thinking out loud

"Please don't kill the child. I want the child. Please give me the child. I am willing to accept any child who would be aborted, and to give that child to a married couple who will love the child…” Mother Teresa

Recently those words came to mind; after reading them in a book over ten years ago. I was challenged to say them out loud in some form, if I ever had the opportunity. When was I going to have that opportunity? I don't know. I might be a bit on the liberal side; and still I believe it would be an honor and a privilege to be a part of that kind of dialogue.


Last week I heard that my patient had aborted her baby.

'I didn't want it,' she said.

I keep thinking about her. I wish I could have heard her heart first.
And shared mine too.

enough.

I’m turning 30 in a few months. I have had a few near freak-out moments; seriously wondering what the next 10 years of my life might look like [not to mention the next year!] and feeling SO old. Being single, without children, and living in another country are enough to make me feel a bit of panic and wonder for just a brief moment what the Lord is really up to…

But I trust. I really honestly trust.

My wise friend J said something a few months ago that I keep coming back to.

‘The older I get, the more I realize I need to spend my life on things that matter. I don’t know how much time I have- I want all of the work I do to count. I don’t have time to waste.’

Not profound, but I keep thinking about it. Sometimes it feels like I have missed something all this time. But I know; we never get all the details or the whole story at the beginning…

Today the glimpse became more and more clear. I think today it became more of a vision. Although I still don’t know how it’s going to happen. I don’t know any of the details. Not even one.

I feel this tremendous sense of joy because some things are making a little sense; and also I’m left to wonder- why is this happening now?

I have a lot more questions than answers. Yet He keeps reminding me; He is ENOUGH.

He is enough when there are questions without answers, when I am incapable, and when I don’t even know which country I will live in a year from now.

When He asks things of me that don't make sense and seem quite impossible; He is enough.

When I know I will be met with the criticism, questions, and doubts of others; He is enough.


Then the word of the Lord came to him, saying, “Arise, go to Zarephath, which belongs to Sidon, and stay there; behold, I have commanded a widow there to provide for you.” So he arose and went to Zarephath, and when he came to the gate of the city, behold, a widow was there gathering sticks; and he called to her and said, “Please get me a little water in a jar, that I may drink.” As she was going to get it, he called to her and said, “Please bring me a piece of bread in your hand.” But she said, “As the Lord your God lives, I have no bread, only a handful of flour in the bowl and a little oil in the jar; and behold, I am gathering a few sticks that I may go in and prepare for me and my son, that we may eat it and die.”
Then Elijah said to her, “Do not fear; go, do as you have said, but make me a little bread cake from it first and bring it out to me, and afterward you may make one for yourself and for your son. For thus says the Lord God of Israel, ‘The bowl of flour shall not be exhausted, nor shall the jar of oil be empty, until the day that the Lord sends rain on the face of the earth.’” So she went and did according to the word of Elijah, and she and he and her household ate for many days. The bowl of flour was not exhausted nor did the jar of oil become empty, according to the word of the Lord which He spoke through Elijah.
1 Kings 17:8-16


He is enough.

busy clinic

say good morning to six patients who are already waiting inside when we arrive. change flip flops. help sweep the floors and wipe down the tables and surfaces that got dusty over the weekend. set up the ultrasound machine. change the linen on the exam table. turn on the fan. pray together as a team. go back out to the waiting room and welcome another three patients that have arrived. call the first patient forward. check their weight and vital signs. ask some questions about how they’ve been feeling. record information in their notebook. bring the first patient back to meet the doctor. meet with each follow-up and new patient that is waiting to be seen; repeat previous process. get interrupted multiple times to make follow up appointments and draw blood samples for the first patients after their doctor visit is finished. record labs in the book. give the child waiting with his mom a piece of candy. realize the air conditioner in the office is leaking water. ask my teammate if he knows how to fix it. turn the fan on higher. answer personal questions about my weight and marital status. ask the shy 17 year old new patient for a urine sample. show her where the bathroom is as she nervously laughs. answer questions of my teammates. [we have too many patients, should we tell some to come back after lunch??] continue screening new patients. take their photo for our computer chart. examine their neck for a mass. listen to the 135 beats/minute heartbeat of seriously ill young woman. find enough medication for the cancer patient on hospice. check another urine sample. find more 10cc syringes when we run out of syringes in the cabinet. listen to my teammate give another ‘iodine talk.' print off more follow-up forms when we run out. make copies of the other clinic forms. stop when the printer ink runs out. see the smile of the woman who is now on correct medications after two years of wondering what is wrong with her. refill the water in the refrigerator. schedule another patient for an FNA (fine-needle aspiration) in April. attempt to make the FNA schedule reasonable. check the calendar again.. what day was that? answer other questions. realize I haven’t had any water all morning. drink water. take a deep breath.
whew.
this is a busy morning at the clinic….;)

cheers

Today at church we celebrated communion together. A young man walked back to his seat holding a tiny cup of juice and the piece of bread he had just received. I watched with complete shock as he stopped near one of his friends, paused, and held up the tiny plastic cup with a big smile, and said “cheers!” as they clicked the plastic cups together.

