional.” I had an amazing job, and I really liked it. I felt comfortable in it; and felt like what I did made a difference. I wouldn’t say that too much of my identity was wrapped up in my job—yet it was a job and a title I was proud of. And then, by coming here- I gave it up. I remember the day God spoke to me in that. “This job is a good fit for you. You are good at it. But give it up for now, and trust Me in doing something else.”
Ok God, here I am. I do totally trust you.
I am confident in my being in this space, in this country, at this time. I feel peace in it. I feel completely confident that God has put me here and honestly there isn’t anywhere else that I would rather be.
Yet this peace and confidence doesn’t mean I understand the day to day. I don’t know what God wants to do with me here. I wish there was a way to articulate and communicate how unbelievably humbling (and to me almost ridiculous!) it is for me to be in this country. I completely believe that God has called us to “go and make disciples of all nations” and agree that we are God’s plan to have every tribe and people come to know Him—and this includes us going to the “ends of the earth” to share this GOOD news with all people (Matthew 28:19). I believe it. I have seen how God uses people to love and touch and change other people. Of course He does! But let me tell you, it sure feels different when it is personal! It’s not that I am unwilling; I obviously am willing. But ME?! I am so ordinary. I have nothing, really, to offer. Surely someone else would probably do a better job?? Yes, God, I am here! I am willing—but why would you want to use me?!
It has been such an unbelievable reminder to me how much this is about HIM—and has nothing to do with me! He doesn’t NEED us to do his work. He is God! He can reveal Himself to people in any way He wants to, and why He would choose to use us; his sinful, messy children, is beyond me. But He does! And I can’t get over the privilege it is. But honestly, I am realizing how much we justify ourselves for this task—attempting to make ourselves worthy or fit to do His work and to share His story. But who are we kidding? We have NOTHING without His grace.
And this is what He is telling me.
“Just be you. Do what I tell you to do, but don’t worry if it doesn’t seem to make sense. I know you feel you have nothing; that is ok. Just look to Me, just follow Me.“
“We have this LIGHT shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves. So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we can see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever. My GRACE is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” 2 Corinthians 4:7, 18; 12:9
I know these truths and promises of God, and I believe them. Yet if I am honest, I will tell you that I have some days where I feel useless; my existence in this country so hard to understand. I do still ask God to show me why I am here in light of what I will be "doing.." God, you say my presence here matters… but I still don’t understand why.
And so what do I “do”? Sometimes I go for runs in the mornings. Sometimes I drink coffee at a local café and study Khmer (and make the servers laugh when I ask them questions…) I show up to class everyday at 4pm. I try to love people and be kind to my neighbors. Sometimes I am able to speak clearly and communicate well, and sometimes I am not. I hug kids whenever I get a chance. I pray. I cry. I wash the floor, wash the dishes, and wash my feet nearly 10 times every day….Sometimes it is mundane. And sometimes it is beautiful and I feel so lucky.
Yes, God. I hear you. You say that my being here is important; and I choose to believe even when I don’t understand it most of the time. I will put away my pride in the moments where I feel useless. I am so much more of a child than an adult in this place. But you tell me that is ok. You tell me it is ok to just be. I have a long way to go, but I am starting to understand how to rejoice in that truth.
“…but this happened that we might not rely on ourselves, but on God, who raises the dead.” 2 Corinthians 1:9
“You're here to be light, bringing out the God-colors in the world. God is not a secret to be kept. We're going public with this, as public as a city on a hill. If I make you light-bearers, you don't think I'm going to hide you under a bucket, do you? I'm putting you on a light stand. Now that I've put you there on a hilltop, on a light stand—shine! Keep open house; be generous with your lives. By opening up to others, you'll prompt people to open up with God, this generous Father in heaven.” Matthew 5:14-16, The Message
“The members of the council were amazed when they saw the boldness of Peter and John, for they could see that they were ordinary men with no special training in the Scriptures. They also recognized them as men who had been with Jesus.” Acts 4:13
Saturday, July 31, 2010
refuse to despair
"We lift our eyes to the horizon and ask, what great work of JUSTICE might God perform through us, in our time, to the glory of Christ? How might God renew through us the witness for biblical justice in the world? What child...might yet stand and testify that the hand of a faithful God touched them and loved them through the obedience of Christians who refused to despair?"
