water of life

'He lifts the poor from the dust
and the needy from the garbage dump.
He sets them among princes,
even the princes of his own people!
He gives the childless woman a family,
making her a happy mother.' Psalm 113:7-9



When I arrived in Phnom Penh to study Khmer at the university a few months ago, I asked a doctor at a local clinic if there was anything I could do there to help out. At this particular clinic, there were plenty of Cambodian nurses, so it wasn't clear where I would fit in. We agreed to stay in touch. Meanwhile, I ran into another nurse I know from Denmark, who invited me to come along with her to see the clinic that she works at outside of Phnom Penh-- built on the grounds of the former garbage dump. It is called the Water of Life clinic, and it provides care to pre and post natal mothers and babies... (and their older siblings, of course!) I really enjoyed the time with her, and couldn't believe how busy she was that Saturday morning! The two of us had one room, where we did 'baby checks' on newborn babies as well as older babies and a few older children, too. Some of the newborns were being seen for the first time; many had been born in their makeshift houses, most likely on a dirty bed.
Sometimes the women would have Cambodian midwives in attendance, if they could come up with the $5 it costs to hire one. This is of course encouraged by the clinic staff, although for many of the woman this is simply beyond what they can afford. So they have their babies at home with perhaps only a sister, mother, or husband in attendance. After holding these seemingly perfect babies in my arms the first day, it was not these differences I thought about. All I thought about was just how similar we all are. These mothers loved and wanted the best for their babies; and they did the best they could to care for them. What a privilege it was to be the first health care provider to hold them and listen to their little lungs and hearts and deem them healthy!
The other nurse I was working with was on her way back to Denmark for a few months the following day. 'So, who looks at the babies while you are away?" I asked her. "Yeah, I don't know yet..." she said. The midwives, who were in the room next to us, were doing simple ultrasounds and health checks on pregnant woman, as well as checking up on the women who had recently delivered. There were more than busy seeing just the woman alone. I couldn't imagine if these 5 or 6 volunteers were looking after the woman AND the children. I quickly volunteered to come out every Saturday that I could. I didn't really feel like I was qualified or knew what I was doing, but I also knew that I never really would. I just had to start, and this was an obvious need and opportunity.

Since that first Saturday, I have returned every week. It continues to be a highlight of each weekend. Honestly, I love it, but it is a challenge, too. Yesterday I finished exhausted. It was hot and the line of people to be seen never seemed to end. I was tired. But it is truly a gift to be able to hold these babies and give simple advise and ideas to their mothers. We get to share with them knowledge and encouragement-- "Being a mother is hard.... but hang in there, you are doing a great job!" The little things, like providing tylenol for headaches and fevers, cream for itchy dry skin, and clean water to drink while waiting-- they all make a difference. Some of the mothers have been helped to start a simple business in order to support their children. Some don't even have a towel to wrap their baby in; and we get to share these kinds of practical things with them. I love it. There are also four young Cambodian women studying to be midwives that are the future of this clinic. It is a joy to work alongside them, watch them love and care for their neighbors, and encourage them as they work hard in this process, too.

Praising God for the tangible way I get to be a part of "lifting the needy from the garbage dump..."

do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

philipians 4:6

M & A

Alyssa reminded me before she left that she reads my blog but I have gotten behind, and I should really post something soon… So here it is; a shout out to the greatest short term interns to have graced Poipet with your presence!

I met Mitch and Alyssa the first day I got to Cambodia, about 5 months ago. They had already been in Poipet for over a month, and I was immediately impressed by their easy-going nature, flexibility and kindness. From my observation, they had obviously jumped in head first into the many unknowns of living in Cambodia. They seemed quite comfortable and content in what I found, frankly, to be a difficult place to live. I liked them immediately.

Over the past five months, we experienced many things as we “did life” in Cambodia together. Mice, dust, noise, lacking communication skills, no hot showers, ;) and getting sick, too— but these were no match for the things God had in mind when He called us to this obscure corner of Cambodia for this season…

I was able to spend some time with M&A in Phnom Penh this past week before they returned to Australia. We had some great morning conversations over coffee, and I loved hearing their hearts overflowing with praise to God for His faithfulness to them in this time (which in their opinion, was not nearly enough!) I found myself remembering how I felt when I left Cambodia after six months- going originally thinking that it was a long time to be away; and returning home feeling like it was no where near enough time!

Most of all, though—I was incredibly encouraged by their faith and trust in God. They came to Cambodia thinking they had “no practical skills” to offer. They quit their jobs and left their lives because they trusted God, even though it didn’t necessarily make sense. They left yesterday for Australia knowing and understanding that He had brought them here with a specific plan. They left a community of Cambodians who deeply love them and have been changed and encouraged by their smiles and selfless service. Yet they were bursting with thanksgiving for all God has given to them!

All He needed was their trust. And they chose to trust. And now there are many (including me!) whom God has touched because of their obedience.

We chatted about how we wish we could really (really!) communicate to those around us about God’s faithfulness in this way. It might be difficult. You might face persecution. It might not make any sense at all. But when He shows you something and asks you to follow, do it! Ultimately there is no disappointment found walking where Jesus leads.

“Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think.” Ephesians 3:20

do. BE.

This is one of the more vulnerable blog posts I have written. It’s natural to write, but feels a little strange to post. But I want to be transparent and honest; because I think it is important to be real. I am overjoyed to be here, but it isn’t easy. I want to make it known that I am nothing without God my Savior. And I want to share my heart because I believe that He can use my story.


Today on a cloudy, rainy afternoon it hit me; I have been wrestling with some questions and ideas that I never even realized I was asking- and today, there they were. I didn’t even realize I had so much going on in my head until I found myself spilling all sorts of thoughts and feelings today in a conversation with a friend.

