invisible

I see you
when I look at you I see
a gifted woman
a crazy spirit
talent and gifts
as obvious as the smile on your face

you love
to laugh
to help
to care

your excitement
makes me excited
your smile
brings a smile to my face

but what you see is different

your pain may be invisible to those who share your life
but it's as real to you as your imperfect reflection in the mirror

what is it that you long for? what are you missing?
worth love understanding to be noticed worth perfection
control beauty love something different love understanding
belonging family a different body worth love beauty
understanding a prettier face to feel better?

I want you to know that I see you
your silent pain
that screams at you
screams at me
even though I can't understand

I can't give you any of these things
you are missing
but I see you
and you are not invisible to me.

thankfulness

In keeping with the tradition that Oriana and I started years ago, once again I made a "thankful list" this year on Thanksgiving. Each year on Thanksgiving day, we write out a list of everything we can possibly think of that we are thankful for. People, places, experiences, emotions, material things... everything that comes to mind makes the list. Usually it is quite a few pages long. We have also tried to pass the tradition on to others; hoping that they will enjoy our list making as much as we do... our mom and dad, friends, and the people we spend Thanksgiving with each year.

This year I spent Thanksgiving with my friend from Australia who happily joined me in the tradition (and celebrating an American holiday!) After we make the list, we compare the things we've written by reading them out loud, and then we are reminded of all of the things we forgot! It's a practice that reminds me just how much I have been given, how much the Lord loves me, and the million ways I have been blessed.

Here are just a few things from my list:

the smell of sunscreen- manicured lawns in the city- Starbucks- brokenness- making smores- organization- diet coke- running a race- bonfires- soy milk- dial hand soap- hugs- new hiking trails- downy fabric softener- waking up early- fresh sheets- JCrew- holding hands- car rides in the dark- dressing up- learning a new recipe- getting mail- wearing a friend's clothes- Aveda products- washing machine- fresh breath- weekends away- smell of coffee- the beach- Oregon rainy days- worship- dancing- gelato- a hot shower- candles- cell phone- massages- unexpected notes- cooking with mom- electricity- carpet- piggy back rides- sleepovers- perfume- the bible- new friends-


"Let your roots grow down into him, and let your lives be built on him. Then your faith will grow strong in the truth you were taught, and you will overflow with thankfulness."
Colossians 2:7

what people think

I used to say that I didn't care what people thought about me. In some ways, this is still true. I don't mind a bit if someone sees me as odd, silly, or quiet. In general, I feel confident about who I am and I don't feel I need the approval of others to give me worth.

However, I am reminded again and again that although it doesn't matter what others think of me for my sake; it DOES matter because I call myself a follower of Christ. Therefore I am striving to be an example of Him in all I do. When stated this way, I remember it does matter what people think. It matters a lot.

I had a conversation today that reminded me of some of my weaknesses, in which this is one. Sometimes I am an awful example of Christ for others to see. I may not care what people think about me, but I sure do care what they think of Christ. It's easy for me to forget that as a Christian, I am called to be a representation of Christ in EVERYTHING I do. (Colossians 3:17)

John Piper states: "But we ought not to care much what others think of us for our own sake. Our concern is ultimately for Christ's reputation, not ours. The accent falls not on our value or excellence or virtue or power or wisdom. It falls on whether Christ is honored by the way people think of us. Does Christ get a good reputation because of the way we live? Is the excellence of Christ displayed in our lives? That should matter to us, not whether we ourselves are praised."

Well said.

Father, Make me aware of my words, actions, attitudes, and behavior and how it affects other people and what impression it gives them. Not because I care what they think of ME, but because I care what they think of YOU. Please make me more sensitive and aware. Amen.

following Jesus-applied examples

There is a quote that I have hanging up in my room here that I have been thinking about. It's taken from Donald Miller's book, Blue Like Jazz :

"If we are not willing to wake up in the morning and die to ourselves, perhaps we should ask ourselves whether or not we are really following Jesus."

