"Please don't kill the child. I want the child. Please give me the child. I am willing to accept any child who would be aborted, and to give that child to a married couple who will love the child…” Mother Teresa
Recently those words came to mind; after reading them in a book over ten years ago. I was challenged to say them out loud in some form, if I ever had the opportunity. When was I going to have that opportunity? I don't know. I might be a bit on the liberal side; and still I believe it would be an honor and a privilege to be a part of that kind of dialogue.
Last week I heard that my patient had aborted her baby.
'I didn't want it,' she said.
I keep thinking about her. I wish I could have heard her heart first.
And shared mine too.
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Sunday, February 12, 2012
enough.
I’m turning 30 in a few months. I have had a few near freak-out moments; seriously wondering what the next 10 years of my life might look like [not to mention the next year!] and feeling SO old. Being single, without children, and living in another country are enough to make me feel a bit of panic and wonder for just a brief moment what the Lord is really up to…
But I trust. I really honestly trust.
My wise friend J said something a few months ago that I keep coming back to.
‘The older I get, the more I realize I need to spend my life on things that matter. I don’t know how much time I have- I want all of the work I do to count. I don’t have time to waste.’
Not profound, but I keep thinking about it. Sometimes it feels like I have missed something all this time. But I know; we never get all the details or the whole story at the beginning…
Today the glimpse became more and more clear. I think today it became more of a vision. Although I still don’t know how it’s going to happen. I don’t know any of the details. Not even one.
I feel this tremendous sense of joy because some things are making a little sense; and also I’m left to wonder- why is this happening now?
I have a lot more questions than answers. Yet He keeps reminding me; He is ENOUGH.
He is enough when there are questions without answers, when I am incapable, and when I don’t even know which country I will live in a year from now.
When He asks things of me that don't make sense and seem quite impossible; He is enough.
When I know I will be met with the criticism, questions, and doubts of others; He is enough.
Then the word of the Lord came to him, saying, “Arise, go to Zarephath, which belongs to Sidon, and stay there; behold, I have commanded a widow there to provide for you.” So he arose and went to Zarephath, and when he came to the gate of the city, behold, a widow was there gathering sticks; and he called to her and said, “Please get me a little water in a jar, that I may drink.” As she was going to get it, he called to her and said, “Please bring me a piece of bread in your hand.” But she said, “As the Lord your God lives, I have no bread, only a handful of flour in the bowl and a little oil in the jar; and behold, I am gathering a few sticks that I may go in and prepare for me and my son, that we may eat it and die.”
Then Elijah said to her, “Do not fear; go, do as you have said, but make me a little bread cake from it first and bring it out to me, and afterward you may make one for yourself and for your son. For thus says the Lord God of Israel, ‘The bowl of flour shall not be exhausted, nor shall the jar of oil be empty, until the day that the Lord sends rain on the face of the earth.’” So she went and did according to the word of Elijah, and she and he and her household ate for many days. The bowl of flour was not exhausted nor did the jar of oil become empty, according to the word of the Lord which He spoke through Elijah.
1 Kings 17:8-16
He is enough.
But I trust. I really honestly trust.
My wise friend J said something a few months ago that I keep coming back to.
‘The older I get, the more I realize I need to spend my life on things that matter. I don’t know how much time I have- I want all of the work I do to count. I don’t have time to waste.’
Not profound, but I keep thinking about it. Sometimes it feels like I have missed something all this time. But I know; we never get all the details or the whole story at the beginning…
Today the glimpse became more and more clear. I think today it became more of a vision. Although I still don’t know how it’s going to happen. I don’t know any of the details. Not even one.
I feel this tremendous sense of joy because some things are making a little sense; and also I’m left to wonder- why is this happening now?
I have a lot more questions than answers. Yet He keeps reminding me; He is ENOUGH.
He is enough when there are questions without answers, when I am incapable, and when I don’t even know which country I will live in a year from now.
When He asks things of me that don't make sense and seem quite impossible; He is enough.
When I know I will be met with the criticism, questions, and doubts of others; He is enough.
Then the word of the Lord came to him, saying, “Arise, go to Zarephath, which belongs to Sidon, and stay there; behold, I have commanded a widow there to provide for you.” So he arose and went to Zarephath, and when he came to the gate of the city, behold, a widow was there gathering sticks; and he called to her and said, “Please get me a little water in a jar, that I may drink.” As she was going to get it, he called to her and said, “Please bring me a piece of bread in your hand.” But she said, “As the Lord your God lives, I have no bread, only a handful of flour in the bowl and a little oil in the jar; and behold, I am gathering a few sticks that I may go in and prepare for me and my son, that we may eat it and die.”