Leaving a western culture a few months back, I also left behind a lot of western ways of life. But the patterns of thinking and ways of being that go along with that aren’t so easy to leave behind. The importance of what we “do” is one of the first things we identify about ourselves when we talk to others. It’s one of the first questions we ask a stranger after we exchange names. This importance of what we “do” is ingrained in our minds, and we unknowingly allow it to become our identity and what determines our value and our worth.

Not so long ago, I was a “professional.” I had an amazing job, and I really liked it. I felt comfortable in it; and felt like what I did made a difference. I wouldn’t say that too much of my identity was wrapped up in my job—yet it was a job and a title I was proud of. And then, by coming here- I gave it up. I remember the day God spoke to me in that. “This job is a good fit for you. You are good at it. But give it up for now, and trust Me in doing something else.”

Ok God, here I am. I do totally trust you.

I am confident in my being in this space, in this country, at this time. I feel peace in it. I feel completely confident that God has put me here and honestly there isn’t anywhere else that I would rather be.

Yet this peace and confidence doesn’t mean I understand the day to day. I don’t know what God wants to do with me here. I wish there was a way to articulate and communicate how unbelievably humbling (and to me almost ridiculous!) it is for me to be in this country. I completely believe that God has called us to “go and make disciples of all nations” and agree that we are God’s plan to have every tribe and people come to know Him—and this includes us going to the “ends of the earth” to share this GOOD news with all people (Matthew 28:19). I believe it. I have seen how God uses people to love and touch and change other people. Of course He does! But let me tell you, it sure feels different when it is personal! It’s not that I am unwilling; I obviously am willing. But ME?! I am so ordinary. I have nothing, really, to offer. Surely someone else would probably do a better job?? Yes, God, I am here! I am willing—but why would you want to use me?!

It has been such an unbelievable reminder to me how much this is about HIM—and has nothing to do with me! He doesn’t NEED us to do his work. He is God! He can reveal Himself to people in any way He wants to, and why He would choose to use us; his sinful, messy children, is beyond me. But He does! And I can’t get over the privilege it is. But honestly, I am realizing how much we justify ourselves for this task—attempting to make ourselves worthy or fit to do His work and to share His story. But who are we kidding? We have NOTHING without His grace.

And this is what He is telling me.
“Just be you. Do what I tell you to do, but don’t worry if it doesn’t seem to make sense. I know you feel you have nothing; that is ok. Just look to Me, just follow Me.“

“We have this LIGHT shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves. So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we can see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever. My GRACE is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” 2 Corinthians 4:7, 18; 12:9

I know these truths and promises of God, and I believe them. Yet if I am honest, I will tell you that I have some days where I feel useless; my existence in this country so hard to understand. I do still ask God to show me why I am here in light of what I will be "doing.." God, you say my presence here matters… but I still don’t understand why.

And so what do I “do”? Sometimes I go for runs in the mornings. Sometimes I drink coffee at a local café and study Khmer (and make the servers laugh when I ask them questions…) I show up to class everyday at 4pm. I try to love people and be kind to my neighbors. Sometimes I am able to speak clearly and communicate well, and sometimes I am not. I hug kids whenever I get a chance. I pray. I cry. I wash the floor, wash the dishes, and wash my feet nearly 10 times every day….Sometimes it is mundane. And sometimes it is beautiful and I feel so lucky.

Yes, God. I hear you. You say that my being here is important; and I choose to believe even when I don’t understand it most of the time. I will put away my pride in the moments where I feel useless. I am so much more of a child than an adult in this place. But you tell me that is ok. You tell me it is ok to just be. I have a long way to go, but I am starting to understand how to rejoice in that truth.


“…but this happened that we might not rely on ourselves, but on God, who raises the dead.” 2 Corinthians 1:9

“You're here to be light, bringing out the God-colors in the world. God is not a secret to be kept. We're going public with this, as public as a city on a hill. If I make you light-bearers, you don't think I'm going to hide you under a bucket, do you? I'm putting you on a light stand. Now that I've put you there on a hilltop, on a light stand—shine! Keep open house; be generous with your lives. By opening up to others, you'll prompt people to open up with God, this generous Father in heaven.” Matthew 5:14-16, The Message

“The members of the council were amazed when they saw the boldness of Peter and John, for they could see that they were ordinary men with no special training in the Scriptures. They also recognized them as men who had been with Jesus.” Acts 4:13

refuse to despair

"We lift our eyes to the horizon and ask, what great work of JUSTICE might God perform through us, in our time, to the glory of Christ? How might God renew through us the witness for biblical justice in the world? What child...might yet stand and testify that the hand of a faithful God touched them and loved them through the obedience of Christians who refused to despair?"
-G. Haugen, founder, IJM

I watched two documentaries tonight; shown at a local open air media/film gallery here in Phnom Penh. Tonight's films fell under a title something like; 'Gendered Lens; An Insiders Look into Cambodia's Virginity Trade.'

And now I can't sleep. Nothing I heard tonight was new information to me; yet each time I am reminded I feel like someone punched me and my heart breaks again. Literally, as I type this a girl in my city is being raped. For the first time. For the hundredth time.

Poverty. Ignorance. Confusion. Helplessness. Powerlessness. Lack of self worth. Abuse of power. Pornography. Lies.
All drive this issue. My heart cries.

I want and NEED to be more prayerful.How can I live in this city, in the midst of this and not be literally crying out to God on behalf of these girls?