I was immediately taken back to the strict teaching I received growing up in the Catholic Church. Under no circumstances do you smile, laugh, or even interact with anyone during this time. Bow your head, fold your hands, and don't say anything. Respect and reverence were taught and were of upmost importance for us as children in Catholic school.

I had to smile inside though.

I don’t think he meant to be disrespectful. I don’t know what he was thinking. But perhaps for him this time was just that; an occasion for celebration. A time for a big smile, and to share this special gift with a friend. An occasion to rejoice. To say “cheers” in the middle of church.

I looked down at the florescent red juice and the bit of dry bread in my hands.

It wasn’t the red wine and special cross-imprinted round wafer that was once so familiar to me.

On this ordinary Sunday morning somewhere in the middle of Southeast Asia, here we were.

The body of Christ.

The grown man behind me was wearing what looked like boxer shorts with cartoon characters on them. The woman near him was in her best traditional clothes. A little boy sat on the floor near my feet chewing on a piece of fruit; it’s juice dripping over his dirty feet and making small muddy puddles on the tile. The children in the front sang in their loudest voices. And the oldest man in church sat quietly in the front playing the bass guitar.

Most in the room would be considered poor by the world’s standards. Many don’t know how to read. Most didn’t grow up learning strict rules of respect and reverence when it comes to a relationship with God. Most of these people just show up as they are; trusting that God will meet them there.

I find it really beautiful.

So despite my initial shock of the ‘inappropriate behavior’ displayed, I found great joy and a smile in my heart as we celebrated the gift of God to us this morning in church.

Cheers.

a glimpse

For a reason unknown to me, the Lord has placed a particular issue on my heart for as long as I can remember. I figured it would be significant in my life at some point- and yet it still doesn't make much sense to me.

This past year especially, He brings it to mind again and again. In different ways, through different circumstances, different people. I read stories about people I have never met, and find myself in tears often. Sometimes I still wonder why.

'Are you willing?' He seems to ask me.
'Are you willing as you are right now...?'

'Yes, Lord, I am willing.' Even though I don't understand where this is going...

I still don't know.

And yet, I wait.

I have caught a glimpse of the beginning of a new chapter on this journey. He doesn't tell me what to expect, but I think He has made it clear that it won't be easy. I think it might look like nights with little sleep. Lots of prayer and early mornings. Learning; and learning again. Being uncomfortable. Frustration, pain, tears. A loss of freedom and a change in lifestyle.
This past year I have been praying about sacrifice, selfishness, and control.
I like control.
I am selfish.
I want to live sacrificially.

Although I have the ultimate example, I am not really good at any of this...and I want to learn. For a long time now, I have had this longing to give of myself. To REALLY give. Yes, I have given. Somewhat. Yet I continue to sense that this isn't quite it- there is something else. I haven't discovered it yet. But I have prayed. I have asked. I have waited.

I am still waiting.

I still don't know where this is going; but for today, I am thankful for the glimpse.

Glory in shells

I made all of this! I am here; in each violet spot against the pure white, in each brown curve and iridescent sparkle. I created each one of these; designed every detail, every curve, color, and shape…

Your delight brings glory to my name.

This may be only a fraction of all I have created; yet I am honored as you notice each detail I formed, each color that I painted. I made this for you; that you would remember me as you marvel…

I know each shell, and each grain of sand. On this island. On every island.

And how much more do I know your heart…

'The heavens proclaim the glory of God. The skies display his craftsmanship. Day after day they continue to speak; night after night they make him known. They speak without a sound or word; their voice is never heard. Yet their message has gone throughout the earth, and their words to all the world.

How precious are your thoughts about me, O God. They cannot be numbered! I can’t even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand!'

Psalm 19:1-4, 139:17-18

All things NEW

I am so overwhelmed with thoughts as 2012 begins...
Most of all, I am filled with hope for all the Lord is going to do in this new year.
I am excited.



(and I was blessed to have begun the new year on Koh Mak island, Thailand ;)

Hebrews 13:3

This is a letter from a teammate of mine; please join us in remembering Auntie M and asking the Lord for justice and to show us His glory in this situation.