Then Elijah said to her, “Do not fear; go, do as you have said, but make me a little bread cake from it first and bring it out to me, and afterward you may make one for yourself and for your son. For thus says the Lord God of Israel, ‘The bowl of flour shall not be exhausted, nor shall the jar of oil be empty, until the day that the Lord sends rain on the face of the earth.’” So she went and did according to the word of Elijah, and she and he and her household ate for many days. The bowl of flour was not exhausted nor did the jar of oil become empty, according to the word of the Lord which He spoke through Elijah.
1 Kings 17:8-16
He is enough.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
busy clinic
say good morning to six patients who are already waiting inside when we arrive. change flip flops. help sweep the floors and wipe down the tables and surfaces that got dusty over the weekend. set up the ultrasound machine. change the linen on the exam table. turn on the fan. pray together as a team. go back out to the waiting room and welcome another three patients that have arrived. call the first patient forward. check their weight and vital signs. ask some questions about how they’ve been feeling. record information in their notebook. bring the first patient back to meet the doctor. meet with each follow-up and new patient that is waiting to be seen; repeat previous process. get interrupted multiple times to make follow up appointments and draw blood samples for the first patients after their doctor visit is finished. record labs in the book. give the child waiting with his mom a piece of candy. realize the air conditioner in the office is leaking water. ask my teammate if he knows how to fix it. turn the fan on higher. answer personal questions about my weight and marital status. ask the shy 17 year old new patient for a urine sample. show her where the bathroom is as she nervously laughs. answer questions of my teammates. [we have too many patients, should we tell some to come back after lunch??] continue screening new patients. take their photo for our computer chart. examine their neck for a mass. listen to the 135 beats/minute heartbeat of seriously ill young woman. find enough medication for the cancer patient on hospice. check another urine sample. find more 10cc syringes when we run out of syringes in the cabinet. listen to my teammate give another ‘iodine talk.' print off more follow-up forms when we run out. make copies of the other clinic forms. stop when the printer ink runs out. see the smile of the woman who is now on correct medications after two years of wondering what is wrong with her. refill the water in the refrigerator. schedule another patient for an FNA (fine-needle aspiration) in April. attempt to make the FNA schedule reasonable. check the calendar again.. what day was that? answer other questions. realize I haven’t had any water all morning. drink water. take a deep breath.
whew.
this is a busy morning at the clinic….;)
whew.
this is a busy morning at the clinic….;)
Sunday, February 5, 2012
cheers
Today at church we celebrated communion together. A young man walked back to his seat holding a tiny cup of juice and the piece of bread he had just received. I watched with complete shock as he stopped near one of his friends, paused, and held up the tiny plastic cup with a big smile, and said “cheers!” as they clicked the plastic cups together.
I was immediately taken back to the strict teaching I received growing up in the Catholic Church. Under no circumstances do you smile, laugh, or even interact with anyone during this time. Bow your head, fold your hands, and don't say anything. Respect and reverence were taught and were of upmost importance for us as children in Catholic school.
I had to smile inside though.
I don’t think he meant to be disrespectful. I don’t know what he was thinking. But perhaps for him this time was just that; an occasion for celebration. A time for a big smile, and to share this special gift with a friend. An occasion to rejoice. To say “cheers” in the middle of church.
I looked down at the florescent red juice and the bit of dry bread in my hands.
It wasn’t the red wine and special cross-imprinted round wafer that was once so familiar to me.
On this ordinary Sunday morning somewhere in the middle of Southeast Asia, here we were.
The body of Christ.
The grown man behind me was wearing what looked like boxer shorts with cartoon characters on them. The woman near him was in her best traditional clothes. A little boy sat on the floor near my feet chewing on a piece of fruit; it’s juice dripping over his dirty feet and making small muddy puddles on the tile. The children in the front sang in their loudest voices. And the oldest man in church sat quietly in the front playing the bass guitar.
Most in the room would be considered poor by the world’s standards. Many don’t know how to read. Most didn’t grow up learning strict rules of respect and reverence when it comes to a relationship with God. Most of these people just show up as they are; trusting that God will meet them there.