What does this really means in my day to day life? Being unselfish when it's hard. Getting over my bad attitude and being kind. Putting the needs and wants of the children and adults I work with in front of EVERYTHING else that is going on in my mind. Asking questions of others in order to learn more about what makes them tick. Really loving difficult people with the love Christ gives me (because otherwise I can't!) Attempting to make small talk in Khmer with strangers in order to be kind even though I feel dumb because my language skills are seriously lacking. Giving away my chocolate or whatever else I am eating at the moment. :) Being generous with my time and my money. Looking for people who need a kind word, encouragement, or a hug... and being tuned in enough to provide it. Praying for those I find difficult to love. Taking time to play with the little children who live across the street. Taking time to do anything that will benefit anyone other than
myself. Offering to help. Eating and appreciating the Khmer food I am served (!!) at the orphanage each day for lunch; remembering it is food that could be given to someone in much greater need than myself~ and not being concerned about how it was prepared or who touched it without washing their hands! Giving the "best" of whatever I have to someone else. Allowing the things that are acceptable for my poor neighbors to be acceptable for me as well. Being content in all of these things. Looking for other things can I add to this list. . .

sleepover!

Last night I spent the night at the Garden of Joy, with my favorite kids in Cambodia. It was wonderful... like camping and a sleepover all in one. (Think no running water, minimal electricity, flashlights, bugs, etc.) I was going to be sleeping with three girls (sisters; ages 11, 8, and 6) on a mattress on the floor. The dorm parents are away for the week, and we were going to sleep in their room. I asked the girls, "Why don't we put the misquito net over the bed? No one is going to sleep here," thinking that a big bed should not go to waste. "Dad sleeps there." they said. When I tried to explain that he was away, and no one was going to be in the bed, they still insisted that we all sleep on the floor, where they slept every other night. Of course, I cared more about sleeping with someone else than I did about being on a bed, so I happily agreed. So, late afternoon, we set up the misquito net over the mattress on the floor.

After it got dark, (about 6:15pm!) I played Uno with some of the older girls for awhile, and then I realized we were the only ones still up. I went into the other room and found my little room mates all lined up on their little bed, with a spot open for me in the middle. They had been waiting for me to turn off the lights. I smiled when I realized it was 8:30pm. I got my headlamp and a book, and climbed into our little tent. The oldest girl folded her hands and said something to me in Khmer that I didn't understand, but I knew that she was asking to pray. We somehow established that they would pray in Khmai first and then I would pray in English. They all bowed their heads and prayed out loud in Khmer all at the same time for a few minutes. Then I took their hands, and finished our prayer in English. It was one of the sweetest moments I have experienced for a long time. I can only imagine how the Lord feels when he hears His children call out to Him all around the world.

I think I was awake until about midnight, as the two littlest ones next to me kept whispering in their sleep, throwing their arms or legs over me, or rolling over on top of me. It was really hot, and I wished it was appropriate to dress in underwear, the way the girls were. The air was still and humid. Dogs were barking everywhere. Crickets, frogs, geckos, and who knows what else were chipping and clicking and croaking. I was hoping that nothing would invade our net.

I woke up to Asian amplified music that takes over the village whenever there is some sort of special occasion. I found out later it was a wedding. It was 5:40. I turned over and one of the girls was already gone. The littlest one, delighted that I was now awake also, crawled over me and curled up in front of me and gave me a hug. Although the music has been annoying since the first week I got here, it was not a bad way to wake up.

The girls washed up and I combed their hair and applied the UV skin whitening cream that their dorm mom puts on them everyday. They dressed in their cute little blue and white uniforms and I painted their nails before they left for school. (these are the things you have time for when you wake up at 5:30 am!) Hugs, kisses, and I love you's, and they were off to school by 6:40. I don't ever remember having this much fun on a school night!

letting go

I am reading a book by Henri Nouwen called The Only Necessary Thing: Living a Prayerful Life.

One of his thoughts really met me.