Right now I don't know what else to do, but until God tells me I will pray...

precious

God shows up


’The Lord is king, let the earth rejoice! Let the farthest coastlands be glad. Righteousness and justice are the foundation of his throne. …the earth sees and trembles, the mountains melt like wax before the Lord. before the Lord of ALL THE EARTH…The heavens proclaim his righteousness; EVERY NATION sees his glory. Those who worship idols are disgraced—for every god must bow to Him. Jerusalem has heard and rejoiced, and all the towns of Judah are glad because of your justice, O Lord! For you, O Lord, are supreme over ALL THE EARTH; you are exulted far above all gods…’ psalm 97

In this land filled with so many obvious signs of need, pain, and clear worship of other gods on every corner, I ran down the sidewalks this morning singing these words in my head and aloud. I passed monks, security guards, trash, and pagodas; and praised the God of the universe that He came to live amongst us in this broken world. I praised Him because I am so overjoyed to see the world through the lens of this city and this place. It is so obvious to me that He IS the God of ALL the earth, and as I SEE and HEAR of how He is transforming the lives of people here, I can barely contain my joy- He asked ME to live here—and in turn I get to witness this transformation before my eyes.

Today I was asked, “you have mentioned that ‘God shows up.’ What does that mean exactly?’ Does it mean God hasn't shown up if He doesn't answer our prayers or respond in the way we have asked or would like to see? I said, “God shows up when I have something I can put my finger on that reminds me that He is HERE; that He IS the God of the universe." It may be simple, or may be more profound. Today it was this- a simple song, a city full of people who call upon other gods, and the words of Psalm 97.

So may the mountains melt like wax in Cambodia. May we see and tremble because Jesus is King. I want to see in more and more ways that He is supreme over ALL the earth; and truly, He is exulted above every other god of this country. Today He reminded me; ‘I AM.’ He showed up.

Atoning sacrifice 

Keeper of this life 

Hallelujah You are Savior 

Beginning and the end 

Forgiver of my sin 

By Your mercy
You have saved us 

Jesus You are stronger 

More than any other 

Hallelujah what a Savior 

Jesus You are higher 

My soul’s deepest desire 

Hallelujah what a Savior 

You are the shepherd King 

You lead us by still waters 

Hallelujah You are Savior 

You are my only hope 

Your kindness is my friend 

In Your presence You restore us 

You are the way the truth and the life 

You are my joy and salvation 

Stood in my place taking my shame
Jesus You are stronger 

More than any other 

Hallelujah what a Savior 



(What a Savior, performed here by Laura Story)

running the race (a high!)

Last night I got a text from a friend asking my high and low of the day. When I thought about it, I honestly couldn’t believe the first thing that came to mind. High: Language?! But it was true!

I took a language acquisition class before I left, and I remember reading something under the ‘motivation/morale/encouragement’ section that struck me.

“I AM… ” (learning!)
Two weeks ago, I would not have understood what was just said to me. Now I do; so I must be learning. Sometimes I don’t feel that I am, but then I get breakthroughs that help me to realize that indeed I am.”

It was the truth. I had some ‘breakthrough’ moments yesterday. I often wonder what the heck I am doing even attempting to learn. I recognize the value, I WANT to learn; it just seems like it is something for “smart people” to do; like it is beyond my ability. Sometimes it just seems absurd to start from such a simple place; learning things like each letter and sound (and then discovering each one of the 33 consenents/23 vowels has a variety of different sounds!) Sometimes I wonder if I will ever actually “get it.” But then there are days like today, I remember that although I must start from the beginning, slowly but surely, progress is made.
It still feels like really tiny steps on a really loooong journey. But I am having fun trying. Having fun (usually) being corrected and laughed at when I say something incorrectly. Returning a blank look when I actually have no idea what question I am being asked. Saying one thing when I mean to say something entirely different. ..
Overall it DOES feel like accomplishment, though, because now I can: read many simple words. Write the whole alphabet! Recognize most vowels and consonants and their sounds on the first try ;) Add prepositions and conjunctions to my sentences! Sometimes I can even speak without thinking too much... yay!

Hebrews 12:1-2, says, ‘…let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith…’ It has been swirling in my head for a few years now without rest. I consider it a theme verse for my journey here—it really is like running a race (and the race is long!) It requires discipline and work and effort. It is a difficult but beautiful journey with ups and downs. And my favorite part; “we do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus…” Truly I would not be running this race without fixing my eyes on Jesus. So, to Him be ALL the glory for whatever successes I have in this language journey.


one of the first things I have learned to write; Hebrews 12:1-2

no school

like many children in Cambodia, this 11 year old girl doesn't currently go to school. she knows some of the alphabet, but she can't read. I am praying for an opportunity for her, and seeing what I can do to help- will you join me?

why?

I have a secret way of knowing; many people wonder why I am here. ‘Why would you want to do that??’ ‘What are you actually doing in Cambodia, anyway?’ ‘Can’t you just serve God in the States?’ ‘I don’t know how you could give up all of the comforts of home…’ ‘Aren’t you afraid?’

Honestly, I wish I could somehow eloquently explain what life here is like and why I am here. It’s one of those things you may just need to experience for yourself to really understand. (yes, visitors are ALWAYS welcome!) To say it’s different than my life two months ago is an enormous understatement.

But the most important thing hasn’t changed. Jesus lives here, too.

And really, the reasons I am here are pretty simple.

Jesus speaks more about caring for the poor and those in need than anything else! (read that again—it’s true!!) Cambodians were created in the image of God. Most of the country is deep in need; both spiritually as well as physically. I could go on and on about this; the poverty and brokenness here is something that is perhaps beyond many peoples’ imagination. But that doesn’t change the fact that the people living in the midst of it matter to the God that created them. God’s plan was for His people to care for one another, and to share the good news of His power, grace, and forgiveness with everyone-- even to the ends of the earth! Even to places that are not ‘comfortable.’ There is a reason I have been blessed with resources, skills, and gifts. How can I not share them with people most in need?

