long overdue::thankful

today I woke up in a house where others were stirring around in the kitchen
I remembered that I'm not alone, and I liked the thought.

I am thankful for grey skies and cool air, even in May.

a morning walk:: noting the beauty of my neighborhood.

for learning about love by experience.

coffee and classical music in a coffee shop bustling with the early morning crowd.

the bizarre achy muscle reminder of yesterdays workout.

the memories of my season in Cambodia; for the bits of language that come to mind at random moments, for the beauty that lies in my memory, and in that country on the other side of the world...

for my job; the reminder of the human spirit...and even the all night long hours that allow me to watch the sunrise and the light peeking through the windows at 5am, welcoming another day.

the ways that art awakens my soul.

the morning of writing thirteen pages in my journal:: how the Lord chooses to reach me through other people in the most unexpected ways.

the hope in tomorrow:: the newness. and the unbelievable surprises that await.

restoration

I'm bleeding and empty.
my peace is real; my joy is deep.

and yet I don't recognize the person I've become.

I run and easily become tired
instead of alive with energy
I'm sleepy and exhausted.

my space is cluttered
my camera waits in hiding
my journal pages are empty

I have deep love for those in my midst
but my well of abundance feels dry
and my efforts aren't enough.

I'm depleted. tired. hurting. distracted.

oh Jesus.
create in me a clean heart.

restore my passion

heal the broken pieces with Your freedom
make me new.

blind and lost

it happened
I live that other part of the world now
the one that is beautiful and comfortable
and really different

I worried it might feel like this
like I went away for awhile
-disappeared to that other place-
and when I got back it was familiar enough
I could pick up where I left off and keep going-

[was that what I was supposed to do?]

that other place I was- did it really happen?

that dusty humid air
mud and sweat, friendly smiles
[the presence of God amidst the tangible aches of life]
the children that called out after me on the road
the babies I held; the patients I cared for

those words I used to communicate in;
they continue to come to my mind,
threaten to escape my lips
and yet I remain quiet
because they aren't needed anymore

did all of those days happen the way I remember them?

for all the raw pain I witnessed, and felt too
it all feels so far away now
forgotten

I hate it

that in the hours that passed when I journeyed from one land to another

life went away
was replaced
is different
and sometimes I feel blind and lost

change and transition

Whom shall I fear? 

Whom shall I fear? 

'cause I am Yours 

I am Yours.

after two weeks

across the world
from my other life
the new one
lovely
but everything moves too fast
here
life goes on
I go on too
though I’m not sure how
when part of life
I left there
and while I haven’t forgotten
I am alone in my memories

a few things I will remember

I rode down the road and through city traffic on the back of a motorbike; sidesaddle.

I learned to eat fish with the head and tail still intact.

I communicated in a language different than my mother tongue.

I learned to read and write; again.

I wept.

I prayed more often.

I was humbled.

I learned to draw blood with a simple needle and syringe.

I answered questions about my marital status and weight upon just meeting someone.

I ate rice for breakfast by choice.

I learned. and learned. and realized how much more I have to learn....

I was sick for a full week.

I took three or four showers a day.

I was welcomed in to strangers homes.

I went for morning runs on dusty gravel roads with children calling out after me.

I grew to appreciate the 5am rooster crowing and welcoming another day.

I learned to drive a motorbike.

I drove a motorbike through lakes of mud.

I fell off my motorbike.

I became charmed with the things that once bothered me.

I was invited to eat lunch with people I had never met.

I learned about thyroid disease, how to perform an EKG, and use ultrasound.

I drank coffee at a casino on a regular basis.

I bought eggs and coconuts from my neighbors.

I used a tiny bathroom with no sink.

I never needed hot water showers.

I made new friends.

I was pointed at and laughed at.

I was admired and complimented.

I felt hopeless and encouraged in the same day.

I wore jeans and long sleeves outside on hot days.

I thought in Khmer first.

I found Cambodian words and phrases more useful and appropriate than English ones.

I ate a cricket and a duck fetus.

I woke up to wat music too many mornings; and never got used to it.

I never did grow to love Cambodian music. I didn’t like it either.

I found cockroaches on my bathroom floor.

I went barefoot most of the day.

I received more compliments than ever in my life!

Thank you Cambodia.

I will remember with much fondness and much love.

