loved

the deep awareness of the reality of my situation hit me again yesterday. I am moving to a different country, following only the direction of Jesus. it is real. and it is a little scary too. but the deep awareness was that of how much I am loved by those He has given me. and how great it is to love them back. it was strange and beautiful and yet incredibly real and almost tangible to ponder, and I am grateful in a way I could never put into words. I know that I never want to forget it, though, so I am writing it down.

an anonymous quotation from my high school journal came to me as I reflected.
'there is no surprise more magical than the surprise of being loved; it is God's hand on our shoulder...'

warm pockets

On Saturday morning I embraced the chilly Colorado winter and went for a run along the Santa Fe Trail, which runs right along the property where I am staying. My computer told me it was 19 degrees, so I wore my hat, gloves, and layered on the clothes, as I was determined to enjoy the sunny winter morning and didn’t want any excuse to return inside. For the first mile and a half, my hands were almost numb, the air was thin and frigid, and I felt the heaviness of the layers I wore. Yet the sun was bright and the air was crisp and fresh.

After the first loop, I returned to where I began, and shed some of the weight, as my hands and core were now warm. I felt light; and now free to continue on the other direction.

The sun shone bright in my eyes as I ran east. The rocks slid beneath my feet.

The run was perfect. Not because it was easy, comfortable, or always felt great. But because God spoke to me through the cold, the moments by breath was short because of the 7,000 feet of rising hills, and in the moments when I was just tired.

At one point, as I ran with the sun almost blinding my eyes, I took a breath and it was warm. It was one of those warm pockets- where the air is warm in the midst of the cold surrounding it. It only lasts for a moment. I don’t understand why or how it happens- but it is so real, so tangible. It was as if I was in the middle of sunshine on the beach instead of in the mountains at 7:45am on a January morning.

My iPod played words in my ears, which spoke to me as if He were right there. I became so aware--
That He wasn’t leaving me anywhere, despite where I may go and how alone I might feel. That my life is so short- and living it for myself is really a waste of time. That no matter how hard anything in my future is; I have already overcome it with the cross of Christ. Therefore, I move forward in JOY.

'I'm forgiven by a Savior who did not deserve death

He was blameless and I was lost in shamefulness

Undelivered, but it doesn't seem right

Unless I keep my eyes focused on the Savior who gave His life

In the middle of a world that denies it believes

It is breaking apart at the very seams

There is one thing to be alive for

And it's to take up my cross and follow You Lord



When You stand, the tall trees and mountains bow

When You speak, the fiercest of oceans is still

And I see the sinner seek devotion

The lost become chosen,
and I fall to my knees

I will take up my cross and follow
Lord where You lead me

And I will take up my cross and follow
wherever you go'

(Devotion, Hillsong United)

The sun was bright. The snow sparkled. And the gravel was bumpy under my feet. And during all of this, my purpose was again called to mind. I knew He would be there; for the rest of my life, and surely on this journey ahead.

Like the sunshine.

Sometimes it was cool and colder, but the sun was never gone. The air was thin, yet I was able to go on. And during the few moments I was tired and ready to be done, His voice lingered in the air- somewhere in the warm pockets.

lost

my mind, distracted
I don't know how to emerge
I can't even write

I have been wanting to write lately; there are so many things on my mind. but today, all I could come up with was this haiku.