So really, it’s not complicated. I was shown a land filled with beautiful people and lots of needs, and asked to go. And I went. And here I am!

Living life in order to be ‘comfortable’ and ‘secure’ is really not living. I am convinced that we are missing out and we don’t even realize it if that is what we are living for. What will we say, then, if God asks us to follow Him somewhere difficult? For me, there is nothing more important than obedience to the God who gave EVERYTHING in order to give me real LIFE. It isn’t always easy. Of course, I have already had some hard moments and hard days. But it is simple. He isn’t interested in what we consider a comfortable and secure life. He promises to show up- to be present. That is all I need to know.

I think this song sums it up well. (and a bonus view of Cambodia, too ;)


You live amongst the least of these
The weary and the weak
And it would be a tragedy for me to turn away
All my needs
You have supplied
When I was dead
You gave me life

How could I not
Give it away so freely?

And I will
Follow You into the homes of the broken
Follow You into the world
Meet the needs for the poor and the needy
Follow You into the world

Use my hands,
Use my feet
To make Your kingdom come
To the corners of the earth
Until your work is done

Because faith without works is dead
And on the cross, Your blood was shed

So how could we not give it away so freely?

I give all myself
I give all myself
I give all myself
To You

Follow You, Leeland

discrepancy

On Monday morning I awoke with a painful right arm. I had a small bug bite there the night before, and overnight it had become hard, swollen, painful, and hot. I noticed that the other bites on my legs and ankle were more swollen, red and painful as well. As soon as I got home that day (I was traveling) I showed a few people, one being a nurse. They were quick to point me toward medical care; and quickly. I was pretty sure I would need to be seen by a doctor; yet their swift replies and concern caught me by surprise. Just because I am a nurse doesn’t necessarily mean I am good at making the right decisions about my own health.

After some back and forth and decisions to make, I realized my best option was to be seen in Phnom Penh, a 6 hour taxi ride from where I was. I wasn’t sure about when I should leave, because deciding to leave right then meant that I was potentially going to pay quite a bit more money than if I waited for transportation in the morning. It wasn’t that I didn’t have the money, I just didn’t know if it was necessary or not. I didn’t feel well at all, and it was hard for me to have people giving me all kinds of advice on what was best for me to do, and all the while feeling really uneasy because medical care was far away.

Despite feeling a little silly moving forward, I decided it best to make my way to the city as soon as possible, and to be seen that night. I had some friends, both Khmer and expats, who helped me arrange transportation, gave me a place to stay, made phone calls, traveled with me, texted and called me with encouragement and prayers.

I traveled to the city in the back of a taxi, flying through the country of Cambodia like a bat out of hell. The driver had no idea where I was going, but it almost felt like a long ambulance drive the way he sped; dodging cows, people on bikes, other cars-through the rain and darkness. But I was chilled from the air conditioner (or fever?) and too tired to think about it much.

But perhaps it was because I couldn’t get out of my mind was what I was actually in the middle of. I was sick. I needed medical care. I was living in the middle of nowhere. Yet I had resources and people who surrounded me which could make quality medical care a reality- this same day. Yes, I had to ride a long way in a car. But this seemed like nothing because at least I was going to see a doctor and be cared for.

I had to tell two Khmer friends I was sick and needed to see a doctor in Phnom Penh. This might sound normal, but it is not. I almost couldn’t speak the words without breaking down. This is NOT a reality for my friends and neighbors here. Another Khmer friend sent me a text; ‘I hope you feel better, I am praying for you.’
I can’t tell you what this feels like; what this means. I can know that I have the money or the health insurance to pay for my medical care in this place. I can know that because I have this ability, it is a smart decision to seek care when my health is in danger. But that doesn’t make it easy to do. It isn’t even as obvious as it might seem. I point out the little details above not because they are all super important, but because they further illustrate the absurdity of the difference of our situations. Do you pay extra money to travel one day verses another day, or do you have an obvious answer based on your lack of income to make a choice at all? What does it feel like to come home and not talk to your neighbors because you are sick but you don’t want to tell them because that would mean explaining what you are going to do because of it? I had thought about these things before, but I didn’t know how it felt. I still don’t know what to do with it.

I got to the International Health Clinic in Phnom Penh about 8:30pm that evening. I filled out some paperwork and was seen in about 30 minutes. A nurse made faces as he looked at my skin, and then got a little worked up over my vital signs. I was okay, but the infection had spread all over, giving me a fever in all its glory. The Cambodian doctor I saw got upset with me for not coming in sooner. “This country is NOT like your country…it is dirty and dusty and you will get very sick from this!’ He very seriously raised his voice at me.

Yes. Not helpful, but thank you… I get it. He told me that I had celluliis and gave me some medications and said I was okay to leave, as long as I came back in if anything spread or got worse. It was most likely simple enough to cure, yet is really dangerous left untreated. I left, grateful to have some answers, some medications, and a home to go to with loving people waiting for me. I am still here, ‘recovering,’ although I feel much better now. The medications are working, and I am beyond thankful.