  To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the Lord has planted for his own glory. 

 -Isaiah 61:3

dear sister, 
you are now away from us here- 
and we miss you. 
but we rejoice you are with Jesus 
and your pain is gone! 
you will not be forgotten.
you raised your hands up in victory this day when you stood up, it now reminds me of the victory of where you now stand. praise God for his love for us! 
with all our love...

clinic and home visits 2011-2012

Here is some of what my team and I have been up to this past year...

broken.

she lay motionless on the mat

her skin ashen, and her bones protruding in places they shouldn’t

her feet were warm, and her legs were like those of a small child

but she is no longer a small child

and as I sat near her and brushed the hair back from her face,

I wondered how she got here

I cried

not only because she was so very ill

but for all the time she had been overlooked

for the life she lived without a mother;

and without anyone to fill that missing space

much of her life had been filled with pain and illness

it was too much for my mind to take in

I cried because she isn't the only one

for the children in this country
and mine, too

who no one looks after

who are alone and seemingly unloved

my heart broke open even further that night

we live in a world where we can ‘create’ our children with medicine and science

beautifully and wonderfully made

but this daughter lays dying on a mat

without anyone to hold her and kiss her face

and my mind keeps shouting,

‘what about the ones who are already here?’

and as I look at this one,

my broken heart is moved to act

Oh Lord, your heart breaks

and mine is breaking too

and tears still fall

because it hurts

and because I don’t understand…

but I sense You so clearly right there in our midst

as we draw near to the dying, the broken, and the alone

I know you are waiting with them

and I am waiting, too

as Your love leads me forward.

just a few thoughts

So many words, thoughts, and emotions have been swirling around in my head these past months. I want to write, I need to write; but for whatever reason I don’t.

Today I am sitting here listening to old music and re-reading the first four chapters of ‘Blue Like Jazz’ –again for maybe the fourth time since I first discovered it seven years ago. Stories and thoughts of how Jesus is real; and yet faith in Christ is not something that can ever really be explained or put into words as such. As his friend in the story states- He has to happen to you…

Jesus happened to me quite a few years ago now. And still the pain and the brokenness and sin is still as real as it ever was; I am aware of it every day. I do believe He came to make me new; and to make everyone around me new too. It really is beautiful. And He has. And still life is hard, messy, painful because the story isn’t over yet.

There have been so many directions my heart has been pulled lately. But now I find myself rejoicing because I have peace. Deep, deep peace; that I know I wouldn’t have except that He gave it to me.  I went from panicked anxiety mixed with self doubt and failure to feeling full, alive, and hopeful.

A few days ago I purchased a one way ticket back to America. To Portland, a city that I absolutely love and think of as home. And still I wasn’t able to jump up and down with excitement. It isn’t yet real that I will soon leave this place, another version of home that I have come to know.  I am positive it will not be easy and lately I have had brief moments of anxiety when I think about how easy it is to transition to a culture that is so radically different than here; that I could easily feel like the life I am living now was only a dream.

And still there are small reminders that He has and will continue to redeem my living and working here for His glory, despite how it seems or feels to me. I know in theory I have made a difference; attempted to love. And most of the time it feels futile, or like I made too many mistakes. Earlier today I received one of the greatest compliments, though- which again reminded me that it really is ALL beyond my control and under His.

My teammate told me, ‘ I thought this a long time ago, but I realized I never told you. Before you leave to go back, I wanted to tell you that I like the way that you chose to be like the Khmer people, not just thinking about your own ways of doing things. You didn’t need things to be like the way you are used to, but you could do things like the way we do them. I don’t think about you like a foreign staff member, but I think of you like a Cambodian. You are like us. I can joke and have fun with you. You care so much about the people here; you talk to the children and call them cute- even if we don't think they are...’

My heart felt full and warm to hear these words. This was a tremendous compliment to me, and yet it seemed like nothing I would have expected to hear. I don’t often FEEL like I am much like my Cambodian teammates and neighbors. I hoped to show love and care to the people around me, but sometimes...

As I said before, the brokenness is real; in me as much as in the next person. 

By the grace of God, I have somehow communicated that love and care. And as I reflect on my time, comments like this remind me that He has used me, and that it was nothing that I did on my own.

