just a few thoughts

So many words, thoughts, and emotions have been swirling around in my head these past months. I want to write, I need to write; but for whatever reason I don’t.

Today I am sitting here listening to old music and re-reading the first four chapters of ‘Blue Like Jazz’ –again for maybe the fourth time since I first discovered it seven years ago. Stories and thoughts of how Jesus is real; and yet faith in Christ is not something that can ever really be explained or put into words as such. As his friend in the story states- He has to happen to you…

Jesus happened to me quite a few years ago now. And still the pain and the brokenness and sin is still as real as it ever was; I am aware of it every day. I do believe He came to make me new; and to make everyone around me new too. It really is beautiful. And He has. And still life is hard, messy, painful because the story isn’t over yet.

There have been so many directions my heart has been pulled lately. But now I find myself rejoicing because I have peace. Deep, deep peace; that I know I wouldn’t have except that He gave it to me.  I went from panicked anxiety mixed with self doubt and failure to feeling full, alive, and hopeful.

A few days ago I purchased a one way ticket back to America. To Portland, a city that I absolutely love and think of as home. And still I wasn’t able to jump up and down with excitement. It isn’t yet real that I will soon leave this place, another version of home that I have come to know.  I am positive it will not be easy and lately I have had brief moments of anxiety when I think about how easy it is to transition to a culture that is so radically different than here; that I could easily feel like the life I am living now was only a dream.

And still there are small reminders that He has and will continue to redeem my living and working here for His glory, despite how it seems or feels to me. I know in theory I have made a difference; attempted to love. And most of the time it feels futile, or like I made too many mistakes. Earlier today I received one of the greatest compliments, though- which again reminded me that it really is ALL beyond my control and under His.

My teammate told me, ‘ I thought this a long time ago, but I realized I never told you. Before you leave to go back, I wanted to tell you that I like the way that you chose to be like the Khmer people, not just thinking about your own ways of doing things. You didn’t need things to be like the way you are used to, but you could do things like the way we do them. I don’t think about you like a foreign staff member, but I think of you like a Cambodian. You are like us. I can joke and have fun with you. You care so much about the people here; you talk to the children and call them cute- even if we don't think they are...’

My heart felt full and warm to hear these words. This was a tremendous compliment to me, and yet it seemed like nothing I would have expected to hear. I don’t often FEEL like I am much like my Cambodian teammates and neighbors. I hoped to show love and care to the people around me, but sometimes...

As I said before, the brokenness is real; in me as much as in the next person. 

By the grace of God, I have somehow communicated that love and care. And as I reflect on my time, comments like this remind me that He has used me, and that it was nothing that I did on my own.

Feeling grateful and filled with peace. Looking ahead with hope and expectation on all that is to come.