Dear Team,
Tonight we’ll all be sleeping in comfort. Our Auntie M has just been convicted and sentenced to jail for three years. She won’t be sleeping in comfort, but in a cramped room with seven other women. She has done nothing wrong, except for daring to speak up against some wrong done in her community. In revenge, she was accused of selling drugs. Shortly thereafter, her accuser freely confessed that he had lied, but by then, Auntie M was in jail. That happened in May. She has been held in the penitentiary ever since, without proof or an accuser.
This afternoon, I went along with M’s family to the sentencing. Inside the courthouse, we were told to wait in the lobby. Right up til the last minute, the officials were asking for money. In the end, the judge sentenced her without even allowing us into the courtroom. She took the sentencing alone. We didn’t know what was happening until she was being rushed out of the courtroom. She was sobbing, having being told that she was going to do three years in jail for a crime she never committed.
Afterwards, we all drove over to the jail. In an open air room on a dirty floor, we sat on a mat and listened as M poured her heart out in grief. Flies from the nearby garbage pile landed all over us as we talked together. At first, she cried as she recounted her hopeless looking situation, but soon she turned her concern for her children. Three of her kids were there, all in their late teens and twenties. Over and over again, she encouraged her children to live for Jesus. Of particular concern is her youngest daughter, who seems to be wandering away from the Lord. M talked about her own firm commitment to Him and of her dependence on Him. She said that she can bear with her incarceration, if only her she knows that her children are walking with the Savior.
Our hearts ache for Auntie M. She has only been a believer for a few short years, yet she has been through much more testing of her faith than most of us have been through in our lifetimes. Many of us have been praying for her to be free by Christmas, which has been her big hope. Humanly speaking, that seems impossible. The inner workings of the system have conspired against her. But we don’t believe the story is over. Although the judicial system here seems to have had the last word, maybe God has something else in mind. Yes, He makes everything work together for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. We can trust Him. Will you please continue to pray for Auntie M that God will bless her and that His will will be done in her life? We’ll look forward to seeing how He is going to bring victory out of sorrow. Hebrews 13:3.

Immanuel; God is with us

'The Word that gives life

was from the beginning,

and this is the one

our message is about.

Our ears have heard,

our own eyes have seen,

and our hands touched

this Word.

The one who gives life appeared! We saw it happen, and we are witnesses to what we have seen. Now we are telling you about this eternal life that was with the Father and appeared to us. We are telling you what we have seen and heard, so that you may share in this life with us. And we share in it with the Father and with his Son Jesus Christ. We are writing to tell you these things, because this makes us truly happy.' 1 John 1:1-4

These past weeks I have seen and touched and felt so much…

Last week I drove my motorbike down the long dusty road to visit one of my patients in the village. At one point along the way I hit a big rock and had my first experience of tipping it over into a ditch! While my arms and legs were a bit bruised and beat up, I was fine. I continued to travel with my teammates to a village in the middle of nowhere in order to sit in my patient’s house and give him refills of the medications that keep him comfortable as he loses his eyesight from the cancer that has spread to his brain. I got to hear my teammate pray for him, and share more about Jesus to his neighbors. I got to see the light in the eyes of the young girl who reads the word of God aloud for the first time, and asks in excitement about how she can learn and understand more. I got to see her smile when we told her about the church in her village.

Later that day, we made our way to a different patient's house. As the afternoon sun poured light through the slits in the wood panels of the house, I got to sit on the floor and watch the Jesus film in the Cambodian language with three other Cambodian women. My patient gasped with delight as she watched the disciples attempting to pull up their fishing nets which were bursting with fish.

Last Sunday I ran my first half marathon in Asia. That morning was a different kind of joy- refreshing cool morning air, running through trees and temples—with hordes of Cambodian children holding out their little hands for high-fives all along the route. As I ran, I was tired- I hadn’t trained enough- but running makes me feel alive and so thankful. Thankful for my health and thankful that running is possible (almost!) everywhere. I was also thankful to share the experience with many friends from near and far.

Yesterday I got to pray while my teammates and I assisted another teammate with some dental care. We don’t usually perform dental work, but this was a special case. We turned one of the exam rooms into a dental suite; with a special chair and all. It involved some extra steps like using a lighter in order to melt the plastic on our suction tubing to make it fit with the suction device… (hello medicine in the developing world!) and the doctor standing on a stepstool in order to be at the right angle. After 6 teeth were removed, I got to see the smile of a man who was so excited that his painful teeth were gone. He giggled with delight as we finished- he was so overjoyed that we could help him. Yes, it was all relatively simple-- but brought much joy to all of us.

I am thankful for this season of life here in Cambodia. And I am thankful for this season of the year—where I can remember the Word of Life who came down to earth to live amongst us. Who came to give us new life.

The gift of God’s Son coming to earth has meant a new life for me, and for many people here, too. My ears have heard, my eyes have seen, my hands have touched. And I am thankful for this gift; for God is still with us today.

‘...and they will call him Immanuel, which means ‘God is with us.’ Matthew 1:23

“God did not send the Son into the world to judge the world, but that the world might be saved through Him.”

John 3:17

the never ending [THANKFUL] list.

As I wrote my thankful list this year- in multiple start and stop sessions- I realized; the list never really ends. It seems I could list things on and on and on… and so eventually, even though I stop writing, the list is never complete. And that in itself is a reason to be thankful.

This year Colossians 2:7 came alive to me again; 

'Let your roots grow down into him, and let your lives be built on him. Then your faith will grow strong in the truth you were taught, and you will overflow with thankfulness.'