Feeling grateful and filled with peace. Looking ahead with hope and expectation on all that is to come.

[30!] hopes for the new year

it feels quite surreal to turn 30 years old; I decided I wanted to make a list of hopes and things I hope to do this year. I have a feeling the Lord is already at work doing something big. 30 ideas to make the most of living 30 years.

1. spend the night on the Oregon coast

2. cook and bake for others more often

3. make homemade chai

4. renew my nursing license

5. appreciate the rush of the city, the stillness of nature- appreciate each place I am in for the time I am in it

6. give all the glory to God

7. to grow deeper as a person of prayer

8. love a child

9. cook more often; use new ingredients

10. run at least 10 miles of forest park in portland

11. buy only fair trade coffee beans

12. spend at least one evening dancing

13. learn more about foster care/adoption

14. make new friends

15. read throughout the whole year; always be with a book to read

16. paint

17. meditate and memories the psalms

18. grow in medical knowledge and experience

19. learn more about photography (and my new camera!)

20. pray with others in their struggles and pain

21. share a bottle of red wine with my sister

22. write more often

23. wake up early on purpose

24. watch the sunset over at least two different oceans

25. pray for awareness and sensitivity

26. eat Ben and Jerry's halfbaked ice cream

27. continue to take photos every day

28. spend a day hiking

29. run a half marathon

30. advocate for children

journey

He opened up my eyes and heart,
bringing further clarity and direction to my gifts and purpose.

my heart burst with excitement
as I pondered and prayed about what form
these visions might take

for months I waited and prayed,
as I sensed what was beginning to unfold.
I had an idea;
but at first I remained uncommitted and objective

hesitant to commit; or to let my heart go there.

yet deep down; I knew this was it.
at least the work and the purpose

maybe the form would change;

but I couldn’t imagine work I would rather do.

I found myself wondering
how did I miss it
all this time…?

and there it was-
the opportunity I was hoping for
offered;
only waiting for acceptance.

I rejoiced
and slowly allowed my heart to open.
for awhile I remained in this space
of expectation and joy

and then

He said no.
this wasn’t it.
not now.

I thought it was perfect.
He said it wasn’t.

the vision remains
but the job;
no longer an option.

I don’t know why.

I don’t know where I am going.

for now, I mourn and wait.

overcome

You said there were bigger problems than being paralyzed.

'your sins are forgiven.'

You have overcome sin.
I stand in awe.

Even when I can't feel it.

Even when people die in bloody traffic accidents; or from cancer in a quiet village.
When our attitudes get in the way of your command to love.
When men like Kony are still at work, and wars are being fought.
When I drive through the slum after dark, and I can't imagine calling it home.

Why? [not?]
When I cry because I don't know what any of it means, or what I am doing here.

When loneliness, tears, depression, and illness seem to have had the last word.

I stand on the promises of Jesus; He who has been here before. Who has overcome all of this [sin] He who has [absolute and final] authority. I believe it.

Jesus climbed into a boat and went back across the lake to his own town. Some people brought to him a paralyzed man on a mat. Seeing their faith, Jesus said to the paralyzed man, “Be encouraged, my child! Your sins are forgiven.” But some of the teachers of religious law said to themselves, “That’s blasphemy! Does he think he’s God?” Jesus knew what they were thinking, so he asked them, “Why do you have such evil thoughts in your hearts? Is it easier to say ‘Your sins are forgiven,’ or ‘Stand up and walk’? So I will prove to you that the Son of Man has the authority on earth to forgive sins.” Then Jesus turned to the paralyzed man and said, “Stand up, pick up your mat, and go home!” And the man jumped up and went home! Fear swept through the crowd as they saw this happen. And they praised God for sending a man with such great authority.' Matthew 9:1-8

thinking out loud

"Please don't kill the child. I want the child. Please give me the child. I am willing to accept any child who would be aborted, and to give that child to a married couple who will love the child…” Mother Teresa

Recently those words came to mind; after reading them in a book over ten years ago. I was challenged to say them out loud in some form, if I ever had the opportunity. When was I going to have that opportunity? I don't know. I might be a bit on the liberal side; and still I believe it would be an honor and a privilege to be a part of that kind of dialogue.


Last week I heard that my patient had aborted her baby.

'I didn't want it,' she said.

