new day

waking up to a gray sky
and rain

[love]

drops fall from the leaves over my head
on my face along the road
cool air
long sleeves
hot espresso
music
watching people
the Word of God
alive, new
around me,
in my heart

“Behold, I am making all things new...” Revelation 21:5

friendly

one thing I love about Cambodia is the curiosity and warmth of so many people. many young people especially are not afraid to be friendly and practice their English, or just to talk to a white girl... or because they are curious or surprised that I can say even a few words in their language.

tonight I went to a shop I had never been to so I could buy phone credit. two young women were leaving as I was arriving, and overheard me talking to the seller. as I was leaving, they were waiting outside for me. "oh, sister! your khmer is so clear. how long have you been here?" and on and on she went... we chatted for a few minutes about work, school, and where she was off to tonight.

"do you have a phone?" she asked. I laughed as she asked for my phone number. we have never met. and honestly, this happens all the time! sometimes I reveal my number, sometimes not. only some of the time do I get calls back, or cute texts in hard to understand English.

I can't help but smile; when else would you be asked for your phone number from a complete stranger? (or give it?!)
and I always laugh, thinking, 'if only I could find a boyfriend this easily...' ;)

alone [and not]

in my mind it began very clearly as I sat in one of the middle seats. I was by myself, but this time it felt different. more unwelcome. I was deeply lonely. I was surrounded by other people, but I was alone. It was the most alone I had ever felt. I was leaving behind a community and I felt pain that was strong enough to make me feel as if my heart was breaking. “oh Father, I know I am not truly alone…” I whispered in my heart. and I did know. but it was really hard- and painfully lonely.

that day seemingly began a journey of a different kind of alone-ness; one that I had not yet discovered. one with hills, valleys, and plains that I have traveled ever since. many times I have been surprised at how perhaps I should feel lonely, but I don’t. connections and friendships came out of nowhere, as if He was holding me close. and in the silence and quiet, I have grown. I have grown to require this space, which I delight in.

other times, I have days of dark- I have wondered how I would move forward. some days, I felt [and feel] stuck. unable to gain perspective. my independence is no longer a joy. sometimes it just hurts.

but with each step [or lack thereof] my Father is there.

the alone shows up in different ways and in different circumstances; sometimes I fight tears and sometimes not; sometimes I’m honest, and other times I can’t believe I let these thoughts escape my head and make it on to paper…

the psalmist says, ‘he sets the lonely in families,’ and ‘he gives the childless woman a family, making her a happy mother.’ [psalms 113, 68]

Father, I don’t always understand, but I trust.

and I know that I am not even alone in these thoughts.
I know there are others who share them; and for today anyway, I’m not afraid to write them down and give them life.

September; a new beginning?

I want to write more…

I don’t even know where to begin, but I think I need to start by just writing; and not worry what about..

yesterday I was driving my moto down the main road in Poipet in the morning. out of the corner of my eye, I saw I someone slowly running down the side of the street; I realized it was a completely naked woman, holding a pair of jeans. she looked so disoriented, her face pained; as she continued forward, oblivious…

It happened so quickly that I was down the road quite a way before I realized what I had just witnessed. even now, I don’t know what I could have done differently, but I can’t get the scene out of my head.

lost. alone.

these are the words that keep coming to mind when her I think of her. I didn’t notice a reaction of any people around her, but I wonder how others saw her. did they feel pity? did they laugh? did anyone dare to try to help her; this disheveled individual who obviously didn’t fit in their conservative culture?

an adult who seemed so neglected and forgotten. she is His child, I thought. I wanted so much for her to be cared for and looked after; to not feel alone. I wondered where her mind was. I wondered what I could do. I think I will always struggle; wanting to love in these situations and not knowing how.

hours later, I sat in a van in Bangkok traffic praying and listening to music, as we weaved in and out of a sea of cars, trucks, and flashing lights. I was seemingly transformed to a different world; but I still had this image of this naked woman, wandering aimless down the street.

I am trying to listen, but I don’t have an conclusion yet…

snapshots from August 1

today was such a great beginning

to a new month!

new chapter on the journey

As much of the work within medicine may be familiar and comfortable to me, I want to be sensitive to the needs of those around me and not stop at involvement in obvious medical need. This is not the main issue, and yet I feel so grateful to have been given a door by which to enter into the lives of those around me.