THEN your faith will grow strong in the truth, and [because of that] you will overflow with thankfulness. How great is God?! As we grow deeper in Him, our lives are continually built on Him, our faith grows strong, and we are overcome with thanksgiving. That feels like another thing to add to the list; yet another gift.

Here are just a few of the other things that made the list this year…

good beds; feather pillows, down comforters, cotton duvets
redemption
photography
riding in a boat
the smell of sunscreen
Young Life
running a half marathon with my sister
lime, chili, lemongrass; the flavors of Asian food
baby powder
waterskiing
wearing long sleeves
going to a Twins game
espresso
compliments
holding a baby
candles
free time
smells of plants on morning runs
reflections in a lake
always having enough
hot chocolate
a house with stable walls
rain and gray skies
clean tile floors
hand written letters
a nursing degree and it’s opportunities
dusk
chips, salsa, and guacamole
the big city
communication
cooking
encouragement and inspiration
hammocks
being trusted
thoughtfulness
writing
anticipation

a "God" issue

This evening I went for a run, and listened to a podcast that somehow made it on to my ipod, although truthfully I don't remember how. It was from pastor David Platt, and titled "The Child Yet Unborn."

My true confession for today is that I don't know why I would have chosen to download this message, or even really how it got on my computer. I would not have called myself "pro-choice"; but very honestly, abortion wasn't one of the issues that broke my heart each time I thought about it. Truthfully it was a subject that made me cringe. It frustrated me how much of a political issue it had become, and how people are being senselessly killed and ignored around the world everyday; yet it seemed as though the "pro-life" activists didn't notice or care about these other lives that were out of sight. I always thought, 'What about these people [like the ones I am in contact with every day] that it feels like the world has forgotten? Why aren't we equally fighting for them??'

And I pray I will remain sensitive; to these and to ALL life.

But tonight my eyes were opened again to the sovereignty and majesty and the HEART of the God who created the world, and each one of us. He is SO good, SO mighty, and SO worthy of our praise and humility.

Please take the time to listen to the words [God's Words] which He used to change my heart, open my eyes, and make me weep tonight. Be challenged, convicted, and transformed by God's Word and His deep love for each of us.

The Child Yet Unborn 7/3/11 [#17]

today

It was a usual visit morning. We had met, prayed together, navigated the roads, and made it to our patient’s house. But today was special. I found myself sitting on the bamboo of the dwelling my patient called home, listening to my teammate share about Jesus to those who had never heard. It was beautiful- the genuine open eyes, actively listening. I heard the words; “We have never heard this before. Today is the first time.”

It was beautiful, really.
Really beautiful.

And yet, my heart struggled in my lack of understanding. In doubt. I wanted to be joyful, but for some reason felt so inadequate. Oh, Father! Why did you choose us; selfish and imperfect, to share these important truths of who you are? Lord, are you really sure you want to use US-- surely there is a better way?! How is it that WE can be vessels of such good news? I know we aren’t adequate.... Oh Lord, enter in…

As I struggled to understand the good news in another language, I was frustrated with myself over words I didn’t know, and concepts I didn’t know how to express.

I struggled wondering if our friends really understood, and so badly wanting them to…

The roads were bumpy, the air was filled with dust. I was hot, and my arms were getting sunburned. I was thirsty and tired. I was sick of the staring eyes and the jeers from onlookers about how the white girl drives. My attitude was poor.

Today was one of those days; I felt so useless.

And yet, what I had experienced and seen; only hours before!

I had forgotten; and I still forget. He is bigger than the imperfection of this world around me.

Even when we don’t speak clearly.
Or the road is bumpy and long.
Or I am tired.

He said; “Who will go?”

[We said we would]

He said;
‘My grace is sufficient;
my power is made perfect in weakness.’

[This makes it possible for me to be here]

Thank you God; that you are bigger than me.

'but now in a single victorious stroke of Life, all three—sin, guilt, death—are gone, the gift of our Master, Jesus Christ. Thank God! With all this going for us, my dear friends, stand your ground. And don't hold back. Throw yourselves into the work of the Master, confident that nothing you do for him is a waste of time or effort.' 1 Corinthians 15:57-58, the message

a few random stories from life here...

last weekend, a poor village woman shared with my friend about how she and her husband had been affected by the recent flooding:

We had no money. Thank God that someone gave me 30Baht ($1), so we could eat that day. Then my husband and I prayed that God would show us how we could get money for food. Praise God, we were able to catch 2 kgs of frogs; which we sold at the market. Then we had money again. Look how God provided for us!

a few weeks ago, we had a plan to visit a patient of ours in a nearby village. we didn’t have a clear address or phone number. as we drove down the road, we encountered what appeared to be a lake; overtaking the whole road. SO much water! yet we saw another moto driver coming our way, which meant the water wasn’t too deep- we could move forward! we kept driving; stopping along the way, asking various people “do you know where so and so lives?” someone said her house had a red roof. so then the question changed to, “do you know where the house with the red roof is?” we kept being directed forward. by this point, I have learned not to doubt that my teammates know how to navigate the remote village roads. it might take awhile, but we seem to always arrive. but we didn’t arrive at the house with the red roof. instead, we encountered another “lake” that had overtaken the road. and there she was, our patient. chest high in the deep water, washing her clothes with a neighbor!