I keep thinking about her. I wish I could have heard her heart first.
And shared mine too.

enough.

I’m turning 30 in a few months. I have had a few near freak-out moments; seriously wondering what the next 10 years of my life might look like [not to mention the next year!] and feeling SO old. Being single, without children, and living in another country are enough to make me feel a bit of panic and wonder for just a brief moment what the Lord is really up to…

But I trust. I really honestly trust.

My wise friend J said something a few months ago that I keep coming back to.

‘The older I get, the more I realize I need to spend my life on things that matter. I don’t know how much time I have- I want all of the work I do to count. I don’t have time to waste.’

Not profound, but I keep thinking about it. Sometimes it feels like I have missed something all this time. But I know; we never get all the details or the whole story at the beginning…

Today the glimpse became more and more clear. I think today it became more of a vision. Although I still don’t know how it’s going to happen. I don’t know any of the details. Not even one.

I feel this tremendous sense of joy because some things are making a little sense; and also I’m left to wonder- why is this happening now?

I have a lot more questions than answers. Yet He keeps reminding me; He is ENOUGH.

He is enough when there are questions without answers, when I am incapable, and when I don’t even know which country I will live in a year from now.

When He asks things of me that don't make sense and seem quite impossible; He is enough.

When I know I will be met with the criticism, questions, and doubts of others; He is enough.


Then the word of the Lord came to him, saying, “Arise, go to Zarephath, which belongs to Sidon, and stay there; behold, I have commanded a widow there to provide for you.” So he arose and went to Zarephath, and when he came to the gate of the city, behold, a widow was there gathering sticks; and he called to her and said, “Please get me a little water in a jar, that I may drink.” As she was going to get it, he called to her and said, “Please bring me a piece of bread in your hand.” But she said, “As the Lord your God lives, I have no bread, only a handful of flour in the bowl and a little oil in the jar; and behold, I am gathering a few sticks that I may go in and prepare for me and my son, that we may eat it and die.”
Then Elijah said to her, “Do not fear; go, do as you have said, but make me a little bread cake from it first and bring it out to me, and afterward you may make one for yourself and for your son. For thus says the Lord God of Israel, ‘The bowl of flour shall not be exhausted, nor shall the jar of oil be empty, until the day that the Lord sends rain on the face of the earth.’” So she went and did according to the word of Elijah, and she and he and her household ate for many days. The bowl of flour was not exhausted nor did the jar of oil become empty, according to the word of the Lord which He spoke through Elijah.
1 Kings 17:8-16


He is enough.

busy clinic

say good morning to six patients who are already waiting inside when we arrive. change flip flops. help sweep the floors and wipe down the tables and surfaces that got dusty over the weekend. set up the ultrasound machine. change the linen on the exam table. turn on the fan. pray together as a team. go back out to the waiting room and welcome another three patients that have arrived. call the first patient forward. check their weight and vital signs. ask some questions about how they’ve been feeling. record information in their notebook. bring the first patient back to meet the doctor. meet with each follow-up and new patient that is waiting to be seen; repeat previous process. get interrupted multiple times to make follow up appointments and draw blood samples for the first patients after their doctor visit is finished. record labs in the book. give the child waiting with his mom a piece of candy. realize the air conditioner in the office is leaking water. ask my teammate if he knows how to fix it. turn the fan on higher. answer personal questions about my weight and marital status. ask the shy 17 year old new patient for a urine sample. show her where the bathroom is as she nervously laughs. answer questions of my teammates. [we have too many patients, should we tell some to come back after lunch??] continue screening new patients. take their photo for our computer chart. examine their neck for a mass. listen to the 135 beats/minute heartbeat of seriously ill young woman. find enough medication for the cancer patient on hospice. check another urine sample. find more 10cc syringes when we run out of syringes in the cabinet. listen to my teammate give another ‘iodine talk.' print off more follow-up forms when we run out. make copies of the other clinic forms. stop when the printer ink runs out. see the smile of the woman who is now on correct medications after two years of wondering what is wrong with her. refill the water in the refrigerator. schedule another patient for an FNA (fine-needle aspiration) in April. attempt to make the FNA schedule reasonable. check the calendar again.. what day was that? answer other questions. realize I haven’t had any water all morning. drink water. take a deep breath.
whew.
this is a busy morning at the clinic….;)

cheers

Today at church we celebrated communion together. A young man walked back to his seat holding a tiny cup of juice and the piece of bread he had just received. I watched with complete shock as he stopped near one of his friends, paused, and held up the tiny plastic cup with a big smile, and said “cheers!” as they clicked the plastic cups together.