This past week, a few of us gathered outside a house, a very simple shack on borrowed land. As I listened to one of my patients share, the young woman who called this place home, my mind raced. She cried a little, telling us of her feelings of hopelessness. She told us how her husband had left and she was alone. She was young, jobless, and poor. She had just been diagnosed with cancer a few days before.

What was next? Maybe surgery? But there wasn’t enough money. Yet, with what value do we measure her life?

God, you are a God of justice. Give us wisdom. Where do we go from here?

We offered what support we could with our words and presence. I honestly wondered if it even mattered. I wondered if she saw us as only rich workers in an organization who had the power to help-- but would only sit with her, offering words, which didn’t feel like enough…

Is this a place for questioning? And judgment is unfortunately too easy…

I know there are more questions to ask.

I know this is only the beginning of our involvement in this one life.

And I know that I have only just begun a new chapter in the journey; where once again I have the privilege of getting up close and personal with many who hurt.

So I pray against being callous and hardened- against getting ‘used to’ the poverty of hopelessness around me, because through Jesus we have been offered more. Tears fall when I recall these situations, and even though I am tired of my emotions always revealed, I don’t want the tears to stop when I am no longer ‘new’ at this job. Even though I have only just met her, I will remind myself that it is okay to cry. She is His child. He loves her deeply.

He has given us hope in what is bigger than the feelings of despair that often seem to prevail in this community, and I will continue to shed tears for those He loves, and cling to Hope.

I do have confidence in His promises unfolding and in His love. For this woman, her neighbors, and for us, too; as we do our best to make His hope and justice come on earth as it is in Heaven.

‘We know what real love is because Jesus gave up his life for us. So we also ought to give up our lives for our brothers and sisters. If someone has enough money to live well and sees a brother or sister in need but shows no compassion- how can God’s love be in that person? Dear children, let’s not merely say that we love each other; let us show the truth by our actions.’ 1 John 3:16-18

year 2

…though they may surround me like lions

and crush me on all sides,

I may fall, but I will rise

not by my might, or my power, or by the strength of souls

only by Your love, my Lord.

[rise, josh garrels]

I have finished my first full week of work in Cambodia! And as I begin year two, I can say that I feel confident I am right where God wants me for this period of life. I am excited to work in a role where I very much feel like I ‘fit’ and really look forward to getting to know some of my patients, as well as better knowing those I work with.

In the past weeks, many thoughts have been swirling around in my mind. I want to write, but I often can’t find the words...

I am thinking lots, praying lots, (although there is always room for more… )

more soon….

visiting a patient at her home this past week

3am haiku

awake in the dark
sleepless lonely and thinking
waiting for the light

what I read today

'Our Christian habit is to bewail the world's deteriorating standards with an air of self-righteous dismay. We criticize its violence, dishonesty, immorality, disregard for human life, and materialistic greed. "The world is going down the drain," we say with a shrug. But whose fault is it? Who is to blame? Let me put it like this. If the house is dark when nightfall comes, there is no sense in blaming the house, for that is what happens when the sun goies down. The question to ask is "Where is the light?" If the meat goes bad and becomes inedible, there is no sense in blaming the meat, for that is what happens when bacteria are left alone to breed. The question to ask is "Where is the salt?" Just so, if society deteriorates and its standards decline, till it becomes like a dark night or stinking fish, there is no sense in blaming society, for that is what happens when fallen men and women are left to themselves, and when human selfishness is unchecked. The question to ask is "Where is the church? Why are the salt and light of Jesus Christ not permeating and changing our society?" It is sheer hypocrisy on our part to raise our eyebrows, shrug our shoulders or wring our hands. The Lord Jesus told us to be the world's salt and light. If therefore darkness and rottenness abound, it is our fault and we must accept the blame.'
-John Stott

caught; running (forward)

the air hits me cold
my senses are alive
with the newness of
this time
this day
this step

my feet, numb. heavy. clumsy.
beat on the uneven path
worn away by the footprints
of all who have run before
and by the rain of yesterday
as the rocks protrude
smooth and flat
large and sharp
they threaten to ruin my steps forward
but on I move
up the hills, through the rocks
further along