this week, my longing for fall baking in America took me to the market, in order to buy a pumpkin. I was determined to at least try to go all out and bake at least one thing this season with fresh pumpkin, since I didn’t have the option of using canned. it might have been a bit more work (cutting, boiling, and pureeing!) and the batter looked really awful, honestly. I wondered if I had made a big mistake about halfway through. but, I was delighted to remove the bread from the oven, and it looked and tasted exactly like I remembered! today I brought some of the pumpkin muffins I made to a few Cambodian friends. I was not sure if they would like them or not. they were the most interested to understand the baking process- but I think they were a bit afraid to actually taste them! In Cambodian language if you don’t like something, it literally translates to “I don’t know how to eat it” They all said that they “were able" to eat them; but I don’t know if I would say they were a huge hit. I think the excitement was more about baking a sweet using pumpkin. the best comment; “they smell like Chinese medicine.”

;)

how to describe cinnamon to someone who has never tasted it...!?

new day

waking up to a gray sky
and rain

[love]

drops fall from the leaves over my head
on my face along the road
cool air
long sleeves
hot espresso
music
watching people
the Word of God
alive, new
around me,
in my heart

“Behold, I am making all things new...” Revelation 21:5

friendly

one thing I love about Cambodia is the curiosity and warmth of so many people. many young people especially are not afraid to be friendly and practice their English, or just to talk to a white girl... or because they are curious or surprised that I can say even a few words in their language.

tonight I went to a shop I had never been to so I could buy phone credit. two young women were leaving as I was arriving, and overheard me talking to the seller. as I was leaving, they were waiting outside for me. "oh, sister! your khmer is so clear. how long have you been here?" and on and on she went... we chatted for a few minutes about work, school, and where she was off to tonight.

"do you have a phone?" she asked. I laughed as she asked for my phone number. we have never met. and honestly, this happens all the time! sometimes I reveal my number, sometimes not. only some of the time do I get calls back, or cute texts in hard to understand English.

I can't help but smile; when else would you be asked for your phone number from a complete stranger? (or give it?!)
and I always laugh, thinking, 'if only I could find a boyfriend this easily...' ;)

alone [and not]

in my mind it began very clearly as I sat in one of the middle seats. I was by myself, but this time it felt different. more unwelcome. I was deeply lonely. I was surrounded by other people, but I was alone. It was the most alone I had ever felt. I was leaving behind a community and I felt pain that was strong enough to make me feel as if my heart was breaking. “oh Father, I know I am not truly alone…” I whispered in my heart. and I did know. but it was really hard- and painfully lonely.

that day seemingly began a journey of a different kind of alone-ness; one that I had not yet discovered. one with hills, valleys, and plains that I have traveled ever since. many times I have been surprised at how perhaps I should feel lonely, but I don’t. connections and friendships came out of nowhere, as if He was holding me close. and in the silence and quiet, I have grown. I have grown to require this space, which I delight in.

other times, I have days of dark- I have wondered how I would move forward. some days, I felt [and feel] stuck. unable to gain perspective. my independence is no longer a joy. sometimes it just hurts.

but with each step [or lack thereof] my Father is there.

the alone shows up in different ways and in different circumstances; sometimes I fight tears and sometimes not; sometimes I’m honest, and other times I can’t believe I let these thoughts escape my head and make it on to paper…

the psalmist says, ‘he sets the lonely in families,’ and ‘he gives the childless woman a family, making her a happy mother.’ [psalms 113, 68]

Father, I don’t always understand, but I trust.

and I know that I am not even alone in these thoughts.
I know there are others who share them; and for today anyway, I’m not afraid to write them down and give them life.

September; a new beginning?

I want to write more…

I don’t even know where to begin, but I think I need to start by just writing; and not worry what about..

yesterday I was driving my moto down the main road in Poipet in the morning. out of the corner of my eye, I saw I someone slowly running down the side of the street; I realized it was a completely naked woman, holding a pair of jeans. she looked so disoriented, her face pained; as she continued forward, oblivious…

It happened so quickly that I was down the road quite a way before I realized what I had just witnessed. even now, I don’t know what I could have done differently, but I can’t get the scene out of my head.

lost. alone.

these are the words that keep coming to mind when her I think of her. I didn’t notice a reaction of any people around her, but I wonder how others saw her. did they feel pity? did they laugh? did anyone dare to try to help her; this disheveled individual who obviously didn’t fit in their conservative culture?

an adult who seemed so neglected and forgotten. she is His child, I thought. I wanted so much for her to be cared for and looked after; to not feel alone. I wondered where her mind was. I wondered what I could do. I think I will always struggle; wanting to love in these situations and not knowing how.

hours later, I sat in a van in Bangkok traffic praying and listening to music, as we weaved in and out of a sea of cars, trucks, and flashing lights. I was seemingly transformed to a different world; but I still had this image of this naked woman, wandering aimless down the street.