I find it really beautiful.
So despite my initial shock of the ‘inappropriate behavior’ displayed, I found great joy and a smile in my heart as we celebrated the gift of God to us this morning in church.
Cheers.
I was immediately taken back to the strict teaching I received growing up in the Catholic Church. Under no circumstances do you smile, laugh, or even interact with anyone during this time. Bow your head, fold your hands, and don't say anything. Respect and reverence were taught and were of upmost importance for us as children in Catholic school.
I had to smile inside though.
I don’t think he meant to be disrespectful. I don’t know what he was thinking. But perhaps for him this time was just that; an occasion for celebration. A time for a big smile, and to share this special gift with a friend. An occasion to rejoice. To say “cheers” in the middle of church.
I looked down at the florescent red juice and the bit of dry bread in my hands.
It wasn’t the red wine and special cross-imprinted round wafer that was once so familiar to me.
On this ordinary Sunday morning somewhere in the middle of Southeast Asia, here we were.
The body of Christ.
The grown man behind me was wearing what looked like boxer shorts with cartoon characters on them. The woman near him was in her best traditional clothes. A little boy sat on the floor near my feet chewing on a piece of fruit; it’s juice dripping over his dirty feet and making small muddy puddles on the tile. The children in the front sang in their loudest voices. And the oldest man in church sat quietly in the front playing the bass guitar.
Most in the room would be considered poor by the world’s standards. Many don’t know how to read. Most didn’t grow up learning strict rules of respect and reverence when it comes to a relationship with God. Most of these people just show up as they are; trusting that God will meet them there.
I find it really beautiful.
So despite my initial shock of the ‘inappropriate behavior’ displayed, I found great joy and a smile in my heart as we celebrated the gift of God to us this morning in church.
Cheers.
Saturday, February 4, 2012
a glimpse
For a reason unknown to me, the Lord has placed a particular issue on my heart for as long as I can remember. I figured it would be significant in my life at some point- and yet it still doesn't make much sense to me.
This past year especially, He brings it to mind again and again. In different ways, through different circumstances, different people. I read stories about people I have never met, and find myself in tears often. Sometimes I still wonder why.
'Are you willing?' He seems to ask me.
'Are you willing as you are right now...?'
'Yes, Lord, I am willing.' Even though I don't understand where this is going...
I still don't know.
And yet, I wait.
I have caught a glimpse of the beginning of a new chapter on this journey. He doesn't tell me what to expect, but I think He has made it clear that it won't be easy. I think it might look like nights with little sleep. Lots of prayer and early mornings. Learning; and learning again. Being uncomfortable. Frustration, pain, tears. A loss of freedom and a change in lifestyle.
This past year I have been praying about sacrifice, selfishness, and control.
I like control.
I am selfish.
I want to live sacrificially.
Although I have the ultimate example, I am not really good at any of this...and I want to learn. For a long time now, I have had this longing to give of myself. To REALLY give. Yes, I have given. Somewhat. Yet I continue to sense that this isn't quite it- there is something else. I haven't discovered it yet. But I have prayed. I have asked. I have waited.
I am still waiting.
I still don't know where this is going; but for today, I am thankful for the glimpse.
This past year especially, He brings it to mind again and again. In different ways, through different circumstances, different people. I read stories about people I have never met, and find myself in tears often. Sometimes I still wonder why.
'Are you willing?' He seems to ask me.
'Are you willing as you are right now...?'
'Yes, Lord, I am willing.' Even though I don't understand where this is going...
I still don't know.
And yet, I wait.
I have caught a glimpse of the beginning of a new chapter on this journey. He doesn't tell me what to expect, but I think He has made it clear that it won't be easy. I think it might look like nights with little sleep. Lots of prayer and early mornings. Learning; and learning again. Being uncomfortable. Frustration, pain, tears. A loss of freedom and a change in lifestyle.
This past year I have been praying about sacrifice, selfishness, and control.
I like control.
I am selfish.
I want to live sacrificially.
Although I have the ultimate example, I am not really good at any of this...and I want to learn. For a long time now, I have had this longing to give of myself. To REALLY give. Yes, I have given. Somewhat. Yet I continue to sense that this isn't quite it- there is something else. I haven't discovered it yet. But I have prayed. I have asked. I have waited.
I am still waiting.
I still don't know where this is going; but for today, I am thankful for the glimpse.
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