I am caught
between the rains of yesterday
which have drowned my path
the rocks which threaten to destroy my footing

and the canopy of new life overhead
glowing green details dancing in the wind
the blue brightness tries to take over the gray
puffy white mixes with vibrant beams
that light up the water under my feet like a mirror
each step catches my breath
as I wipe the sweat
yet fly faster, now downhill
aware of my steps
and how pieces of the canopy have fallen like confetti

under my feet
pieces of light
decorate the dark muddy path
as my steps go on, slapping the water

the damp dead of yesterday

has been overcome by new life falling down from overhead

and my pace

now light and quick,

finds glory in this place

where I am

caught.

smiles and memories from the past year

update

‘And he will startle many nations. Kings will stand speechless in his presence. For they will see what they had not been told; they will understand what they had not heard about.’ Isaiah 52:15

This morning I received an email from a Cambodian friend. She has been emailing me consistently the past week and a half; sharing her joys and struggles as she begins a new life as a follower of Jesus. She has been learning about the person of Christ for a while now, as well as reading the Bible and asking lots of questions. The last time we spoke in person, she told me, “I just have so many questions, and so many things I don’t understand.” I told her it was ok to ask questions and not understand everything… keep asking, keep reading, and keep looking…

She has emailed me many questions- regarding persecution, and how to understand God’s plan for the world, amongst a few. And now she shares about how she is doing well, because God has given her peace and joy. She asks for prayer, that her mother and sister would keep reading their Bibles and trying to understand God, too- as well as prayer for the rest of her family who thinks it is not appropriate to follow Jesus. “Thank you, sister, for helping me to get close to God. Sister, I miss you...” she writes in closing.

I stand humbled and amazed that God would allow me to witness transformation in this young woman. I am honored to receive these emails, pray with and for her, and share conversation; whether it be in person or by email. What a joy to share the hope and peace of Christ with this sister who is so eager to learn and grow in knowledge.

I arrived in America via Portland Oregon two weeks ago! This is a time for me to connect with many of you (as many as possible!) as well as rest a little, hug my family, and pray and make some arrangements for my return to Cambodia in July. I will be in Oregon until early June, and Minnesota until early July.

Prior to my return to the US, I was able to attend the annual Pioneers retreat for SE Asia in Thailand. It was truly a gift to meet together, encourage one another and be encouraged as we shared stories of what God is doing in our lives and in the lives of those we live and work amongst.

Please pray for my friend and her family who are for the first time ‘seeing what they had not (yet) been told’ and ‘understanding what they had not (yet) heard about’

I rejoice that we have a Savior in Jesus who pursues us, and who ‘bore the sins of many and interceded for rebels (us!).’ (Isaiah 53:12) Please join me in prayer for my friend who is just beginning her journey of faith and understanding of Jesus and his love for her.

Please also join me in prayer for many uncertain details of my work role when I return to Cambodia in July. There are many specific things that must be in place and made clear before I will begin working full time; pray that the Lord would clarify each step as I work through the details during this time.

tulips outside my house in Oregon!

loving spending time with baby Luke! (and his family!)

forgive-forgave-forgiven

The text for the English lesson was found in the gospel of John. Chapter eight, about the woman who was caught in adultery. The text is in simplified English, but the story is the same. The woman is caught in the midst of her sin. “a wrong and wicked thing” according to the Easy English text. The leaders want to stone her to death; Jesus turns it around. “Whoever has never done anything wrong may throw a stone.” he says. The leaders walk away, Jesus confronts the woman- with forgiveness.

I wrote these words on the white board:
forgive= forgave (past tense)
Ex)
Will you forgive me?
Jesus forgave the woman.
He forgives us.

And then I realized that I not only wrote a few short sentences with the different tenses of the word “forgive,” but I had the opportunity to talk about forgiveness too! Because this is not only the text we use to learn new words in English, but it’s a really incredible and powerful story. It’s true, and real, and alive! I believe the text in these Easy English lessons has the power to change the lives of those who hear it; it is so much greater than just an English lesson. What JOY I have discovered in being able to share about the miracles of Jesus with some women who are so eager to learn.
Just one of the things I have been up to these past weeks.. . ;)

adopted

(thanks Jen, this is beautiful... and I don't believe other words are necessary)

guest blog

I can't help but re-post this blog I read this morning from a young woman whose faith and walk with Christ continues to reach in and grab my heart. Younger than me, and a single mother of 14 daughters in Uganda, she is yet another example that truly anything Jesus asks of us is possible. When He calls; He also equips. He has used her story to get my attention, today being just one of the days...