I am trying to listen, but I don’t have an conclusion yet…

snapshots from August 1

today was such a great beginning

to a new month!

new chapter on the journey

As much of the work within medicine may be familiar and comfortable to me, I want to be sensitive to the needs of those around me and not stop at involvement in obvious medical need. This is not the main issue, and yet I feel so grateful to have been given a door by which to enter into the lives of those around me.

This past week, a few of us gathered outside a house, a very simple shack on borrowed land. As I listened to one of my patients share, the young woman who called this place home, my mind raced. She cried a little, telling us of her feelings of hopelessness. She told us how her husband had left and she was alone. She was young, jobless, and poor. She had just been diagnosed with cancer a few days before.

What was next? Maybe surgery? But there wasn’t enough money. Yet, with what value do we measure her life?

God, you are a God of justice. Give us wisdom. Where do we go from here?

We offered what support we could with our words and presence. I honestly wondered if it even mattered. I wondered if she saw us as only rich workers in an organization who had the power to help-- but would only sit with her, offering words, which didn’t feel like enough…

Is this a place for questioning? And judgment is unfortunately too easy…

I know there are more questions to ask.

I know this is only the beginning of our involvement in this one life.

And I know that I have only just begun a new chapter in the journey; where once again I have the privilege of getting up close and personal with many who hurt.

So I pray against being callous and hardened- against getting ‘used to’ the poverty of hopelessness around me, because through Jesus we have been offered more. Tears fall when I recall these situations, and even though I am tired of my emotions always revealed, I don’t want the tears to stop when I am no longer ‘new’ at this job. Even though I have only just met her, I will remind myself that it is okay to cry. She is His child. He loves her deeply.

He has given us hope in what is bigger than the feelings of despair that often seem to prevail in this community, and I will continue to shed tears for those He loves, and cling to Hope.

I do have confidence in His promises unfolding and in His love. For this woman, her neighbors, and for us, too; as we do our best to make His hope and justice come on earth as it is in Heaven.

‘We know what real love is because Jesus gave up his life for us. So we also ought to give up our lives for our brothers and sisters. If someone has enough money to live well and sees a brother or sister in need but shows no compassion- how can God’s love be in that person? Dear children, let’s not merely say that we love each other; let us show the truth by our actions.’ 1 John 3:16-18

year 2

…though they may surround me like lions

and crush me on all sides,

I may fall, but I will rise

not by my might, or my power, or by the strength of souls

only by Your love, my Lord.

[rise, josh garrels]

I have finished my first full week of work in Cambodia! And as I begin year two, I can say that I feel confident I am right where God wants me for this period of life. I am excited to work in a role where I very much feel like I ‘fit’ and really look forward to getting to know some of my patients, as well as better knowing those I work with.

In the past weeks, many thoughts have been swirling around in my mind. I want to write, but I often can’t find the words...

I am thinking lots, praying lots, (although there is always room for more… )

more soon….

visiting a patient at her home this past week

3am haiku

awake in the dark
sleepless lonely and thinking
waiting for the light

what I read today

'Our Christian habit is to bewail the world's deteriorating standards with an air of self-righteous dismay. We criticize its violence, dishonesty, immorality, disregard for human life, and materialistic greed. "The world is going down the drain," we say with a shrug. But whose fault is it? Who is to blame? Let me put it like this. If the house is dark when nightfall comes, there is no sense in blaming the house, for that is what happens when the sun goies down. The question to ask is "Where is the light?" If the meat goes bad and becomes inedible, there is no sense in blaming the meat, for that is what happens when bacteria are left alone to breed. The question to ask is "Where is the salt?" Just so, if society deteriorates and its standards decline, till it becomes like a dark night or stinking fish, there is no sense in blaming society, for that is what happens when fallen men and women are left to themselves, and when human selfishness is unchecked. The question to ask is "Where is the church? Why are the salt and light of Jesus Christ not permeating and changing our society?" It is sheer hypocrisy on our part to raise our eyebrows, shrug our shoulders or wring our hands. The Lord Jesus told us to be the world's salt and light. If therefore darkness and rottenness abound, it is our fault and we must accept the blame.'
-John Stott

caught; running (forward)

the air hits me cold
my senses are alive
with the newness of
this time
this day
this step

my feet, numb. heavy. clumsy.
beat on the uneven path
worn away by the footprints
of all who have run before
and by the rain of yesterday
as the rocks protrude
smooth and flat
large and sharp
they threaten to ruin my steps forward
but on I move
up the hills, through the rocks
further along

