in my mind it began very clearly as I sat in one of the middle seats. I was by myself, but this time it felt different. more unwelcome. I was deeply lonely. I was surrounded by other people, but I was alone. It was the most alone I had ever felt. I was leaving behind a community and I felt pain that was strong enough to make me feel as if my heart was breaking. “oh Father, I know I am not truly alone…” I whispered in my heart. and I did know. but it was really hard- and painfully lonely.
that day seemingly began a journey of a different kind of alone-ness; one that I had not yet discovered. one with hills, valleys, and plains that I have traveled ever since. many times I have been surprised at how perhaps I should feel lonely, but I don’t. connections and friendships came out of nowhere, as if He was holding me close. and in the silence and quiet, I have grown. I have grown to require this space, which I delight in.
other times, I have days of dark- I have wondered how I would move forward. some days, I felt [and feel] stuck. unable to gain perspective. my independence is no longer a joy. sometimes it just hurts.
but with each step [or lack thereof] my Father is there.
the alone shows up in different ways and in different circumstances; sometimes I fight tears and sometimes not; sometimes I’m honest, and other times I can’t believe I let these thoughts escape my head and make it on to paper…
the psalmist says, ‘he sets the lonely in families,’ and ‘he gives the childless woman a family, making her a happy mother.’ [psalms 113, 68]
Father, I don’t always understand, but I trust.
and I know that I am not even alone in these thoughts.
I know there are others who share them; and for today anyway, I’m not afraid to write them down and give them life.
2 comments:
Just checking in on your blog and catching up. I'm so glad you gave these feelings a voice. This is deep and real, Gretchen. Thank you for being transparent so that we know you and your journey all the more and can pray even more specifically. That's risky and I admire you for it. I'm sure these feelings and questions come and go. Some days are harder than others...some days are flat out awesome and invigorating, others as lonely as can be. Keep sharing. I'm sorry that nobody has responded to this post until now. There is nothing worse, in my experience, than laying your soul out there...to no response. Like I said, I greatly admire your courage in following the prompt to do so. Know that it matters. You matter. And, you are not alone. Praying for you, that God will meet you profoundly in deeply experienced ways. You are his special and chosen, set apart, child. He is so very fond of you and proud of you. Love, Lora
you're the best Lora! thank you for writing.
Post a Comment