It can be found here
( The Journey; www.kissesfromkatie.blogspot.com/)


“Jesus! Mama, baby Jesus! I want to see! I want to see Jesus!,” shrieks my littlest darling.

How can I refuse? I lift her, for what seems like the hundredth time this morning, to the manger scene on the living room bookshelf. She gazes in wonder, oohs and ahs, gingerly fingering the cornhusk baby in his twig and banana fiber trough.

“Jesus, Mama,” she whispers.

And so, the nativity scene that once was packed away each year after Christmas remains on the bookshelf still, because my darling baby, in all her wondrous excitement reminds me daily of who I want to be, the kind of life I want to live.

A wide-eyed, expectant child, gazing in wonder on a beautiful Savior.

In the middle of a broken, sin-crushed world, my soul cries out, “I want to see! I want to see Jesus!”

I want to see Jesus.

My darling Karimojong sister Maria, who is battling severe, gripping alcoholism, and her sweet baby are living with us still. People wonder, even gasp, that I would let her join us at our table. Isn’t she a poor example? Why would I subject my girls to that?

I want to see Jesus.

Newborn baby Noah snuggles to my chest as his mother lays dying in a hospital bed. He cried through the night and I feed him and kiss his pink toes and pray over his little life. Why do I do it? Don’t I have my hands full enough already?

I want to see Jesus.

Zulaika, her severely malnourished baby and her 8 year old daughter move into our home while we teach Zulaika how to care for her children and find her a job so she can continue to do so. They have lice. They do not bathe. Fear creeps up the back of my throat and I wonder, what if all my children get sick? But we have taken in sick people before, and each time He hedges us in protection. People ask, do I feel that I am being responsible?

I want to see Jesus.

Jane and her birth mom spend the weekend in our guest room. I figure if I cannot parent this my daughter, the least I can do is teach her mother about our Savior, invest time in their lives, pray over them while we love them. My heart breaks in two as her high pitched, breathy giggle once more fills my home and the pain threatens to paralyze me, but I won't let it.

I want to see Jesus.

Strangers eat at our table, bathe in our showers, sleep in our beds, share our everything. And I fleetingly wonder if it wouldn’t be better for my girls if I maintained some semblance of normal, but He shows me that HIS definition of family is not at all limited by my own.

I want to see Jesus.

I want to see Jesus and if I don’t step out, how can He come in? If I don’t give all of myself, my home, even my family, how will He be magnified?

Do I want my children to be safe? Absolutely. Do I want them to have a “normal” family dinner sometimes and be healthy and not be subject to the rage of an alcoholic or the hurt of friends dying and siblings leaving? Of course. But more than that I want to take a cue from my baby girl.

I want to whisper to them excitedly each morning, “Look, Jesus.”

I want them to see Jesus. In my life. In my actions. Lifted High. Magnified. In our neighbors, no matter how sick or dirty. In our home.

I want the best for my children, I do. And I believe with all my heart what is best is for them to have a mother – a crazy mother even – wide-eyed in wonder, recklessly chasing after her Savior.

More of Him. We want to see Jesus.

just writing...

‘For the Lord hears the cries of the needy; he does not despise his imprisoned people.’ Psalm 69:33

Over the weekend, I met a young woman who shared her story with me. She saw the cross tattoo on my foot, and asked me if I was a Christian. Me too, she said. And so we began to talk…I learned she has been a Christian for 10 years. She first learned about Jesus when she was living in her home village, as a child. She has a two-year-old son, and is already widow; at twenty-six years old. Her son lives with a relative a few hours away. I didn’t understand why, but perhaps she isn’t around enough to care for him. She works from 9am to midnight; everyday of the week, every day of the month- with one day off each month. She earns $40 a month, giving massages to foreigners. She has worked this job for the past two and a half years. It’s difficult though, she says, because she is the only provider in her house, and rent is $35 a month. The only way she can provide for her family is through her tips. On an average day, she says she has 3-5 customers. She is the sole provider for her mother and young brother, whom she shares the house (one room) with. Her father was killed during the Khmer rouge.

She wasn’t looking for pity. She wouldn’t say she was going without and she actually has many good things in her life, she said. She communicated with me not feeling sorry for herself, just openly sharing the facts, and seemed more than happy to chat with an interested stranger.