-G. Haugen, founder, IJM
-G. Haugen, founder, IJM
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
I watched two documentaries tonight; shown at a local open air media/film gallery here in Phnom Penh. Tonight's films fell under a title something like; 'Gendered Lens; An Insiders Look into Cambodia's Virginity Trade.'
And now I can't sleep. Nothing I heard tonight was new information to me; yet each time I am reminded I feel like someone punched me and my heart breaks again. Literally, as I type this a girl in my city is being raped. For the first time. For the hundredth time.
Poverty. Ignorance. Confusion. Helplessness. Powerlessness. Lack of self worth. Abuse of power. Pornography. Lies.
All drive this issue. My heart cries.
I want and NEED to be more prayerful.How can I live in this city, in the midst of this and not be literally crying out to God on behalf of these girls?
Right now I don't know what else to do, but until God tells me I will pray...
And now I can't sleep. Nothing I heard tonight was new information to me; yet each time I am reminded I feel like someone punched me and my heart breaks again. Literally, as I type this a girl in my city is being raped. For the first time. For the hundredth time.
Poverty. Ignorance. Confusion. Helplessness. Powerlessness. Lack of self worth. Abuse of power. Pornography. Lies.
All drive this issue. My heart cries.
I want and NEED to be more prayerful.How can I live in this city, in the midst of this and not be literally crying out to God on behalf of these girls?
Right now I don't know what else to do, but until God tells me I will pray...
Monday, July 26, 2010
Saturday, July 3, 2010
God shows up
’The Lord is king, let the earth rejoice! Let the farthest coastlands be glad. Righteousness and justice are the foundation of his throne. …the earth sees and trembles, the mountains melt like wax before the Lord. before the Lord of ALL THE EARTH…The heavens proclaim his righteousness; EVERY NATION sees his glory. Those who worship idols are disgraced—for every god must bow to Him. Jerusalem has heard and rejoiced, and all the towns of Judah are glad because of your justice, O Lord! For you, O Lord, are supreme over ALL THE EARTH; you are exulted far above all gods…’ psalm 97
In this land filled with so many obvious signs of need, pain, and clear worship of other gods on every corner, I ran down the sidewalks this morning singing these words in my head and aloud. I passed monks, security guards, trash, and pagodas; and praised the God of the universe that He came to live amongst us in this broken world. I praised Him because I am so overjoyed to see the world through the lens of this city and this place. It is so obvious to me that He IS the God of ALL the earth, and as I SEE and HEAR of how He is transforming the lives of people here, I can barely contain my joy- He asked ME to live here—and in turn I get to witness this transformation before my eyes.
Today I was asked, “you have mentioned that ‘God shows up.’ What does that mean exactly?’ Does it mean God hasn't shown up if He doesn't answer our prayers or respond in the way we have asked or would like to see? I said, “God shows up when I have something I can put my finger on that reminds me that He is HERE; that He IS the God of the universe." It may be simple, or may be more profound. Today it was this- a simple song, a city full of people who call upon other gods, and the words of Psalm 97.
So may the mountains melt like wax in Cambodia. May we see and tremble because Jesus is King. I want to see in more and more ways that He is supreme over ALL the earth; and truly, He is exulted above every other god of this country. Today He reminded me; ‘I AM.’ He showed up.
Atoning sacrifice
Keeper of this life
Hallelujah You are Savior
Beginning and the end
Forgiver of my sin
By Your mercy
You have saved us
Jesus You are stronger
More than any other
Hallelujah what a Savior
Jesus You are higher
My soul’s deepest desire
Hallelujah what a Savior
You are the shepherd King
You lead us by still waters
Hallelujah You are Savior
You are my only hope
Your kindness is my friend
In Your presence You restore us
You are the way the truth and the life
You are my joy and salvation
Stood in my place taking my shame
Jesus You are stronger
More than any other
Hallelujah what a Savior
(What a Savior, performed here by Laura Story)
In this land filled with so many obvious signs of need, pain, and clear worship of other gods on every corner, I ran down the sidewalks this morning singing these words in my head and aloud. I passed monks, security guards, trash, and pagodas; and praised the God of the universe that He came to live amongst us in this broken world. I praised Him because I am so overjoyed to see the world through the lens of this city and this place. It is so obvious to me that He IS the God of ALL the earth, and as I SEE and HEAR of how He is transforming the lives of people here, I can barely contain my joy- He asked ME to live here—and in turn I get to witness this transformation before my eyes.
