sharing bread

This morning I awoke at 5:20 to the monks chanting. I wasn’t planning to exercise, but since I was awake anyway, I figured I would. I didn’t feel like running, so I decided to go for a bike ride. The idea to buy some bread from a street seller also occurred to me, which made it even more tempting to get out of bed! I tucked some money in my pocket and set out around 6am. Cambodia is great because even seemingly out in the middle of nowhere at this early hour, there are many other people out, too. Children are walking to school. People are cooking rice. Smells of food grilling fill the air. I didn’t know where the bread seller would be, but I rode until I found one. I bought two loaves, without really thinking about it. I rode home, and as I passed some kids playing in the road, wondered if they had eaten breakfast. I kept riding, having already passed them, but decided that I should share my bread. When I got back, I put my bike inside the gate and came out to say hi to the neighbors. Only two of them were out, but I had met all of them just a few days before and wanted to say hi. One woman was sitting on a bed with her little baby girl, and asked me to sit down. I asked her if she liked bread, and said I wanted her to have some. I have two, I only need one... She thanked me, and we chatted a bit. Did you exercise? Yes. Usually I like to run, but today I rode bike instead. Now I am very hot… On we chatted, until soon, the whole family (and whoever else was around) came over to sit by us. One man asked me my name. One of the other women chimed in. She remembered my name from when I met her a few days ago. I was so impressed! She let me hold her baby. She is seven months old, she told me- and beautiful and smelled like baby powder. She smiled at me, too. It was such a great morning, chatting with these warm people. It wasn’t even the conversation (it was quite broken ;) as much as the idea that I could pause to chat with neighbors, be invited ‘inside’ and be asked to sit down and welcomed all before 7am. Thanks God- You blessed me this morning. I may have to get some more bread to share tomorrow.

5037 drops of joy

Oh how I miss you girls and life at the 5037...

encouragement

yesterday I was walking around the border crossing area of Poipet by myself. I was on my way to one of the casinos to meet Mitch and Alyssa for coffee. There were lots of tourists crossing through customs at the time, but I was quite far off from them, as I walked a different direction. Soon two police officers waved me over to them, looking distressed and annoyed. ‘Give me your passport’ one of them said to me, only half in English. In Khmer I told him, “I’m sorry, I don’t have my passport with me.” I wasn’t able to continue before he said, “Why not? Where are you going? Where do you come from?” They fired questions at me, but as they exchanged glances I could see they were less annoyed.
“I don’t have my passport because I live here. I work with an NGO here in Poipet.”
The whole tone of the conversation had changed and they smiled. “Ah! You speak Khmer so much, so well! You work with the NGO. Oh, very good, have a good day, see you later!”

I can’t say this is a typical interaction with the officers at the boarder when I pass through. But yesterday I was so encouraged! They only asked simple questions so I was able to answer them. I had given them the impression I live here, I work here, this is ‘normal’ for me. They didn’t need to know I have only just arrived and I actually know very little…!

paralyzed

I have been waking up between 5:30-6:30am everyday- on my own. I awake damp with sweat most days. I have high hopes and aspirations for each day; things I would like to do. Things I plan to do. Things I feel I ‘should’ do. But I feel lucky if I am able to ‘do’ even a few of these by the time the day is over. Honestly, IT IS JUST SO HOT! I am having a hard time doing much of anything.
I had forgotten what this feels like….

on the way -part 2

I am just another traveler in this little piece of time
I’m a drifter, I’m a seeker, waking to this thing called life

And I struggle like a baby for each little step I take
I’M LEARNING HOW TO WALK, on the way…

I am losing the familiar
I’m not sure of anything
Every new day, it’s a new world that’s quick to steal my dreams
But the path of least of resistance wasn’t meant for me to take
I’M LEARNING WHO I AM, on the way…

Still I fall and You reach
I am foolish,
So You teach
I wander but You stay
By my side on the way

This is not what I expected
It’s not everything I planned
But there’s beauty in this mystery I don’t have to understand
But I just have to keep on moving, not with vision, but with FAITH
I’M LEARNING HOW TO SEE, on the way

So I feel these blessed burdens, and these weights upon my feet
No one said it would be easy, or that I’d ever find my peace
But I’m moving with assurance through these fears and sweet mistakes
I’M LEARNING HOW TO LIVE, on the way…

On the Way, Elizabeth Hunnicutt

I blogged about this song awhile ago, but I can't help but post it again- THIS is my life.
these lyrics so clearly state the place I am in.

