journey

He opened up my eyes and heart,
bringing further clarity and direction to my gifts and purpose.

my heart burst with excitement
as I pondered and prayed about what form
these visions might take

for months I waited and prayed,
as I sensed what was beginning to unfold.
I had an idea;
but at first I remained uncommitted and objective

hesitant to commit; or to let my heart go there.

yet deep down; I knew this was it.
at least the work and the purpose

maybe the form would change;

but I couldn’t imagine work I would rather do.

I found myself wondering
how did I miss it
all this time…?

and there it was-
the opportunity I was hoping for
offered;
only waiting for acceptance.

I rejoiced
and slowly allowed my heart to open.
for awhile I remained in this space
of expectation and joy

and then

He said no.
this wasn’t it.
not now.

I thought it was perfect.
He said it wasn’t.

the vision remains
but the job;
no longer an option.

I don’t know why.

I don’t know where I am going.

for now, I mourn and wait.

overcome

You said there were bigger problems than being paralyzed.

'your sins are forgiven.'

You have overcome sin.
I stand in awe.

Even when I can't feel it.

Even when people die in bloody traffic accidents; or from cancer in a quiet village.
When our attitudes get in the way of your command to love.
When men like Kony are still at work, and wars are being fought.
When I drive through the slum after dark, and I can't imagine calling it home.

Why? [not?]
When I cry because I don't know what any of it means, or what I am doing here.

When loneliness, tears, depression, and illness seem to have had the last word.

I stand on the promises of Jesus; He who has been here before. Who has overcome all of this [sin] He who has [absolute and final] authority. I believe it.

Jesus climbed into a boat and went back across the lake to his own town. Some people brought to him a paralyzed man on a mat. Seeing their faith, Jesus said to the paralyzed man, “Be encouraged, my child! Your sins are forgiven.” But some of the teachers of religious law said to themselves, “That’s blasphemy! Does he think he’s God?” Jesus knew what they were thinking, so he asked them, “Why do you have such evil thoughts in your hearts? Is it easier to say ‘Your sins are forgiven,’ or ‘Stand up and walk’? So I will prove to you that the Son of Man has the authority on earth to forgive sins.” Then Jesus turned to the paralyzed man and said, “Stand up, pick up your mat, and go home!” And the man jumped up and went home! Fear swept through the crowd as they saw this happen. And they praised God for sending a man with such great authority.' Matthew 9:1-8