Today I was asked, “you have mentioned that ‘God shows up.’ What does that mean exactly?’ Does it mean God hasn't shown up if He doesn't answer our prayers or respond in the way we have asked or would like to see? I said, “God shows up when I have something I can put my finger on that reminds me that He is HERE; that He IS the God of the universe." It may be simple, or may be more profound. Today it was this- a simple song, a city full of people who call upon other gods, and the words of Psalm 97.
So may the mountains melt like wax in Cambodia. May we see and tremble because Jesus is King. I want to see in more and more ways that He is supreme over ALL the earth; and truly, He is exulted above every other god of this country. Today He reminded me; ‘I AM.’ He showed up.
Atoning sacrifice
Keeper of this life
Hallelujah You are Savior
Beginning and the end
Forgiver of my sin
By Your mercy
You have saved us
Jesus You are stronger
More than any other
Hallelujah what a Savior
Jesus You are higher
My soul’s deepest desire
Hallelujah what a Savior
You are the shepherd King
You lead us by still waters
Hallelujah You are Savior
You are my only hope
Your kindness is my friend
In Your presence You restore us
You are the way the truth and the life
You are my joy and salvation
Stood in my place taking my shame
Jesus You are stronger
More than any other
Hallelujah what a Savior
(What a Savior, performed here by Laura Story)
Friday, June 25, 2010
running the race (a high!)
Last night I got a text from a friend asking my high and low of the day. When I thought about it, I honestly couldn’t believe the first thing that came to mind. High: Language?! But it was true!
I took a language acquisition class before I left, and I remember reading something under the ‘motivation/morale/encouragement’ section that struck me.
“I AM… ” (learning!)
Two weeks ago, I would not have understood what was just said to me. Now I do; so I must be learning. Sometimes I don’t feel that I am, but then I get breakthroughs that help me to realize that indeed I am.”
It was the truth. I had some ‘breakthrough’ moments yesterday. I often wonder what the heck I am doing even attempting to learn. I recognize the value, I WANT to learn; it just seems like it is something for “smart people” to do; like it is beyond my ability. Sometimes it just seems absurd to start from such a simple place; learning things like each letter and sound (and then discovering each one of the 33 consenents/23 vowels has a variety of different sounds!) Sometimes I wonder if I will ever actually “get it.” But then there are days like today, I remember that although I must start from the beginning, slowly but surely, progress is made.
It still feels like really tiny steps on a really loooong journey. But I am having fun trying. Having fun (usually) being corrected and laughed at when I say something incorrectly. Returning a blank look when I actually have no idea what question I am being asked. Saying one thing when I mean to say something entirely different. ..
Overall it DOES feel like accomplishment, though, because now I can: read many simple words. Write the whole alphabet! Recognize most vowels and consonants and their sounds on the first try ;) Add prepositions and conjunctions to my sentences! Sometimes I can even speak without thinking too much... yay!
Hebrews 12:1-2, says, ‘…let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith…’ It has been swirling in my head for a few years now without rest. I consider it a theme verse for my journey here—it really is like running a race (and the race is long!) It requires discipline and work and effort. It is a difficult but beautiful journey with ups and downs. And my favorite part; “we do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus…” Truly I would not be running this race without fixing my eyes on Jesus. So, to Him be ALL the glory for whatever successes I have in this language journey.
one of the first things I have learned to write; Hebrews 12:1-2
I took a language acquisition class before I left, and I remember reading something under the ‘motivation/morale/encouragement’ section that struck me.
“I AM… ” (learning!)
Two weeks ago, I would not have understood what was just said to me. Now I do; so I must be learning. Sometimes I don’t feel that I am, but then I get breakthroughs that help me to realize that indeed I am.”
