thoughts after one week

It’s official~ I am back in the land of Cambodia, this time for a while. It is both a blessing to be here and a shock too. Not really different than I expected but more difficult.

I wouldn’t want to repeat the day I left my beautiful friends in Portland; the words scribbled in my journal recall my heart as I sat alone for the first time in awhile.

‘it is almost physically painful to cry and to ache and hurt for this season which has passed. I feel so loved, so cared for. I couldn’t ask for anything else as I move forward, but it still hurts. My eyes are burning and I can’t stop the tears. I remember the psalm which says, ‘you know each tear, each ache is written in your book.’ It is crazy comfort, yet doesn’t allow me to stop crying. I feel very alone.’

And now, in the last week I have moved in and started a life in what seems like a different world entirely. I fall asleep to lizards and a fan, underneath a mosquito net, and wake up to roosters behind my house. The heat in the house reminds me of a wet oven. I bathe three times a day because of the sweat that drips down my back. I don’t use a shower, but wash away the dust and sweat with a scoop and bucket. My feet are again bare and brown. I have been to the market more than the grocery store. My legs and feet burn with tingling and itching from the mosquito bites, which seem to multiply every day. Everywhere I go, I speak broken phases slowly in a language I still don’t usually understand.

Yet I find there is something oddly charming in this different world. I can’t explain it, or even give it words. I feel like God has given me a heart that loves this place, even though it is uncomfortable. A heart that smiles and breaks at the same time while looking out over the city in front of me. I am challenged to learn and grow in ways beyond what I can grasp or understand- just so I can love the people around me well. At first I didn’t know how I would move forward, or if I could. It is a bit easier now, but I still wonder. Literally, all I can do is cry out to God.

‘I don’t understand this. I know I am supposed to be here. I don’t understand why, or how I can do this. But I will try- because You ask. One minute, one hour, one day at a time.’

I learned it is different to say I trust God and desperately NEED Him, and actually be LIVING it. I am in desperate need of Him every day. It is NOT easy for me to be here right now. But it is real life- painful, raw, sweet, ugly, beautiful, and in my face.

And He knows me- and He knows my brothers and sisters who share this life with me here. And He is here, too.

“I will be glad and rejoice in your unfailing love, for you have seen my troubles, and care about the anguish of my soul. You have not handed me over to my enemies, but have set me in a safe place. …but I am trusting you, O Lord, saying, ‘You are my God! My future is in your hands.” psalm 31:7-8, 14-15