I am caught
between the rains of yesterday
which have drowned my path
the rocks which threaten to destroy my footing

and the canopy of new life overhead
glowing green details dancing in the wind
the blue brightness tries to take over the gray
puffy white mixes with vibrant beams
that light up the water under my feet like a mirror
each step catches my breath
as I wipe the sweat
yet fly faster, now downhill
aware of my steps
and how pieces of the canopy have fallen like confetti

under my feet
pieces of light
decorate the dark muddy path
as my steps go on, slapping the water

the damp dead of yesterday

has been overcome by new life falling down from overhead

and my pace

now light and quick,

finds glory in this place

where I am

caught.

smiles and memories from the past year

update

‘And he will startle many nations. Kings will stand speechless in his presence. For they will see what they had not been told; they will understand what they had not heard about.’ Isaiah 52:15

This morning I received an email from a Cambodian friend. She has been emailing me consistently the past week and a half; sharing her joys and struggles as she begins a new life as a follower of Jesus. She has been learning about the person of Christ for a while now, as well as reading the Bible and asking lots of questions. The last time we spoke in person, she told me, “I just have so many questions, and so many things I don’t understand.” I told her it was ok to ask questions and not understand everything… keep asking, keep reading, and keep looking…

She has emailed me many questions- regarding persecution, and how to understand God’s plan for the world, amongst a few. And now she shares about how she is doing well, because God has given her peace and joy. She asks for prayer, that her mother and sister would keep reading their Bibles and trying to understand God, too- as well as prayer for the rest of her family who thinks it is not appropriate to follow Jesus. “Thank you, sister, for helping me to get close to God. Sister, I miss you...” she writes in closing.

I stand humbled and amazed that God would allow me to witness transformation in this young woman. I am honored to receive these emails, pray with and for her, and share conversation; whether it be in person or by email. What a joy to share the hope and peace of Christ with this sister who is so eager to learn and grow in knowledge.

I arrived in America via Portland Oregon two weeks ago! This is a time for me to connect with many of you (as many as possible!) as well as rest a little, hug my family, and pray and make some arrangements for my return to Cambodia in July. I will be in Oregon until early June, and Minnesota until early July.

Prior to my return to the US, I was able to attend the annual Pioneers retreat for SE Asia in Thailand. It was truly a gift to meet together, encourage one another and be encouraged as we shared stories of what God is doing in our lives and in the lives of those we live and work amongst.

Please pray for my friend and her family who are for the first time ‘seeing what they had not (yet) been told’ and ‘understanding what they had not (yet) heard about’

I rejoice that we have a Savior in Jesus who pursues us, and who ‘bore the sins of many and interceded for rebels (us!).’ (Isaiah 53:12) Please join me in prayer for my friend who is just beginning her journey of faith and understanding of Jesus and his love for her.

Please also join me in prayer for many uncertain details of my work role when I return to Cambodia in July. There are many specific things that must be in place and made clear before I will begin working full time; pray that the Lord would clarify each step as I work through the details during this time.

tulips outside my house in Oregon!

loving spending time with baby Luke! (and his family!)

forgive-forgave-forgiven

The text for the English lesson was found in the gospel of John. Chapter eight, about the woman who was caught in adultery. The text is in simplified English, but the story is the same. The woman is caught in the midst of her sin. “a wrong and wicked thing” according to the Easy English text. The leaders want to stone her to death; Jesus turns it around. “Whoever has never done anything wrong may throw a stone.” he says. The leaders walk away, Jesus confronts the woman- with forgiveness.

I wrote these words on the white board:
forgive= forgave (past tense)
Ex)
Will you forgive me?
Jesus forgave the woman.
He forgives us.

And then I realized that I not only wrote a few short sentences with the different tenses of the word “forgive,” but I had the opportunity to talk about forgiveness too! Because this is not only the text we use to learn new words in English, but it’s a really incredible and powerful story. It’s true, and real, and alive! I believe the text in these Easy English lessons has the power to change the lives of those who hear it; it is so much greater than just an English lesson. What JOY I have discovered in being able to share about the miracles of Jesus with some women who are so eager to learn.
Just one of the things I have been up to these past weeks.. . ;)

adopted

(thanks Jen, this is beautiful... and I don't believe other words are necessary)

guest blog

I can't help but re-post this blog I read this morning from a young woman whose faith and walk with Christ continues to reach in and grab my heart. Younger than me, and a single mother of 14 daughters in Uganda, she is yet another example that truly anything Jesus asks of us is possible. When He calls; He also equips. He has used her story to get my attention, today being just one of the days...

It can be found here
( The Journey; www.kissesfromkatie.blogspot.com/)


“Jesus! Mama, baby Jesus! I want to see! I want to see Jesus!,” shrieks my littlest darling.

How can I refuse? I lift her, for what seems like the hundredth time this morning, to the manger scene on the living room bookshelf. She gazes in wonder, oohs and ahs, gingerly fingering the cornhusk baby in his twig and banana fiber trough.

“Jesus, Mama,” she whispers.

And so, the nativity scene that once was packed away each year after Christmas remains on the bookshelf still, because my darling baby, in all her wondrous excitement reminds me daily of who I want to be, the kind of life I want to live.