It was the truth. I had some ‘breakthrough’ moments yesterday. I often wonder what the heck I am doing even attempting to learn. I recognize the value, I WANT to learn; it just seems like it is something for “smart people” to do; like it is beyond my ability. Sometimes it just seems absurd to start from such a simple place; learning things like each letter and sound (and then discovering each one of the 33 consenents/23 vowels has a variety of different sounds!) Sometimes I wonder if I will ever actually “get it.” But then there are days like today, I remember that although I must start from the beginning, slowly but surely, progress is made.
It still feels like really tiny steps on a really loooong journey. But I am having fun trying. Having fun (usually) being corrected and laughed at when I say something incorrectly. Returning a blank look when I actually have no idea what question I am being asked. Saying one thing when I mean to say something entirely different. ..
Overall it DOES feel like accomplishment, though, because now I can: read many simple words. Write the whole alphabet! Recognize most vowels and consonants and their sounds on the first try ;) Add prepositions and conjunctions to my sentences! Sometimes I can even speak without thinking too much... yay!
Hebrews 12:1-2, says, ‘…let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith…’ It has been swirling in my head for a few years now without rest. I consider it a theme verse for my journey here—it really is like running a race (and the race is long!) It requires discipline and work and effort. It is a difficult but beautiful journey with ups and downs. And my favorite part; “we do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus…” Truly I would not be running this race without fixing my eyes on Jesus. So, to Him be ALL the glory for whatever successes I have in this language journey.
one of the first things I have learned to write; Hebrews 12:1-2
Thursday, June 17, 2010
no school
like many children in Cambodia, this 11 year old girl doesn't currently go to school. she knows some of the alphabet, but she can't read. I am praying for an opportunity for her, and seeing what I can do to help- will you join me?
Thursday, May 13, 2010
why?
I have a secret way of knowing; many people wonder why I am here. ‘Why would you want to do that??’ ‘What are you actually doing in Cambodia, anyway?’ ‘Can’t you just serve God in the States?’ ‘I don’t know how you could give up all of the comforts of home…’ ‘Aren’t you afraid?’
Honestly, I wish I could somehow eloquently explain what life here is like and why I am here. It’s one of those things you may just need to experience for yourself to really understand. (yes, visitors are ALWAYS welcome!) To say it’s different than my life two months ago is an enormous understatement.
But the most important thing hasn’t changed. Jesus lives here, too.
And really, the reasons I am here are pretty simple.
Jesus speaks more about caring for the poor and those in need than anything else! (read that again—it’s true!!) Cambodians were created in the image of God. Most of the country is deep in need; both spiritually as well as physically. I could go on and on about this; the poverty and brokenness here is something that is perhaps beyond many peoples’ imagination. But that doesn’t change the fact that the people living in the midst of it matter to the God that created them. God’s plan was for His people to care for one another, and to share the good news of His power, grace, and forgiveness with everyone-- even to the ends of the earth! Even to places that are not ‘comfortable.’ There is a reason I have been blessed with resources, skills, and gifts. How can I not share them with people most in need?
So really, it’s not complicated. I was shown a land filled with beautiful people and lots of needs, and asked to go. And I went. And here I am!
Living life in order to be ‘comfortable’ and ‘secure’ is really not living. I am convinced that we are missing out and we don’t even realize it if that is what we are living for. What will we say, then, if God asks us to follow Him somewhere difficult? For me, there is nothing more important than obedience to the God who gave EVERYTHING in order to give me real LIFE. It isn’t always easy. Of course, I have already had some hard moments and hard days. But it is simple. He isn’t interested in what we consider a comfortable and secure life. He promises to show up- to be present. That is all I need to know.
I think this song sums it up well. (and a bonus view of Cambodia, too ;)
You live amongst the least of these
The weary and the weak
And it would be a tragedy for me to turn away
All my needs
You have supplied
When I was dead
You gave me life
How could I not
Give it away so freely?
And I will
Follow You into the homes of the broken
Follow You into the world
Meet the needs for the poor and the needy
Follow You into the world
Use my hands,
Use my feet
To make Your kingdom come
To the corners of the earth
Until your work is done
Because faith without works is dead
And on the cross, Your blood was shed
So how could we not give it away so freely?