"...We realize that the closer we come to God, the stronger will be God's demand to let go of the many "safe" structures we have built around ourselves. Prayer is such a radical act because it requires us to criticize our whole way of being in the world, to lay down our old selves and accept our new self, which is Christ . . .. In the act of prayer, we undermine the illusion of control by divesting ourselves of all false belongings and by directing ourselves totally to the God who is the only one to whom we belong. Prayer therefore is the act of dying to all that we consider to be our own and of being born to a new existence which is not of this world. Prayer is indeed a death to the world so that we can live for God."

My time in Cambodia has reminded me of these truths Henri describes. We really do build "safe" structures around us, in an attempt to keep some sort of control over our lives or because we think we know best what we need. In the past month or so I have spent time reflecting on what that actually looks like in my life. While here, the Lord has changed my heart in many ways, showing me more and more about what is important to Him, and therefore, to me. Letting go of some of those safe structures has been an incredibly freeing experience. Dying to the world and letting go of the "safe" structures is a difficult process that we need to do again and again...but in doing so, we experience Christ as we never could have otherwise.

sarcasm kills?!

So I'm not sure exactly what I said or did that convicted me, but I suppose I have been sarcastic a few too many times lately.... So today, I stumbled upon Proverbs 26:18-19.

It says:
"Like a madman who casts firebrands, arrows, and death,
So is the man who deceives his neighbor and then says,
Was I not joking?"

In another version, The Message, it states:
"People who shrug off deliberate deceptions,
saying, "I didn't mean it, I was only joking,"
are worse than careless campers
who walk away from smoldering campfires."

Quite a few years ago, I worked under a wise man who taught my friends and I that "sarcasm kills" and that we needed to do our best to stop being sarcastic to each other. At first we thought he was nuts; how could we realistically stop being sarcastic?! It was our culture; young people don't really have conversations without being sarcastic, do they? Some of the things he said caused me to take him seriously, though. He challenged me to think critically about it- most of the time, we are sarcastic because something is lacking. Courage, confidence, honesty, guts? I have found in observing myself and why I say some of the sarcastic things I do, most of the time if I am overly sarcastic there is a deeper meaning. I think that it is also a bit of a character flaw if used excessively; it is hard to tell what people are REALLY trying to say.... Why aren't we just honest and say what we mean more often? (It's hard!)

I admit, sometimes sarcasm is just funny and there isn't much beyond that. I think there are definitely instances where it is appropriate. But I have come to realize my boss was right- and so I have tried my best to refrain for the most part.
So I am going to start over again now....

pure joy

Today I experienced about 30 minutes of pure joy. I was at the Garden of Joy, the orphanage that I have been working at here in Cambodia. After lunch, the Khmer like to relax or take a nap for an hour or so each day. Usually this is a time that I play with the kids who decide not to sleep, or talk or read with the older kids. Today though, everyone was either sleeping or off doing other things. I was especially tired, so I reclined on a swing under the shade of a big tree. I was so comfortable and very sleepy, when I saw three of the little girls running from the shower in their towels over to me; thinking it very funny that they are going to wake me up. After they saw me open my eyes and smile, they giggled and ran away to get dressed. Soon they were back, and immediately climbed up on to the swing with me. "Ma gesin sleep!" they kept saying. In my limited Khmer, I said, "Come and sleep with me!" As I lay curled on my side, I had one wrapped up in my arms in front of me, one behind me, and the other on top of me. "Gain" (sleep) they would say, and then pretend to sleep on my shoulder or chest, with a smile. They giggled and babbled in a language that I still only understand pieces of. But they were genuinely joyful....maybe even a hint of how joyful I was? They snuggled with me as I wrapped them up, played with their hair, and kissed their cheeks. I thought "THIS is heaven, honestly...." There isn't much that I love more than snuggling, and with these precious little girls, I don't know much that could compare. The Lord knows me, and I find great joy in the fact that I am being cared for through these little ones.


Pip, if you read this.... thanks for inspiring me to blog for real!