join the tradition

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. I love this day, as it's just another reason to praise Jesus for the million and one ways He has blessed and provided for me. Every year, I make a list. I write down EVERYTHING. seriously, everything I can think of. the smell of soap. coffee. clean water which runs from the tap. the list goes on. I have done it for years, and I think cultivating gratitude is important. This year, as a prayer of Thanksgiving, make a list...

'Give THANKS to the Lord Almighty,
for the Lord is good;
His love endures forever.'
Jeremiah 33:11

in light of eternity

Yesterday I had a brief glimpse outside my life here- and the walls I often find myself in. I had an intense vision of joy and hope. A vision of what really matters. I recalled the deep joy I have discovered in Jesus- that freedom from fear, freedom from control and freedom from failure. I was aware that He is God of the beginning, and of the end… and the God of every moment in between.
As I think about leaving the US for a while, I am comforted in knowing that this life is only a glimpse in light of eternity. So I don’t need to worry about those I leave here. I don’t have to worry about anything in the future- or in the present. I have given my life to Jesus, and this is true contentment. I can give the people I love to Him, too- and even though it’s still painful, remember that His love for these people I love is even deeper than mine. For these relationships under His care, we are really only separated for a short time. It is still not easy for me to think to think about. But I am grateful for the glimpse in light of eternity that I was given yesterday. This God who is in charge is so much bigger- and greater-than I can grasp.

“Lord, remind me how brief my time on earth will be. Remind me that my days are numbered—how fleeting my life is. You have made my life no longer than the width of my hand. My entire lifetime is just a moment to you; at best, each of us is but a breath. We are merely moving shadows, and all our busy rushing ends in nothing. We heap up wealth, not knowing who will spend it. And so, Lord, where do I put my hope? My only hope is in you. Rescue me from my rebellion...” Psalm 39:4-8

Jesus lives

This week I found Jesus living
Amidst darkness, addiction, and depression
In lives that have been wrecked by warfare, strongholds and demons
In farm families in the Midwest, businessmen in DC
Tiny tribes in Mali, and the deaf in Guatemala
In blonde-haired children, and in multi-cultural families
In those from atheist homes, Middle Eastern cities, and on the beaches of Indonesia

I was reminded

He performs miracles
He restores relationships
He changes hearts
He transforms cultures

In corners all over the world
He lives

He is near

“If I could hear Christ praying for me in the next room, I would not fear a million enemies. Yet distance makes no difference. He is praying for me.” –Robert Murray M’Cheyne

In the last week and a half, I have felt battered by tactics of the enemy, and acutely aware of just how much I need Jesus in my life as I move forward. This week I am in training with others from around the country who are being sent around the world. We go with the message of hope found in Jesus. I know how much I need Him, but I don’t always live this way. This week, after hearing story upon story, I remember again. I am about to go on a journey that is clearly not something I can do on my own.

This morning we reflected on John 17. Our leader had us choose from three different verses in this chapter; all prayers of Jesus for us- and to make them personal. I was drawn to this:

“Father, I do not ask You to take (her) out of the world, but to keep (her) safe from the evil one. “ (from John 17:15)

I can rejoice and move forward because of Jesus; who has overcome evil on all levels, who prays for me, and who IS nearer to me than the next room.

If you read my blog and want to know more about my journey meeting Jesus in Cambodia, please write a comment!

today's reflections

I need to remember
I am accountable
abundance requires responsibility

not everyone can eat anything they want for dinner
It doesn’t solve anything for me to go without
but may Your voice
keep me mindful
and
aware

I am filled;
most often, full in a way
that makes me uncomfortable
I am thankful;
yet I am not satisfied

how can I sleep without stirring
(even in my heart)
for those who are hungry?

It is not merely food
It is opportunity.
equality.
dignity.
respect.

I have privilege I don’t deserve
my neighbors lack that which they do

You say much will be required
(of me)
for to me, much has been given

what now, God?