I give all myself
I give all myself
I give all myself
To You
Follow You, Leeland
Honestly, I wish I could somehow eloquently explain what life here is like and why I am here. It’s one of those things you may just need to experience for yourself to really understand. (yes, visitors are ALWAYS welcome!) To say it’s different than my life two months ago is an enormous understatement.
But the most important thing hasn’t changed. Jesus lives here, too.
And really, the reasons I am here are pretty simple.
Jesus speaks more about caring for the poor and those in need than anything else! (read that again—it’s true!!) Cambodians were created in the image of God. Most of the country is deep in need; both spiritually as well as physically. I could go on and on about this; the poverty and brokenness here is something that is perhaps beyond many peoples’ imagination. But that doesn’t change the fact that the people living in the midst of it matter to the God that created them. God’s plan was for His people to care for one another, and to share the good news of His power, grace, and forgiveness with everyone-- even to the ends of the earth! Even to places that are not ‘comfortable.’ There is a reason I have been blessed with resources, skills, and gifts. How can I not share them with people most in need?
So really, it’s not complicated. I was shown a land filled with beautiful people and lots of needs, and asked to go. And I went. And here I am!
Living life in order to be ‘comfortable’ and ‘secure’ is really not living. I am convinced that we are missing out and we don’t even realize it if that is what we are living for. What will we say, then, if God asks us to follow Him somewhere difficult? For me, there is nothing more important than obedience to the God who gave EVERYTHING in order to give me real LIFE. It isn’t always easy. Of course, I have already had some hard moments and hard days. But it is simple. He isn’t interested in what we consider a comfortable and secure life. He promises to show up- to be present. That is all I need to know.
I think this song sums it up well. (and a bonus view of Cambodia, too ;)
You live amongst the least of these
The weary and the weak
And it would be a tragedy for me to turn away
All my needs
You have supplied
When I was dead
You gave me life
How could I not
Give it away so freely?
And I will
Follow You into the homes of the broken
Follow You into the world
Meet the needs for the poor and the needy
Follow You into the world
Use my hands,
Use my feet
To make Your kingdom come
To the corners of the earth
Until your work is done
Because faith without works is dead
And on the cross, Your blood was shed
So how could we not give it away so freely?
I give all myself
I give all myself
I give all myself
To You
Follow You, Leeland
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
discrepancy
On Monday morning I awoke with a painful right arm. I had a small bug bite there the night before, and overnight it had become hard, swollen, painful, and hot. I noticed that the other bites on my legs and ankle were more swollen, red and painful as well. As soon as I got home that day (I was traveling) I showed a few people, one being a nurse. They were quick to point me toward medical care; and quickly. I was pretty sure I would need to be seen by a doctor; yet their swift replies and concern caught me by surprise. Just because I am a nurse doesn’t necessarily mean I am good at making the right decisions about my own health.
After some back and forth and decisions to make, I realized my best option was to be seen in Phnom Penh, a 6 hour taxi ride from where I was. I wasn’t sure about when I should leave, because deciding to leave right then meant that I was potentially going to pay quite a bit more money than if I waited for transportation in the morning. It wasn’t that I didn’t have the money, I just didn’t know if it was necessary or not. I didn’t feel well at all, and it was hard for me to have people giving me all kinds of advice on what was best for me to do, and all the while feeling really uneasy because medical care was far away.
Despite feeling a little silly moving forward, I decided it best to make my way to the city as soon as possible, and to be seen that night. I had some friends, both Khmer and expats, who helped me arrange transportation, gave me a place to stay, made phone calls, traveled with me, texted and called me with encouragement and prayers.
I traveled to the city in the back of a taxi, flying through the country of Cambodia like a bat out of hell. The driver had no idea where I was going, but it almost felt like a long ambulance drive the way he sped; dodging cows, people on bikes, other cars-through the rain and darkness. But I was chilled from the air conditioner (or fever?) and too tired to think about it much.
But perhaps it was because I couldn’t get out of my mind was what I was actually in the middle of. I was sick. I needed medical care. I was living in the middle of nowhere. Yet I had resources and people who surrounded me which could make quality medical care a reality- this same day. Yes, I had to ride a long way in a car. But this seemed like nothing because at least I was going to see a doctor and be cared for.
