learning (and re-learning) grace

The other day I was frustrated. A few different times; about more than I could even put my finger on. I picked up my journal and started writing. I wrote and wrote. And as I wrote, peace and grace came over me. It was so unmistakable I had to pause.

I realized that a big issue that I am having (for probably over a year or more, but especially since I have arrived here) is the issue of GRACE, and that I am not good at accepting it or understanding it. I get it, in theory. I understand how other people should claim it and rejoice in it. I see why they should; it makes sense to me. I know that it is the most beautiful gift we have each ever received through Jesus; really, it is too beautiful for words. It doesn't make any sense at all; which only makes it that much more amazing. but I am still so bad at accepting it in practice; in real life! today I wondered if half the reason God put me here for this time is to teach me about grace.

I had the thought today that it would be so much easier to have a "normal" job, earn my own money, do my own thing, and not have to be accountable to anyone or worry about what anyone else thought--- because it would be "MY" life.
well, besides that totally missing the point, I realized that it is not only selfish and silly, but THAT is perhaps precisely why I have none of those things--- and why it is so hard for me! (I had no idea it would be so hard)

because I am not very good at having to be accountable to a whole lot of people for "what" I am doing, what my days look like, how good my language is, how I spend money, and what I am doing to "earn" it. I feel like a failure in most of these areas all too often. the feeling of having to do my best (which is what I am actually doing) to me almost seems impossible to ever reach--- because there is always MORE I could be doing. it's true, there is. but in the meantime I would fall apart, and sometimes I feel like I am, on the inside-- because I keep trying to measure up what I think my BEST should look like.

meanwhile, I am forgetting the point. I am actually doing my best. my heart and motives are right. I believe with all my heart that I am following Jesus with my whole life, and this just happens to be where He put me for this time. and so, I will BE here. and continue to do my best. but also know that I have been given GRACE because nothing I ever do is going to be "good enough...." and that is ok.

It was almost like God spoke to me out loud. Romans 8:1, 34. "who then, will condemn us? no one-- for Christ Jesus died for us and was raised to life for us..."

I don't know that I have learned it yet. or if I ever will. I know I have been aware of this before; even in the last few months. but still, it sneaks up on me and takes control of me sometimes until I focus on this gift of grace I have been offered instead. I am thankful, even though it is still almost too much to wrap my head around... (not to mention my life)

yikes. and I can't believe I am about to post this on a blog. (!)