I am selfish

teach me how to share
to be mindful and wise
speak your generosity into my being
show me how to give what I have away
because of Your name

rejoice II

'my Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. but I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. and I hope that I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. and I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I know nothing about it. therefore I will trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will not leave me to face my perils alone.'
thomas merton

rejoice

‘do not despise these small beginnings, for the Lord rejoices to see the work begin...’ zechariah 4:10

Last fall I spent a week in Florida, and in that week solidified a promise I had made to God the previous October. I was welcomed into a broader family who understood God’s heart for the world. In this, I committed in word and on paper I would move to Cambodia; with a (more) clear plan in place as to how this was to happen.

Toward the end of the week, I discovered this verse. Yes, I was in the midst of a small beginning. Nothing was going to move quickly- or as quickly as maybe I would have liked. It was going to be a process; with lots of work to do along the way, lots of conversations to be had, lots of explanations. I wondered at times what the impact of this decision I had made would have- for the near future and beyond that, too. Surely I was going to be misunderstood. I was going to feel alone. I was going to be judged. I was going to look like something I am not. I was probably going to hurt people. It was scary and beyond overwhelming. Yet the joy was like nothing I could ever put into words. I was alive in a way I never wanted to lose.

I sought to know the heart of God, and I recognized my decision was ultimately His for me. No matter what happened along the way, what mattered if I were just to follow Him and do what He told me to do? So I took another step in faith- the same faith which has moved me this much closer to where I am today.

It has almost been a year since that week. I smile when I think of what God has done. It was a small beginning, but I can see the Lord rejoicing, too. I am much closer to my departure, even though it often still seems beyond my grasp. And it is. It’s His idea- and I will wait. I rejoice even when I wonder what I am doing some days. I never doubt, but it doesn’t mean it always makes sense to me. Sometimes I feel lost and wonder how this plan He has is really going to work. I feel alone. Recently I was met with the strongest sense of desperation. I cried out to God; ‘if you don’t show up, I absolutely can’t do this.’ It was a hard day. Yet a blessing and a lesson in humility because I really can’t move forward without His hand on me. And I don’t want to.

I still often feel misunderstood- I get the sense that others find me courageous and brave. A good person. Strong. I promise you it’s not at all true. But I do really love Jesus, and know that He is why I walk this way.

Lord, I pray you may rejoice in the work that has begun. Know my heart. I don’t move forward for any reason or in any way other than You.

shake me to life

for (these) I am passionate
not what (foolishness) I get lost in
here.

so take me out of here
physically
mentally
spiritually

take me to where You are
give me your heart
break mine down for those same things
allow me to hurt in the ways you hurt
and see the world as you see it

take away my cynicism and doubt
my need to appear strong
the distance I keep myself away
the safety I’d easily fall into

I want to take the risks
that you say are worth it
in order that I might

love myself tired
spend myself empty
give myself away

because you said you came to give life
and I don’t want any other ‘life’
than the one you offer

so
shake me until I’m awake
shout until I pay attention
break my heart until the hardness has fallen away

then
rescue the beautiful pieces
and put me back together
so that I may go on.


“I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.”
John 10:10

prayer for today

I re-read this prayer yesterday and it came alive.

may God bless you with a restless discomfort about easy answers, half-truths and superficial relationships, so that you may seek truth boldly and love deeply from the heart.

may God bless you with a holy anger at injustice, oppression, and exploitation of people, so that you may find strength to work for justice, freedom, and peace.

may God bless you with the gift of tears to shed with those who suffer from pain, rejection, starvation, or the loss of all that they cherish, so that you may reach out your hand to help comfort them.

may God bless you with enough foolishness to believe that you really can make a difference in this world, so that you are able, with God's grace,do to what others claim cannot be done.

and the blessing of God be with you and remain with you. Amen

~prayer based on a Franciscan blessing, and orginally posted by my friend pip. I loved it then, but felt like it needed to show up on my blog today as well.
thanks girl...