Yet I still weep, because my health is not really the issue here. I cry on the inside and the outside for this obvious discrepancy that surrounds this situation I am in. It isn’t new. But it is still really painful. I am on the ‘have’ end when I am living amongst so many who are in need- who don’t ‘have.’ What do I do with this? What do we do with this? I wonder how Jesus looks upon our world and sees things like this every day- and how He weeps and feels that much more for each one of us. I know He loves my neighbors as much as he loves me, and desires that we all receive equal care when we are sick. I will keep asking what difference I can make while I have the privilege to live here, amongst His treasured children…

But I don’t have any answers.
So today I write, weep, and keep talking to God…

sharing bread

This morning I awoke at 5:20 to the monks chanting. I wasn’t planning to exercise, but since I was awake anyway, I figured I would. I didn’t feel like running, so I decided to go for a bike ride. The idea to buy some bread from a street seller also occurred to me, which made it even more tempting to get out of bed! I tucked some money in my pocket and set out around 6am. Cambodia is great because even seemingly out in the middle of nowhere at this early hour, there are many other people out, too. Children are walking to school. People are cooking rice. Smells of food grilling fill the air. I didn’t know where the bread seller would be, but I rode until I found one. I bought two loaves, without really thinking about it. I rode home, and as I passed some kids playing in the road, wondered if they had eaten breakfast. I kept riding, having already passed them, but decided that I should share my bread. When I got back, I put my bike inside the gate and came out to say hi to the neighbors. Only two of them were out, but I had met all of them just a few days before and wanted to say hi. One woman was sitting on a bed with her little baby girl, and asked me to sit down. I asked her if she liked bread, and said I wanted her to have some. I have two, I only need one... She thanked me, and we chatted a bit. Did you exercise? Yes. Usually I like to run, but today I rode bike instead. Now I am very hot… On we chatted, until soon, the whole family (and whoever else was around) came over to sit by us. One man asked me my name. One of the other women chimed in. She remembered my name from when I met her a few days ago. I was so impressed! She let me hold her baby. She is seven months old, she told me- and beautiful and smelled like baby powder. She smiled at me, too. It was such a great morning, chatting with these warm people. It wasn’t even the conversation (it was quite broken ;) as much as the idea that I could pause to chat with neighbors, be invited ‘inside’ and be asked to sit down and welcomed all before 7am. Thanks God- You blessed me this morning. I may have to get some more bread to share tomorrow.

5037 drops of joy

Oh how I miss you girls and life at the 5037...

encouragement

yesterday I was walking around the border crossing area of Poipet by myself. I was on my way to one of the casinos to meet Mitch and Alyssa for coffee. There were lots of tourists crossing through customs at the time, but I was quite far off from them, as I walked a different direction. Soon two police officers waved me over to them, looking distressed and annoyed. ‘Give me your passport’ one of them said to me, only half in English. In Khmer I told him, “I’m sorry, I don’t have my passport with me.” I wasn’t able to continue before he said, “Why not? Where are you going? Where do you come from?” They fired questions at me, but as they exchanged glances I could see they were less annoyed.
“I don’t have my passport because I live here. I work with an NGO here in Poipet.”
The whole tone of the conversation had changed and they smiled. “Ah! You speak Khmer so much, so well! You work with the NGO. Oh, very good, have a good day, see you later!”

I can’t say this is a typical interaction with the officers at the boarder when I pass through. But yesterday I was so encouraged! They only asked simple questions so I was able to answer them. I had given them the impression I live here, I work here, this is ‘normal’ for me. They didn’t need to know I have only just arrived and I actually know very little…!

paralyzed

I have been waking up between 5:30-6:30am everyday- on my own. I awake damp with sweat most days. I have high hopes and aspirations for each day; things I would like to do. Things I plan to do. Things I feel I ‘should’ do. But I feel lucky if I am able to ‘do’ even a few of these by the time the day is over. Honestly, IT IS JUST SO HOT! I am having a hard time doing much of anything.
I had forgotten what this feels like….

on the way -part 2

I am just another traveler in this little piece of time
I’m a drifter, I’m a seeker, waking to this thing called life

And I struggle like a baby for each little step I take
I’M LEARNING HOW TO WALK, on the way…

I am losing the familiar
I’m not sure of anything
Every new day, it’s a new world that’s quick to steal my dreams
But the path of least of resistance wasn’t meant for me to take
I’M LEARNING WHO I AM, on the way…

Still I fall and You reach
I am foolish,
So You teach
I wander but You stay
By my side on the way

This is not what I expected
It’s not everything I planned
But there’s beauty in this mystery I don’t have to understand
But I just have to keep on moving, not with vision, but with FAITH
I’M LEARNING HOW TO SEE, on the way

So I feel these blessed burdens, and these weights upon my feet
No one said it would be easy, or that I’d ever find my peace
But I’m moving with assurance through these fears and sweet mistakes
I’M LEARNING HOW TO LIVE, on the way…

On the Way, Elizabeth Hunnicutt

I blogged about this song awhile ago, but I can't help but post it again- THIS is my life.
these lyrics so clearly state the place I am in.

I struggle like a baby.
I'm learning how to walk.
I'm not sure of anything.
I just have to keep on moving (not with vision but with faith)
There's beauty in this mystery I don't have to understand.
I'm learning how to see.
I'm learning who I am.
I'm learning how to live.
I wander but You stay (by my side) on the way

I am so grateful someone could put my emotions to words and music!
(check out this song here)

beautiful things

‘Through him ALL things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. In him was LIFE, and that life was the LIGHT of men. The light SHINES in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it.’ John 1:3-5

Annie sent me the new Gungor album on itunes for my birthday. There is a really great song that I listened to over and over this morning on my run, and reflected on this place I am in- both physically in Cambodia as I adjust to a new culture, as well as the broader world that we all share. I thought about the One who put it all together; placed us in these spaces for this time. Although I seek to know Him and to know His ways, I still end up confused and lost and wonder what it all means. I still have questions about what my life here is really about.