A wide-eyed, expectant child, gazing in wonder on a beautiful Savior.

In the middle of a broken, sin-crushed world, my soul cries out, “I want to see! I want to see Jesus!”

I want to see Jesus.

My darling Karimojong sister Maria, who is battling severe, gripping alcoholism, and her sweet baby are living with us still. People wonder, even gasp, that I would let her join us at our table. Isn’t she a poor example? Why would I subject my girls to that?

I want to see Jesus.

Newborn baby Noah snuggles to my chest as his mother lays dying in a hospital bed. He cried through the night and I feed him and kiss his pink toes and pray over his little life. Why do I do it? Don’t I have my hands full enough already?

I want to see Jesus.

Zulaika, her severely malnourished baby and her 8 year old daughter move into our home while we teach Zulaika how to care for her children and find her a job so she can continue to do so. They have lice. They do not bathe. Fear creeps up the back of my throat and I wonder, what if all my children get sick? But we have taken in sick people before, and each time He hedges us in protection. People ask, do I feel that I am being responsible?

I want to see Jesus.

Jane and her birth mom spend the weekend in our guest room. I figure if I cannot parent this my daughter, the least I can do is teach her mother about our Savior, invest time in their lives, pray over them while we love them. My heart breaks in two as her high pitched, breathy giggle once more fills my home and the pain threatens to paralyze me, but I won't let it.

I want to see Jesus.

Strangers eat at our table, bathe in our showers, sleep in our beds, share our everything. And I fleetingly wonder if it wouldn’t be better for my girls if I maintained some semblance of normal, but He shows me that HIS definition of family is not at all limited by my own.

I want to see Jesus.

I want to see Jesus and if I don’t step out, how can He come in? If I don’t give all of myself, my home, even my family, how will He be magnified?

Do I want my children to be safe? Absolutely. Do I want them to have a “normal” family dinner sometimes and be healthy and not be subject to the rage of an alcoholic or the hurt of friends dying and siblings leaving? Of course. But more than that I want to take a cue from my baby girl.

I want to whisper to them excitedly each morning, “Look, Jesus.”

I want them to see Jesus. In my life. In my actions. Lifted High. Magnified. In our neighbors, no matter how sick or dirty. In our home.

I want the best for my children, I do. And I believe with all my heart what is best is for them to have a mother – a crazy mother even – wide-eyed in wonder, recklessly chasing after her Savior.

More of Him. We want to see Jesus.

just writing...

‘For the Lord hears the cries of the needy; he does not despise his imprisoned people.’ Psalm 69:33

Over the weekend, I met a young woman who shared her story with me. She saw the cross tattoo on my foot, and asked me if I was a Christian. Me too, she said. And so we began to talk…I learned she has been a Christian for 10 years. She first learned about Jesus when she was living in her home village, as a child. She has a two-year-old son, and is already widow; at twenty-six years old. Her son lives with a relative a few hours away. I didn’t understand why, but perhaps she isn’t around enough to care for him. She works from 9am to midnight; everyday of the week, every day of the month- with one day off each month. She earns $40 a month, giving massages to foreigners. She has worked this job for the past two and a half years. It’s difficult though, she says, because she is the only provider in her house, and rent is $35 a month. The only way she can provide for her family is through her tips. On an average day, she says she has 3-5 customers. She is the sole provider for her mother and young brother, whom she shares the house (one room) with. Her father was killed during the Khmer rouge.

She wasn’t looking for pity. She wouldn’t say she was going without and she actually has many good things in her life, she said. She communicated with me not feeling sorry for herself, just openly sharing the facts, and seemed more than happy to chat with an interested stranger.

I am still thinking about her. Her story is not unusual. It is all too ordinary. Long hours. Low pay. Working every day. Poor and often illegal working conditions. Children being cared for by someone else. Families separated. Loss of a spouse. Day to day survival. No money saved; no extra money at all…

I wonder what it means for her to follow Jesus. I wonder how she understands His promises differently than I do. I will never understand why I am in the place I am, and her daily life often seems like a half a world away; even as we converse in the same room. Hers is a life I can’t even fathom, honestly. I do know, though, that I am deeply responsible and accountable for how I love and care for her and those like her. And I want to learn and understand more about what this responsibility means, and what it looks like practically. This is one of the difficulties and yet indescribable privileges to living in Cambodia for me. What a joy it was for me even to be able to have this conversation. What a joy it is to get to meet and know people here, and listen to their stories. And I will continue to struggle though the thoughts and questions and prayers, which don’t often have answers. But I want to be aware. And I want to remember those I am surrounded by who have struggles that I may never understand.

‘He will rescue the poor when they cry to him; he will help the oppressed, who have no one to defend them.

He feels pity for the weak and the needy, and HE WILL RESCUE THEM.

He will redeem them from oppression and violence, for THEIR LIVES ARE PRECIOUS TO HIM.’
Psalm 72: 12-14

'but I trust in your unfailing love. I will rejoice because you have rescued me.' psalm 13:5