know

I’d like to sit with you
and drink my coffee today
I’d like to learn something
from meeting you
outside the boundaries
to learn because it’s personal
because today I’m not interested
in proper
what is it like to be told a truth
and then be forced to live it
to see the sunshine
and not feel it on your skin
to hope and dream
exhausted
to lose little pieces of yourself
emerging different
embracing uncertainty in each day
because you don’t know
you don't
have an option
trusting strangers
becoming a story
an open book
even if you didn’t want to
details written in codes and acronyms
do you know?
does it make you less of a person?

confessions on the sabbath

I am currently taking an Old Testament Survey class online. I was convicted recently as I listened to a lecture on the Ten Commandments and the professor spoke about remembering the Sabbath. I have recently felt way too busy and overwhelmed. A few friends suggested I take a day or two to do nothing. Relax. Rest. Pray. Read. Whatever. Just don’t work. It sounded great-- but I never made it happen. Why is a day of rest so hard? It’s not that I think that I am so important that something is going to fall apart without me. I just feel like there is always more work to do- and so it’s hard for me to stop until the work is done. Yeah, I know how silly that is. There will ALWAYS be more work to do. So I had to smile when I listened to the “Keep holy the Sabbath” part of the lecture. Seriously God? I get it.
This is one commandment I will admit I have never taken seriously. Why not? I don’t know. I used to think of the Sabbath as going to church. I’m not sure why. I love going to church, but I know that my presence at church on Sunday nights hardly equals keeping the Sabbath holy. But I want to start taking this commandment seriously. I want to change my habits and traditions one day every week. Because not only is it good, it was God’s idea. And not just an idea, or a suggestion- but a command. He knows my life. He knows what kind of crazy distracted world I live in. Just another reason I must rest. Thanks for the lesson. :)

life in pictures

In looking through my friends’ photo blogs, I have admired the way they simply but beautifully tell the stories of their lives. Minimal words, mostly pictures. Simple; but raw, genuine, and real. Vulnerable at times. Funny and lighthearted in others. Overall, I just love the way that a photo a day tells the story of life. I’m starting the project. I'm taking a picture every day for a year. I want to be intentional in my vision. I want to embrace moments and live aware of even the simple things. I am not going to go out of my way to take pictures of special or exotic things- I only want to document the things of my normal day-to-day life. I named it life in pictures on my links.

just willing

In my Perspectives class, I read an article called Just Willing by a man named Casey Morgan. He writes about a two day seminar he and his wife attended in which God opened their eyes for the first time to His love for all nations and all peoples. He talked about how he and his wife discovered for the first time the biblical foundation for cross-cultural missions. God changed their perspective, and their lives were never the same because of it. They decided to sell their house in Texas and move to the “concrete jungle” of East Asia with their three small children.

He reflects on one day at the seminar when someone came up to him, looked him in the eye, and questioned:

“What part of your life reflects God’s desire to be known among every people group on the planet?”

He continues on:

“As far as we could tell, none.

There was no way we could ignore the new information. How could we walk away and continue on as we had been? We faced some major decisions. Our perspective on the world had changed. It was clear that the way we lived- even where we lived- was going to have to change, too.

...to be honest, the prospect of going somewhere halfway around the world was pretty scary. We tried to convince ourselves that because people right where we lived needed Jesus, maybe we ought to just stay put. Still, as we sifted through what God had brought to our attention, it became evident that the most impact we could have would be among those furthest removed from the gospel. So we decided to go. That’s when everyone thought we’d changed.

People around us would often say, “Wow, you guys have such a clear calling to serve overseas. I don’t think I could ever do that.” My wife and I didn’t know what to say. We felt like we were just like them. Why were we so different all of a sudden? Others would comment on how committed we must be. They applauded our self sacrifice and lifted us up as spiritual giants of sorts...

Recently, I’ve been able to put my finger on what separates us from the countless others back home. Willingness.