But I still know and believe that He is LIFE. His life is LIGHT, which SHINES in this dark world even when I don’t understand how it all works. The reminder of this song- that not only does He make beautiful things in this dark world, but He makes US beautiful, too- is beautiful in itself and really beyond what I can grasp. I was able to witness hundreds of Khmer teenagers and young adults these past few days clap and cheer and praise Jesus in worship and in prayer. To know that this goes on, and to witness it is different- it was SO beautiful! I already knew that youth in Cambodia are coming to know Jesus in real and life changing ways. But to be able to be in the midst of a group of them was beyond beautiful. It didn’t take an understanding of the language to know that this LIGHT has given LIFE to many here. Things do still seem a bit strange and foreign and even ‘dark’. But the maker of ‘beautiful things’ SHINES in this darkness.

'all this pain
I wonder if I'll ever find my way
I wonder if my life could really change at all

all this earth
could all that is lost ever be found
could a garden come up from this ground at all

you make beautiful things
you make beautiful things out of the dust
you make beautiful things
you make beautiful things out of us

all around
hope is springing up from this soft ground
out of chaos life is being found in you

you make me new
you are making me new
you make me new
you are making me new'

beautiful things, gungor

thoughts after one week

It’s official~ I am back in the land of Cambodia, this time for a while. It is both a blessing to be here and a shock too. Not really different than I expected but more difficult.

I wouldn’t want to repeat the day I left my beautiful friends in Portland; the words scribbled in my journal recall my heart as I sat alone for the first time in awhile.

‘it is almost physically painful to cry and to ache and hurt for this season which has passed. I feel so loved, so cared for. I couldn’t ask for anything else as I move forward, but it still hurts. My eyes are burning and I can’t stop the tears. I remember the psalm which says, ‘you know each tear, each ache is written in your book.’ It is crazy comfort, yet doesn’t allow me to stop crying. I feel very alone.’

And now, in the last week I have moved in and started a life in what seems like a different world entirely. I fall asleep to lizards and a fan, underneath a mosquito net, and wake up to roosters behind my house. The heat in the house reminds me of a wet oven. I bathe three times a day because of the sweat that drips down my back. I don’t use a shower, but wash away the dust and sweat with a scoop and bucket. My feet are again bare and brown. I have been to the market more than the grocery store. My legs and feet burn with tingling and itching from the mosquito bites, which seem to multiply every day. Everywhere I go, I speak broken phases slowly in a language I still don’t usually understand.

Yet I find there is something oddly charming in this different world. I can’t explain it, or even give it words. I feel like God has given me a heart that loves this place, even though it is uncomfortable. A heart that smiles and breaks at the same time while looking out over the city in front of me. I am challenged to learn and grow in ways beyond what I can grasp or understand- just so I can love the people around me well. At first I didn’t know how I would move forward, or if I could. It is a bit easier now, but I still wonder. Literally, all I can do is cry out to God.

‘I don’t understand this. I know I am supposed to be here. I don’t understand why, or how I can do this. But I will try- because You ask. One minute, one hour, one day at a time.’

I learned it is different to say I trust God and desperately NEED Him, and actually be LIVING it. I am in desperate need of Him every day. It is NOT easy for me to be here right now. But it is real life- painful, raw, sweet, ugly, beautiful, and in my face.

And He knows me- and He knows my brothers and sisters who share this life with me here. And He is here, too.

“I will be glad and rejoice in your unfailing love, for you have seen my troubles, and care about the anguish of my soul. You have not handed me over to my enemies, but have set me in a safe place. …but I am trusting you, O Lord, saying, ‘You are my God! My future is in your hands.” psalm 31:7-8, 14-15

still. KNOW.

'be STILL and know that I am God.' psalm 46:10

today is heavy, difficult, and painful. I am having a hard time.
God speaks these words to me, and I want with everything I am to KNOW them and believe them.

March

I am leaving for Cambodia later this month!
I feel like I need to write out more of my thoughts; as this time is sweet and beautiful and I don’t want it passing away without writing down even a fraction of how much I’m thinking.

In the past few days, I have heard some important words from Jesus; from my Bible and through the words of David Platt in some sermons I downloaded online. Here are some of them:

'In the same way, any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot be my disciple.' Luke 14:33

‘If you want to be my disciple, you must hate everyone else by comparison—your father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, even your own life. Otherwise, you cannot be my disciple.’ Luke 14:26

‘but none of these things move me; neither do I esteem my life dear to myself, if only I may finish my course with joy and the ministry which I have obtained from the Lord Jesus; faithfully to attest to the good news of God's grace.’ Acts 20:24

‘A certain ruler asked him, "Good teacher, what must I do to inherit eternal life?" "Why do you call me good?" Jesus answered. "No one is good—except God alone. You know the commandments: 'Do not commit adultery, do not murder, do not steal, do not give false testimony, honor your father and mother.' "All these I have kept since I was a boy," he said. When Jesus heard this, he said to him, "You still lack one thing. Sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me." When he heard this, he became very sad, because he was a man of great wealth. Jesus looked at him and said, "How hard it is for the rich to enter the kingdom of God! Indeed, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God."
Those who heard this asked, "Who then can be saved?" Jesus replied, "What is impossible with men is possible with God." Peter said to him, "We have left all we had to follow you!" "I tell you the truth," Jesus said to them, "no one who has left home or wife or brothers or parents or children for the sake of the kingdom of God will fail to receive many times as much in this age and, in the age to come, eternal life.’ Luke 18:18-30

'Think back on those early days when you first learned about Christ. Remember how you remained faithful even though it meant terrible suffering. Sometimes you were exposed to public ridicule and were beaten, and sometimes you helped others who were suffering the same things. You suffered along with those who were thrown into jail, and when all you owned was taken from you, you accepted it with joy. You knew there were better things waiting for you that will last forever.' Hebrews 10:32-34

'So do not be afraid of them. There is nothing concealed that will not be disclosed, or hidden that will not be made known. What I tell you in the dark, speak in the daylight; what is whispered in your ear, proclaim from the roofs. Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather, be afraid of the One who can destroy both soul and body in hell. Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered.’ Matthew 10:26-30

All of these words speak so much to me; most importantly, they make me deeply joyful to follow Jesus.