I had to tell two Khmer friends I was sick and needed to see a doctor in Phnom Penh. This might sound normal, but it is not. I almost couldn’t speak the words without breaking down. This is NOT a reality for my friends and neighbors here. Another Khmer friend sent me a text; ‘I hope you feel better, I am praying for you.’
I can’t tell you what this feels like; what this means. I can know that I have the money or the health insurance to pay for my medical care in this place. I can know that because I have this ability, it is a smart decision to seek care when my health is in danger. But that doesn’t make it easy to do. It isn’t even as obvious as it might seem. I point out the little details above not because they are all super important, but because they further illustrate the absurdity of the difference of our situations. Do you pay extra money to travel one day verses another day, or do you have an obvious answer based on your lack of income to make a choice at all? What does it feel like to come home and not talk to your neighbors because you are sick but you don’t want to tell them because that would mean explaining what you are going to do because of it? I had thought about these things before, but I didn’t know how it felt. I still don’t know what to do with it.
I got to the International Health Clinic in Phnom Penh about 8:30pm that evening. I filled out some paperwork and was seen in about 30 minutes. A nurse made faces as he looked at my skin, and then got a little worked up over my vital signs. I was okay, but the infection had spread all over, giving me a fever in all its glory. The Cambodian doctor I saw got upset with me for not coming in sooner. “This country is NOT like your country…it is dirty and dusty and you will get very sick from this!’ He very seriously raised his voice at me.
Yes. Not helpful, but thank you… I get it. He told me that I had celluliis and gave me some medications and said I was okay to leave, as long as I came back in if anything spread or got worse. It was most likely simple enough to cure, yet is really dangerous left untreated. I left, grateful to have some answers, some medications, and a home to go to with loving people waiting for me. I am still here, ‘recovering,’ although I feel much better now. The medications are working, and I am beyond thankful.
Yet I still weep, because my health is not really the issue here. I cry on the inside and the outside for this obvious discrepancy that surrounds this situation I am in. It isn’t new. But it is still really painful. I am on the ‘have’ end when I am living amongst so many who are in need- who don’t ‘have.’ What do I do with this? What do we do with this? I wonder how Jesus looks upon our world and sees things like this every day- and how He weeps and feels that much more for each one of us. I know He loves my neighbors as much as he loves me, and desires that we all receive equal care when we are sick. I will keep asking what difference I can make while I have the privilege to live here, amongst His treasured children…
But I don’t have any answers.
So today I write, weep, and keep talking to God…
After some back and forth and decisions to make, I realized my best option was to be seen in Phnom Penh, a 6 hour taxi ride from where I was. I wasn’t sure about when I should leave, because deciding to leave right then meant that I was potentially going to pay quite a bit more money than if I waited for transportation in the morning. It wasn’t that I didn’t have the money, I just didn’t know if it was necessary or not. I didn’t feel well at all, and it was hard for me to have people giving me all kinds of advice on what was best for me to do, and all the while feeling really uneasy because medical care was far away.
Despite feeling a little silly moving forward, I decided it best to make my way to the city as soon as possible, and to be seen that night. I had some friends, both Khmer and expats, who helped me arrange transportation, gave me a place to stay, made phone calls, traveled with me, texted and called me with encouragement and prayers.
I traveled to the city in the back of a taxi, flying through the country of Cambodia like a bat out of hell. The driver had no idea where I was going, but it almost felt like a long ambulance drive the way he sped; dodging cows, people on bikes, other cars-through the rain and darkness. But I was chilled from the air conditioner (or fever?) and too tired to think about it much.
But perhaps it was because I couldn’t get out of my mind was what I was actually in the middle of. I was sick. I needed medical care. I was living in the middle of nowhere. Yet I had resources and people who surrounded me which could make quality medical care a reality- this same day. Yes, I had to ride a long way in a car. But this seemed like nothing because at least I was going to see a doctor and be cared for.