We never had a special calling to “go.” We’re not any more spiritual than you or the person sitting next to you in church. We’re just willing. That’s all.

If you’re content to stay without ever asking yourself, “what’s keeping me from going to the widest end of the gap?” you may end up wondering of the lack of risk was worth it. If it’s a missionary call you’re waiting for, here it is: Come, follow us.”

I loved this article because he put so many of my thoughts and feelings into words. I read it and thought, “Yes. This is it.” This thing- willingness, is simple and profound at the same time. I share with the author a knowledge that I don’t offer anything special or extraordinary. I believe that as He called his disciples, Jesus continues to call ordinary people. I am not extra holy, heroic, or any more put together than anyone else. In fact, I believe that He seeks to use me in the midst of all of my faults and weaknesses. I have a lot! Yet, when they are always before me, I remember that I can’t do any of this journey on my own. I am reminded every day.

I am just me. But God spoke of this love He has for the nations to me, too. I too have been left changed and made more aware. And I told God yes. I am willing.

weekend in minnesota: people

weekend in minnesota: place

awake

A friend commented recently that she thinks only a small percentage of people are living life awake. This may be on purpose or not. But I think it's true. I've been thinking about it ever since.

My patient tonight was sleepy when I opened the door to her room. I talked softly; telling her what I was going to do. She moved slightly as I uncovered her a little. When I was finished recording her vital signs and drawing some labs, I lifted her arm and covered her up again with the heavy white blankets. As I did, she stirred again; the kind of stirring where I realized she had completely drifted back to sleep in the few minutes it took me to complete my simple tasks. After being covered, I could see she was comfortable again. Wasn't about to wake up. Sound asleep. No longer knew I was standing there. I turned off the lights and closed the door.

And I thought again about this idea of living awake. Even when things are going on all around us, as they were for my patient- it doesn't necessarily mean we wake up. Or want to wake up. It's so much easier to sleep, to numb away the hard things, let the uncomfortable things pass by without dealing with them. Or even being aware of them. We get good at this- the act of forgetting, not noticing, proceeding forward, absent in some way. We don't mind being naive or apathetic. Sometimes, when too many things threaten to take over, I think about how I wish I could just go to sleep until it's over.

But I want to appreciate living awake. I want to be intentionally present in all the details. Even if it's painful. Or uncomfortable without heavy blankets to hide under. I don't want to be numb or absent from any part of my life.

drops of joy

It started with a gray sky. Then a few drops of rain fell. Then more, and more, until we found ourselves in the midst of a complete downpour. At first, it seemed like any other rainy afternoon in Cambodia during the rainy season. One minute it was sunny with a few clouds, the next minute the rain poured down. But this particular day was different. The rain hit my face. It soaked my shoulders. My dry hair was drenched, and it came down, harder, and harder... and harder. It poured down the front of my shirt, and as we rode home on the back of the little moped, I started to laugh. The rain tickled my skin, my ears, my face. I was completely saturated, and it just kept coming. And I laughed harder. I couldn’t stop laughing, until the tears ran from my eyes, mixing with the raindrops which already covered my face. I remember not even being sure of what it was that caused me to laugh until I cried. It was like the absurdity of the whole thing overtook me until I couldn’t control my emotions. I was living in a hard place, and the frequent rain was just one more thing. Yet on that day the rain and gray skies weren’t discouraging- although the rest of my week might have been. I remember God showing up in those ten minutes, reminding me that in the midst of it all, I was living- and living fully engaged and alive. It was a tangible reminder about beauty and hope in the mundane, wet, dirty, and messy pieces of life.