He reminds me:

I do not need to be afraid. He knows the number of hairs on my head.

I want to be like Peter: ‘Lord, we left ALL WE HAD to follow you.’

As Paul says in his letter to the Hebrews, ‘when all you had was taken from you, you accepted it with joy; knowing that better things were waiting…’ despite what the world around me shouts.

I believe that I will find true life if I am willing to lose my life for His sake- even if I don’t see what that ‘true life’ looks like for a long time.

I want it to be clear that I love Jesus with ALL my heart, soul, and mind because of the way I live.
This is hard to write, because it is HARD to live. but it's true.


I don’t write this because I think that it will be easy, or that it is easy. But it IS my heart. I DO believe it with all my heart. And I am excited and most of all joyful to open my hands to Jesus for the rest of my life. This isn’t new, or just starting now. But I am, I suppose, beginning a new step soon.

I am sometimes afraid of the unknowns that lie ahead. I don’t at all think this is straightforward, or simple, or going to be easy. I will cry a lot when I have to say goodbye to the people that I love in my house and in my family. But I trust Jesus MORE.

And I have decided if anything, I would like the trust and JOY found only in Him to be known deeply by those in my life. I want to love those around me well these last days because He loves us well; and pray that He could use this time in all of us to remind us of what this time we have here on earth is really about. It is not about the things that so often take up our time and our energy. Forgive us, Lord.

I believe Jesus STILL seeks to change the world- through imperfect followers like us. I pray we could be deaf to what the world around us deems important, and then be able to hear from Jesus who still calls us today to ‘give up everything, and come follow me!’

prayer

O God, help us to be like your Beloved Son, Jesus.
May our baptism be as his was,
binding us in utter solidarity with your world.
Forgive our breathless quest for private spiritual solace
that does not immerse us in the needs of those
buried in the rubble of earthquakes, oppression, and poverty.
Gracious Lord, who in creation made us one humanity
and in your Son created one body in which all share one bread,
pour out on us the delight
of being fully alive in your boundless agape.
Lamb of God, who takes away the sins of the world,
have mercy on us.
Lamb of God, who takes away the sins of the world,
have mercy on us.
Lamb of God, who takes away the sins of the world,
grant us your peace.
In the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. Amen.

James Anderson

authority

At church a situation was mentioned about a Portland politician who said that perhaps one day Portland would be Jesus’ favorite city. After receiving jabs from the media, he clarified; stating that he hoped Portland would be a city that is built on love, understanding, and social justice. Jesus is of course known by all to value these, and as a follower of Jesus I am happy to find Him identified in these values, knowing all agree on their importance. Yet if I indentify Jesus as loving and understanding, someone who values justice for all- and that’s it… I am missing ALL of who Jesus is.

Yes, these are easy things to identify with Him. We can see that. But to see Him as:

“the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation…by him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible…He is before all things, and in him all things hold together.” (Colossians 1:15-17)

This is different.

We are reading through the Gospel of Mark. In Chapter 1, Jesus is teaching in the synagogue, and the people see He is different than the others they have heard.

“The people were amazed at his teaching, because he taught them as one who had authority, not as the teachers of the law. Just then a man in their synagogue who was possessed by an evil spirit cried out, "What do you want with us, Jesus of Nazareth? Have you come to destroy us? I know who you are—the Holy One of God!" "Be quiet!" said Jesus sternly. "Come out of him!" The evil spirit shook the man violently and came out of him with a shriek.
“The people were all so amazed that they asked each other, "What is this? A new teaching—and with authority! He even gives orders to evil spirits and they obey him." (22-27)

Jesus has authority. My desire is for Him to have authority over every piece of my life. Sometimes I think He does. But sometimes I am selfish. Some things are easy to give up. But giving Him everything is not easy.

Yet I honestly trust Him. We sang a song; the line, “this world has nothing for me” was simple and true.

I have been thankful and so much aware of the blessing of my days lately. I have more freedom with my time than I have in a long time. I have great friends. I have had the opportunity to play at the beach and in the mountains- in just the past two days! I have every reason to be happy.

And I am happy. But the happiness is more than that. It is joy, which outlasts circumstances. If I were living for free time, adventure, friendship, and the fun random days, I might be happy sometimes. But the joy I have is deeper. It has come from giving (or attempting to give!) Jesus authority over my life. There are lots of times I must give it up again and again. But I felt it last night, “there is so much more to life than these things...” And even though I don’t know what that means, I move forward. Step by step, day by day- by faith and not by sight. It is not always simple or straightforward, but the JOY is there because Jesus is more to me than a lover of social justice. He is my authority, who holds all things together.

broken pieces

God, I sit
desperate for you to show yourself
desperate for your wisdom
desperate for your healing
the broken pieces of the world have been thrown into mine
and as much as I want to heal
and make everything better
it is not my job
it’s yours

but for all I am able
give me something I can do
a broken piece
so that I can do my share.
and no matter how dark and heavy it gets,
I want to be in the midst of it,
not far away
but you must be the only light that burns inside of me
You are the only light in this darkness.

