do. BE.

This is one of the more vulnerable blog posts I have written. It’s natural to write, but feels a little strange to post. But I want to be transparent and honest; because I think it is important to be real. I am overjoyed to be here, but it isn’t easy. I want to make it known that I am nothing without God my Savior. And I want to share my heart because I believe that He can use my story.


Today on a cloudy, rainy afternoon it hit me; I have been wrestling with some questions and ideas that I never even realized I was asking- and today, there they were. I didn’t even realize I had so much going on in my head until I found myself spilling all sorts of thoughts and feelings today in a conversation with a friend.

Leaving a western culture a few months back, I also left behind a lot of western ways of life. But the patterns of thinking and ways of being that go along with that aren’t so easy to leave behind. The importance of what we “do” is one of the first things we identify about ourselves when we talk to others. It’s one of the first questions we ask a stranger after we exchange names. This importance of what we “do” is ingrained in our minds, and we unknowingly allow it to become our identity and what determines our value and our worth.

Not so long ago, I was a “professional.” I had an amazing job, and I really liked it. I felt comfortable in it; and felt like what I did made a difference. I wouldn’t say that too much of my identity was wrapped up in my job—yet it was a job and a title I was proud of. And then, by coming here- I gave it up. I remember the day God spoke to me in that. “This job is a good fit for you. You are good at it. But give it up for now, and trust Me in doing something else.”

Ok God, here I am. I do totally trust you.

I am confident in my being in this space, in this country, at this time. I feel peace in it. I feel completely confident that God has put me here and honestly there isn’t anywhere else that I would rather be.

Yet this peace and confidence doesn’t mean I understand the day to day. I don’t know what God wants to do with me here. I wish there was a way to articulate and communicate how unbelievably humbling (and to me almost ridiculous!) it is for me to be in this country. I completely believe that God has called us to “go and make disciples of all nations” and agree that we are God’s plan to have every tribe and people come to know Him—and this includes us going to the “ends of the earth” to share this GOOD news with all people (Matthew 28:19). I believe it. I have seen how God uses people to love and touch and change other people. Of course He does! But let me tell you, it sure feels different when it is personal! It’s not that I am unwilling; I obviously am willing. But ME?! I am so ordinary. I have nothing, really, to offer. Surely someone else would probably do a better job?? Yes, God, I am here! I am willing—but why would you want to use me?!

It has been such an unbelievable reminder to me how much this is about HIM—and has nothing to do with me! He doesn’t NEED us to do his work. He is God! He can reveal Himself to people in any way He wants to, and why He would choose to use us; his sinful, messy children, is beyond me. But He does! And I can’t get over the privilege it is. But honestly, I am realizing how much we justify ourselves for this task—attempting to make ourselves worthy or fit to do His work and to share His story. But who are we kidding? We have NOTHING without His grace.

And this is what He is telling me.
“Just be you. Do what I tell you to do, but don’t worry if it doesn’t seem to make sense. I know you feel you have nothing; that is ok. Just look to Me, just follow Me.“

“We have this LIGHT shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves. So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we can see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever. My GRACE is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” 2 Corinthians 4:7, 18; 12:9

I know these truths and promises of God, and I believe them. Yet if I am honest, I will tell you that I have some days where I feel useless; my existence in this country so hard to understand. I do still ask God to show me why I am here in light of what I will be "doing.." God, you say my presence here matters… but I still don’t understand why.

And so what do I “do”? Sometimes I go for runs in the mornings. Sometimes I drink coffee at a local café and study Khmer (and make the servers laugh when I ask them questions…) I show up to class everyday at 4pm. I try to love people and be kind to my neighbors. Sometimes I am able to speak clearly and communicate well, and sometimes I am not. I hug kids whenever I get a chance. I pray. I cry. I wash the floor, wash the dishes, and wash my feet nearly 10 times every day….Sometimes it is mundane. And sometimes it is beautiful and I feel so lucky.

Yes, God. I hear you. You say that my being here is important; and I choose to believe even when I don’t understand it most of the time. I will put away my pride in the moments where I feel useless. I am so much more of a child than an adult in this place. But you tell me that is ok. You tell me it is ok to just be. I have a long way to go, but I am starting to understand how to rejoice in that truth.


“…but this happened that we might not rely on ourselves, but on God, who raises the dead.” 2 Corinthians 1:9

“You're here to be light, bringing out the God-colors in the world. God is not a secret to be kept. We're going public with this, as public as a city on a hill. If I make you light-bearers, you don't think I'm going to hide you under a bucket, do you? I'm putting you on a light stand. Now that I've put you there on a hilltop, on a light stand—shine! Keep open house; be generous with your lives. By opening up to others, you'll prompt people to open up with God, this generous Father in heaven.” Matthew 5:14-16, The Message

“The members of the council were amazed when they saw the boldness of Peter and John, for they could see that they were ordinary men with no special training in the Scriptures. They also recognized them as men who had been with Jesus.” Acts 4:13