friendly

one thing I love about Cambodia is the curiosity and warmth of so many people. many young people especially are not afraid to be friendly and practice their English, or just to talk to a white girl... or because they are curious or surprised that I can say even a few words in their language.

tonight I went to a shop I had never been to so I could buy phone credit. two young women were leaving as I was arriving, and overheard me talking to the seller. as I was leaving, they were waiting outside for me. "oh, sister! your khmer is so clear. how long have you been here?" and on and on she went... we chatted for a few minutes about work, school, and where she was off to tonight.

"do you have a phone?" she asked. I laughed as she asked for my phone number. we have never met. and honestly, this happens all the time! sometimes I reveal my number, sometimes not. only some of the time do I get calls back, or cute texts in hard to understand English.

I can't help but smile; when else would you be asked for your phone number from a complete stranger? (or give it?!)
and I always laugh, thinking, 'if only I could find a boyfriend this easily...' ;)

alone [and not]

in my mind it began very clearly as I sat in one of the middle seats. I was by myself, but this time it felt different. more unwelcome. I was deeply lonely. I was surrounded by other people, but I was alone. It was the most alone I had ever felt. I was leaving behind a community and I felt pain that was strong enough to make me feel as if my heart was breaking. “oh Father, I know I am not truly alone…” I whispered in my heart. and I did know. but it was really hard- and painfully lonely.

that day seemingly began a journey of a different kind of alone-ness; one that I had not yet discovered. one with hills, valleys, and plains that I have traveled ever since. many times I have been surprised at how perhaps I should feel lonely, but I don’t. connections and friendships came out of nowhere, as if He was holding me close. and in the silence and quiet, I have grown. I have grown to require this space, which I delight in.

other times, I have days of dark- I have wondered how I would move forward. some days, I felt [and feel] stuck. unable to gain perspective. my independence is no longer a joy. sometimes it just hurts.

but with each step [or lack thereof] my Father is there.

the alone shows up in different ways and in different circumstances; sometimes I fight tears and sometimes not; sometimes I’m honest, and other times I can’t believe I let these thoughts escape my head and make it on to paper…

the psalmist says, ‘he sets the lonely in families,’ and ‘he gives the childless woman a family, making her a happy mother.’ [psalms 113, 68]

Father, I don’t always understand, but I trust.

and I know that I am not even alone in these thoughts.
I know there are others who share them; and for today anyway, I’m not afraid to write them down and give them life.

September; a new beginning?

I want to write more…

I don’t even know where to begin, but I think I need to start by just writing; and not worry what about..

yesterday I was driving my moto down the main road in Poipet in the morning. out of the corner of my eye, I saw I someone slowly running down the side of the street; I realized it was a completely naked woman, holding a pair of jeans. she looked so disoriented, her face pained; as she continued forward, oblivious…

It happened so quickly that I was down the road quite a way before I realized what I had just witnessed. even now, I don’t know what I could have done differently, but I can’t get the scene out of my head.

lost. alone.

these are the words that keep coming to mind when her I think of her. I didn’t notice a reaction of any people around her, but I wonder how others saw her. did they feel pity? did they laugh? did anyone dare to try to help her; this disheveled individual who obviously didn’t fit in their conservative culture?

an adult who seemed so neglected and forgotten. she is His child, I thought. I wanted so much for her to be cared for and looked after; to not feel alone. I wondered where her mind was. I wondered what I could do. I think I will always struggle; wanting to love in these situations and not knowing how.

hours later, I sat in a van in Bangkok traffic praying and listening to music, as we weaved in and out of a sea of cars, trucks, and flashing lights. I was seemingly transformed to a different world; but I still had this image of this naked woman, wandering aimless down the street.

I am trying to listen, but I don’t have an conclusion yet…