I had to tell two Khmer friends I was sick and needed to see a doctor in Phnom Penh. This might sound normal, but it is not. I almost couldn’t speak the words without breaking down. This is NOT a reality for my friends and neighbors here. Another Khmer friend sent me a text; ‘I hope you feel better, I am praying for you.’
I can’t tell you what this feels like; what this means. I can know that I have the money or the health insurance to pay for my medical care in this place. I can know that because I have this ability, it is a smart decision to seek care when my health is in danger. But that doesn’t make it easy to do. It isn’t even as obvious as it might seem. I point out the little details above not because they are all super important, but because they further illustrate the absurdity of the difference of our situations. Do you pay extra money to travel one day verses another day, or do you have an obvious answer based on your lack of income to make a choice at all? What does it feel like to come home and not talk to your neighbors because you are sick but you don’t want to tell them because that would mean explaining what you are going to do because of it? I had thought about these things before, but I didn’t know how it felt. I still don’t know what to do with it.
I got to the International Health Clinic in Phnom Penh about 8:30pm that evening. I filled out some paperwork and was seen in about 30 minutes. A nurse made faces as he looked at my skin, and then got a little worked up over my vital signs. I was okay, but the infection had spread all over, giving me a fever in all its glory. The Cambodian doctor I saw got upset with me for not coming in sooner. “This country is NOT like your country…it is dirty and dusty and you will get very sick from this!’ He very seriously raised his voice at me.
Yes. Not helpful, but thank you… I get it. He told me that I had celluliis and gave me some medications and said I was okay to leave, as long as I came back in if anything spread or got worse. It was most likely simple enough to cure, yet is really dangerous left untreated. I left, grateful to have some answers, some medications, and a home to go to with loving people waiting for me. I am still here, ‘recovering,’ although I feel much better now. The medications are working, and I am beyond thankful.
Yet I still weep, because my health is not really the issue here. I cry on the inside and the outside for this obvious discrepancy that surrounds this situation I am in. It isn’t new. But it is still really painful. I am on the ‘have’ end when I am living amongst so many who are in need- who don’t ‘have.’ What do I do with this? What do we do with this? I wonder how Jesus looks upon our world and sees things like this every day- and how He weeps and feels that much more for each one of us. I know He loves my neighbors as much as he loves me, and desires that we all receive equal care when we are sick. I will keep asking what difference I can make while I have the privilege to live here, amongst His treasured children…
But I don’t have any answers.
So today I write, weep, and keep talking to God…
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
sharing bread
This morning I awoke at 5:20 to the monks chanting. I wasn’t planning to exercise, but since I was awake anyway, I figured I would. I didn’t feel like running, so I decided to go for a bike ride. The idea to buy some bread from a street seller also occurred to me, which made it even more tempting to get out of bed! I tucked some money in my pocket and set out around 6am. Cambodia is great because even seemingly out in the middle of nowhere at this early hour, there are many other people out, too. Children are walking to school. People are cooking rice. Smells of food grilling fill the air. I didn’t know where the bread seller would be, but I rode until I found one. I bought two loaves, without really thinking about it. I rode home, and as I passed some kids playing in the road, wondered if they had eaten breakfast. I kept riding, having already passed them, but decided that I should share my bread. When I got back, I put my bike inside the gate and came out to say hi to the neighbors. Only two of them were out, but I had met all of them just a few days before and wanted to say hi. One woman was sitting on a bed with her little baby girl, and asked me to sit down. I asked her if she liked bread, and said I wanted her to have some. I have two, I only need one... She thanked me, and we chatted a bit. Did you exercise? Yes. Usually I like to run, but today I rode bike instead. Now I am very hot… On we chatted, until soon, the whole family (and whoever else was around) came over to sit by us. One man asked me my name. One of the other women chimed in. She remembered my name from when I met her a few days ago. I was so impressed! She let me hold her baby. She is seven months old, she told me- and beautiful and smelled like baby powder. She smiled at me, too. It was such a great morning, chatting with these warm people. It wasn’t even the conversation (it was quite broken ;) as much as the idea that I could pause to chat with neighbors, be invited ‘inside’ and be asked to sit down and welcomed all before 7am. Thanks God- You blessed me this morning. I may have to get some more bread to share tomorrow.
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