I struggle like a baby.
I'm learning how to walk.
I'm not sure of anything.
I just have to keep on moving (not with vision but with faith)
There's beauty in this mystery I don't have to understand.
I'm learning how to see.
I'm learning who I am.
I'm learning how to live.
I wander but You stay (by my side) on the way

I am so grateful someone could put my emotions to words and music!
(check out this song here)

beautiful things

‘Through him ALL things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. In him was LIFE, and that life was the LIGHT of men. The light SHINES in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it.’ John 1:3-5

Annie sent me the new Gungor album on itunes for my birthday. There is a really great song that I listened to over and over this morning on my run, and reflected on this place I am in- both physically in Cambodia as I adjust to a new culture, as well as the broader world that we all share. I thought about the One who put it all together; placed us in these spaces for this time. Although I seek to know Him and to know His ways, I still end up confused and lost and wonder what it all means. I still have questions about what my life here is really about.

But I still know and believe that He is LIFE. His life is LIGHT, which SHINES in this dark world even when I don’t understand how it all works. The reminder of this song- that not only does He make beautiful things in this dark world, but He makes US beautiful, too- is beautiful in itself and really beyond what I can grasp. I was able to witness hundreds of Khmer teenagers and young adults these past few days clap and cheer and praise Jesus in worship and in prayer. To know that this goes on, and to witness it is different- it was SO beautiful! I already knew that youth in Cambodia are coming to know Jesus in real and life changing ways. But to be able to be in the midst of a group of them was beyond beautiful. It didn’t take an understanding of the language to know that this LIGHT has given LIFE to many here. Things do still seem a bit strange and foreign and even ‘dark’. But the maker of ‘beautiful things’ SHINES in this darkness.

'all this pain
I wonder if I'll ever find my way
I wonder if my life could really change at all

all this earth
could all that is lost ever be found
could a garden come up from this ground at all

you make beautiful things
you make beautiful things out of the dust
you make beautiful things
you make beautiful things out of us

all around
hope is springing up from this soft ground
out of chaos life is being found in you

you make me new
you are making me new
you make me new
you are making me new'

beautiful things, gungor

thoughts after one week

It’s official~ I am back in the land of Cambodia, this time for a while. It is both a blessing to be here and a shock too. Not really different than I expected but more difficult.

I wouldn’t want to repeat the day I left my beautiful friends in Portland; the words scribbled in my journal recall my heart as I sat alone for the first time in awhile.

‘it is almost physically painful to cry and to ache and hurt for this season which has passed. I feel so loved, so cared for. I couldn’t ask for anything else as I move forward, but it still hurts. My eyes are burning and I can’t stop the tears. I remember the psalm which says, ‘you know each tear, each ache is written in your book.’ It is crazy comfort, yet doesn’t allow me to stop crying. I feel very alone.’

And now, in the last week I have moved in and started a life in what seems like a different world entirely. I fall asleep to lizards and a fan, underneath a mosquito net, and wake up to roosters behind my house. The heat in the house reminds me of a wet oven. I bathe three times a day because of the sweat that drips down my back. I don’t use a shower, but wash away the dust and sweat with a scoop and bucket. My feet are again bare and brown. I have been to the market more than the grocery store. My legs and feet burn with tingling and itching from the mosquito bites, which seem to multiply every day. Everywhere I go, I speak broken phases slowly in a language I still don’t usually understand.

Yet I find there is something oddly charming in this different world. I can’t explain it, or even give it words. I feel like God has given me a heart that loves this place, even though it is uncomfortable. A heart that smiles and breaks at the same time while looking out over the city in front of me. I am challenged to learn and grow in ways beyond what I can grasp or understand- just so I can love the people around me well. At first I didn’t know how I would move forward, or if I could. It is a bit easier now, but I still wonder. Literally, all I can do is cry out to God.

‘I don’t understand this. I know I am supposed to be here. I don’t understand why, or how I can do this. But I will try- because You ask. One minute, one hour, one day at a time.’

I learned it is different to say I trust God and desperately NEED Him, and actually be LIVING it. I am in desperate need of Him every day. It is NOT easy for me to be here right now. But it is real life- painful, raw, sweet, ugly, beautiful, and in my face.

And He knows me- and He knows my brothers and sisters who share this life with me here. And He is here, too.

“I will be glad and rejoice in your unfailing love, for you have seen my troubles, and care about the anguish of my soul. You have not handed me over to my enemies, but have set me in a safe place. …but I am trusting you, O Lord, saying, ‘You are my God! My future is in your hands.” psalm 31:7-8, 14-15