I am still thinking about her. Her story is not unusual. It is all too ordinary. Long hours. Low pay. Working every day. Poor and often illegal working conditions. Children being cared for by someone else. Families separated. Loss of a spouse. Day to day survival. No money saved; no extra money at all…

I wonder what it means for her to follow Jesus. I wonder how she understands His promises differently than I do. I will never understand why I am in the place I am, and her daily life often seems like a half a world away; even as we converse in the same room. Hers is a life I can’t even fathom, honestly. I do know, though, that I am deeply responsible and accountable for how I love and care for her and those like her. And I want to learn and understand more about what this responsibility means, and what it looks like practically. This is one of the difficulties and yet indescribable privileges to living in Cambodia for me. What a joy it was for me even to be able to have this conversation. What a joy it is to get to meet and know people here, and listen to their stories. And I will continue to struggle though the thoughts and questions and prayers, which don’t often have answers. But I want to be aware. And I want to remember those I am surrounded by who have struggles that I may never understand.

‘He will rescue the poor when they cry to him; he will help the oppressed, who have no one to defend them.

He feels pity for the weak and the needy, and HE WILL RESCUE THEM.

He will redeem them from oppression and violence, for THEIR LIVES ARE PRECIOUS TO HIM.’
Psalm 72: 12-14

'but I trust in your unfailing love. I will rejoice because you have rescued me.' psalm 13:5

life these days

I have wanted to write for over a week. I don’t really have inspiration to write, but I will try anyway. I have moved; again. My third big move in the past year, even if this time it is back the city I first moved to, and within the same country. What a crazy past year it’s been. I was looking at pictures on my camera and recalled that during this week last year I was at the ocean one day, the next day skiing in the mountains~ and now, I am here in Asia. That ocean is far away, and instead I am surrounded by dry dusty plains, gravel roads, palm trees, and open fields. On an evening run I see the hazy pink sun going down, and I get love from giggling children who run after me barefoot until they tire. I no longer breathe in the congestion of the city streets, instead it’s the dust of the country roads. But I will take it!

It has been a pretty good past two weeks. Jesus is reminding me what dependence on Him really means and what it looks like. I feel like there isn’t much I am capable of without Him.

I still don’t know much about what life will look like here as the weeks and months go on. But for today, it looks like getting to meet with a few Cambodian teachers who are really excited to study English. Spending an hour reading a few pages of a book, because I am a slow reader. Meeting lots of new people. Playing ping-pong with some really eager to learn young women. Learning my way around; again. Learning how to drive a motorbike. Meeting the (new!) neighbor kids. Finding the market; again. Finding new places to run. Learning some new medical words in Khmer. Learning my way around a new clinic, and even getting to practice some old skills like giving IM injections!

Looking forward to see what the Lord has in mind for this next chapter of life in Cambodia…

paper on the wall

our Cambodian housemate is learning English and posted this on the middle of the wall sometime last night. when I woke up and saw it today, it brought a huge smile to my face.

transitions

I haven’t blogged yet in January! What a month it has been. Moving. Planning to move. Not yet having moved…. A time of being patient; and other times of not so much patience. Things that are beautiful. Lots that is hard. Many questions. Always uncertainties.

Ah.. and isn’t that life?!

I read a book this month called ‘Radical’ by David Platt. (which I highly recommend if you want God to seriously rock your world) It is one of the better books I have read, if wanting to think seriously about why I am here and why I live… One question asked among many is how much am I desperate for the Spirit of God in my life? Like how much of my life can I really do on my own? And if I am not desperate for the Spirit in the day to day, why not??

I have a long way to go. I have much to learn. But one thing I have been reminded of lately; I am in desperate dependence on Jesus.

I look ahead and I wonder how… how, what, when, why? I have so many questions. I am here. I have learned and grown and seen His faithfulness time after time; and the thought of moving ahead without Him- I honestly cannot imagine it.

It is a good place to be. It is where I want to remain, the only way to really live. But I am being reminded; it is not for the faint of heart.

‘Lean on, trust in, and be confident in the Lord with all your heart and mind, and do not rely on your own insight or understanding. In all your ways know, recognize, and acknowledge Him, and He will direct and make straight and plain your paths.’ Proverbs 3:5-6.