I was immediately taken back to the strict teaching I received growing up in the Catholic Church. Under no circumstances do you smile, laugh, or even interact with anyone during this time. Bow your head, fold your hands, and don't say anything. Respect and reverence were taught and were of upmost importance for us as children in Catholic school.

I had to smile inside though.

I don’t think he meant to be disrespectful. I don’t know what he was thinking. But perhaps for him this time was just that; an occasion for celebration. A time for a big smile, and to share this special gift with a friend. An occasion to rejoice. To say “cheers” in the middle of church.

I looked down at the florescent red juice and the bit of dry bread in my hands.

It wasn’t the red wine and special cross-imprinted round wafer that was once so familiar to me.

On this ordinary Sunday morning somewhere in the middle of Southeast Asia, here we were.

The body of Christ.

The grown man behind me was wearing what looked like boxer shorts with cartoon characters on them. The woman near him was in her best traditional clothes. A little boy sat on the floor near my feet chewing on a piece of fruit; it’s juice dripping over his dirty feet and making small muddy puddles on the tile. The children in the front sang in their loudest voices. And the oldest man in church sat quietly in the front playing the bass guitar.

Most in the room would be considered poor by the world’s standards. Many don’t know how to read. Most didn’t grow up learning strict rules of respect and reverence when it comes to a relationship with God. Most of these people just show up as they are; trusting that God will meet them there.

I find it really beautiful.

So despite my initial shock of the ‘inappropriate behavior’ displayed, I found great joy and a smile in my heart as we celebrated the gift of God to us this morning in church.

Cheers.

a glimpse

For a reason unknown to me, the Lord has placed a particular issue on my heart for as long as I can remember. I figured it would be significant in my life at some point- and yet it still doesn't make much sense to me.

This past year especially, He brings it to mind again and again. In different ways, through different circumstances, different people. I read stories about people I have never met, and find myself in tears often. Sometimes I still wonder why.

'Are you willing?' He seems to ask me.
'Are you willing as you are right now...?'

'Yes, Lord, I am willing.' Even though I don't understand where this is going...

I still don't know.

And yet, I wait.

I have caught a glimpse of the beginning of a new chapter on this journey. He doesn't tell me what to expect, but I think He has made it clear that it won't be easy. I think it might look like nights with little sleep. Lots of prayer and early mornings. Learning; and learning again. Being uncomfortable. Frustration, pain, tears. A loss of freedom and a change in lifestyle.
This past year I have been praying about sacrifice, selfishness, and control.
I like control.
I am selfish.
I want to live sacrificially.

Although I have the ultimate example, I am not really good at any of this...and I want to learn. For a long time now, I have had this longing to give of myself. To REALLY give. Yes, I have given. Somewhat. Yet I continue to sense that this isn't quite it- there is something else. I haven't discovered it yet. But I have prayed. I have asked. I have waited.

I am still waiting.

I still don't know where this is going; but for today, I am thankful for the glimpse.

Glory in shells

I made all of this! I am here; in each violet spot against the pure white, in each brown curve and iridescent sparkle. I created each one of these; designed every detail, every curve, color, and shape…

Your delight brings glory to my name.

This may be only a fraction of all I have created; yet I am honored as you notice each detail I formed, each color that I painted. I made this for you; that you would remember me as you marvel…

I know each shell, and each grain of sand. On this island. On every island.

And how much more do I know your heart…

'The heavens proclaim the glory of God. The skies display his craftsmanship. Day after day they continue to speak; night after night they make him known. They speak without a sound or word; their voice is never heard. Yet their message has gone throughout the earth, and their words to all the world.

How precious are your thoughts about me, O God. They cannot be numbered! I can’t even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand!'

Psalm 19:1-4, 139:17-18

All things NEW

I am so overwhelmed with thoughts as 2012 begins...
Most of all, I am filled with hope for all the Lord is going to do in this new year.
I am excited.



(and I was blessed to have begun the new year on Koh Mak island, Thailand ;)