I have been swimming in my thoughts lately. Feeling discouraged sometimes too. Wondering what God is doing in me, and how He will choose to use my messy and imperfect life. Today I sat for awhile at Mt. Tabor park, under the tall trees and gray of the Portland sky. Then rain started to fall. Only a few drops at first; but soon it was another downpour. My clothes were stuck to my skin, my hair was dripping, and in the warm air I was reminded of that day in Cambodia. I smiled as I was reminded again of the deep joy and hope which lie in the midst of the gray and wet.

on the way

i am just another traveler
in this little piece of time
i’m a drifter, i’m a seeker
waking to this thing called life
and i struggle like a baby for each little step i take
learning how to walk on the way

i am losing the familiar i’m not sure of anything
every new day it’s a new world that’s quick to steal my dreams
but the path of resistance
wasn’t meant for me to take
i’m learning who i am on the way

still i fall and you reach
i am foolish, so you teach
i wander but you stay
by my side on the way

this was not what i expected it’s not everything i planned
but there’s beauty in this mystery
i don’t have to understand
but i just have to keep on moving
not with vision but with faith
i’m learning how to see on the way

still i fall and you reach
i am foolish, so you teach
i wander but you stay
by my side on the way

so i feel these blessed burdens
and these weights upon my feet
no one said it would be easy
or that i’d ever find my peace
but i’m moving with assurance
through these fears and sweet mistakes
i’m learning how to live on the way

on the way,
elizabeth hunnicutt

because justice matters

love BECAUSE darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that. and all of life is interrelated because all men are caught in an inescapable network of mutuality, tied in a single garment of destiny. whatever affects one directly affects all indirectly. I can never be what I ought to be until you are what you ought to be, and you can never be what you ought to be until I am what I ought to be. Martin Luther King Jr. therefore, you shalt not be a victim. you shalt not be a perpetrator. above all, you shalt not be a bystander. Yehuda Bauer. the trouble is that once you see it, you can’t unsee it. and once you’ve seen it, keeping quiet, saying nothing, becomes as political an act as speaking out. either way, you’re accountable. Arundhati Roy. so listen because JUSTICE is conscience, not a personal conscience but the conscience of all of humanity. those who clearly recognize the voice of their own conscience usually recognize also the voice of justice. Alexander Solzhenitsyn. act in love knowing that in this life we cannot do great things. we can only do small things with great love. but it is not the magnitude of our actions but the amount of love that is put into them that MATTERS. Mother Teresa. and in the end justice will rise up and hope and history will rhyme. Seamus Heaney.

(thanks Juice!)

Adventure of the Seas

We met in Puerto Rico last Sunday; my mom, sisi, and me
To board a ship and sail the Caribbean Sea

They took silly pictures before we even boarded the ship
And hand delivered our suitcases, almost too full to be zipped

We ran around to explore floors one through fourteen
Everything was so beautiful, glistening, and clean

The water refilled, three forks, fine wine...
We gathered each night in Vivaldi to dine

Ten at our table; four of them Brits
Stories and conversation was always a hit

Two desserts, the coffee, champagne as a treat
White linens, some singing, and new friends to meet

Lashana’s lovely bread and Derya’s smile
Made all at our table want to stay for awhile

The menu divine, the food always hot
I’d order two entrees, and hear Derya’s sweet “Why not?”

We stayed up late dancing outside under stars
Oriana received a free drink from the bar

In the middle of the ocean we climbed a rock wall
Went swimming, ice skating, and tried not to fall

Clear teal water and Aruba’s white sand
We left the island with a coconut in hand

The locals in Dominica were funny and kind
We floated the river and the boys didn’t mind

Curacao was beautiful, but we didn’t stay cool
So we boarded the ship and jumped in the pool

St. Thomas was sailing and endless rum punch
With the sun, waves, and dancing we made a lively bunch

On the ship was a line, and to the photographers dismay
We’d stick out our tongues and get pictures our way

Towels turned animals, crisp sheets, a clean floor
The room was transformed when Carl came through the door

The crew was amazing; working all day and night
Doing everything they could to make our vacation just right

Would you rather be an egg or a bee?
Or joke about awkward arms in the bag or the pets at sea?

I won’t soon forget this past week in May
I hope the Caribbean calls us back again one day!