‘…and his life brought light to everyone. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness can never extinguish it.’ John 1:4-5

loved

the deep awareness of the reality of my situation hit me again yesterday. I am moving to a different country, following only the direction of Jesus. it is real. and it is a little scary too. but the deep awareness was that of how much I am loved by those He has given me. and how great it is to love them back. it was strange and beautiful and yet incredibly real and almost tangible to ponder, and I am grateful in a way I could never put into words. I know that I never want to forget it, though, so I am writing it down.

an anonymous quotation from my high school journal came to me as I reflected.
'there is no surprise more magical than the surprise of being loved; it is God's hand on our shoulder...'

warm pockets

On Saturday morning I embraced the chilly Colorado winter and went for a run along the Santa Fe Trail, which runs right along the property where I am staying. My computer told me it was 19 degrees, so I wore my hat, gloves, and layered on the clothes, as I was determined to enjoy the sunny winter morning and didn’t want any excuse to return inside. For the first mile and a half, my hands were almost numb, the air was thin and frigid, and I felt the heaviness of the layers I wore. Yet the sun was bright and the air was crisp and fresh.

After the first loop, I returned to where I began, and shed some of the weight, as my hands and core were now warm. I felt light; and now free to continue on the other direction.

The sun shone bright in my eyes as I ran east. The rocks slid beneath my feet.

The run was perfect. Not because it was easy, comfortable, or always felt great. But because God spoke to me through the cold, the moments by breath was short because of the 7,000 feet of rising hills, and in the moments when I was just tired.

At one point, as I ran with the sun almost blinding my eyes, I took a breath and it was warm. It was one of those warm pockets- where the air is warm in the midst of the cold surrounding it. It only lasts for a moment. I don’t understand why or how it happens- but it is so real, so tangible. It was as if I was in the middle of sunshine on the beach instead of in the mountains at 7:45am on a January morning.

My iPod played words in my ears, which spoke to me as if He were right there. I became so aware--
That He wasn’t leaving me anywhere, despite where I may go and how alone I might feel. That my life is so short- and living it for myself is really a waste of time. That no matter how hard anything in my future is; I have already overcome it with the cross of Christ. Therefore, I move forward in JOY.

'I'm forgiven by a Savior who did not deserve death

He was blameless and I was lost in shamefulness

Undelivered, but it doesn't seem right

Unless I keep my eyes focused on the Savior who gave His life

In the middle of a world that denies it believes

It is breaking apart at the very seams

There is one thing to be alive for

And it's to take up my cross and follow You Lord



When You stand, the tall trees and mountains bow

When You speak, the fiercest of oceans is still

And I see the sinner seek devotion

The lost become chosen,
and I fall to my knees

I will take up my cross and follow
Lord where You lead me

And I will take up my cross and follow
wherever you go'

(Devotion, Hillsong United)

The sun was bright. The snow sparkled. And the gravel was bumpy under my feet. And during all of this, my purpose was again called to mind. I knew He would be there; for the rest of my life, and surely on this journey ahead.

Like the sunshine.

Sometimes it was cool and colder, but the sun was never gone. The air was thin, yet I was able to go on. And during the few moments I was tired and ready to be done, His voice lingered in the air- somewhere in the warm pockets.

lost

my mind, distracted
I don't know how to emerge
I can't even write

I have been wanting to write lately; there are so many things on my mind. but today, all I could come up with was this haiku.

I have been meaning to post this...

This amazing video makes me smile and reminds me one of the reasons I love working at the hospital! I was however, a little jealous that this is a neighboring Portland hospital, but not the one I work at, so I didn't get to be a part of it.
but I LOVE THE JOY on these faces!

christmas

and they will call him Immanuel, which means ‘God with us.'

God showed how much he loved us by sending his one and only Son into the world so that we might have eternal life through him. This is real love—not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to take away our sins.

In the beginning the Word already existed. The Word was with God, and the Word was God. He existed in the beginning with God. God created everything through him, and nothing was created except through him. The Word gave life to everything that was created, and his life brought light to everyone. The light shines in the darkness,and the darkness can never extinguish it. He came into the very world he created, but the world didn’t recognize him. He came to his own people, and even they rejected him.

But to all who believed him and accepted him, he gave the right to become children of God. They are reborn—not with a physical birth resulting from human passion or plan, but a birth that comes from God.

So the Word became human and made his home among us. He was full of unfailing love and faithfulness. And we have seen his glory, the glory of the Father’s one and only Son.

From his abundance we have all received one gracious blessing after another. For the law was given through Moses, but God’s unfailing love and faithfulness came through Jesus Christ. No one has ever seen God. But the unique One, who is himself God, is near to the Father’s heart. He has revealed God to us.

Matthew 1:23
John 1:1-5,10-14,16-18
1 John 4:9-10

on our side

I have been reflecting on the words to this song today; as Christmas draws near, this the most beautiful story of Christmas I have heard in a long time. This is truly good news, and reminds me that nothing about the real meaning of Christmas or the Gospel of Christ makes sense. And this is the best news of all.

You Are on Our Side, Bethany Dillon

The orphan clings to Your hand
Singing the song of how he was found
The widow rejoices
For her oppressors are silenced now

You sit at the table with the wounded and the poor
You laugh and share stories with the thief and the whore
When You could just be silent and leave us here to die
Still, You sent Your Son for us
You are on our side

The runaway falls at Your feet
You are what he has searched for
The rich man is broken
When he stands beneath a sky full of stars

You sit at the table with the wounded and the poor
You laugh and share stories with the thief and the whore
When You could just be silent and leave us here to die
Still, You sent Your Son for us
You are on our side

You sit at the table with the wounded and the poor
You laugh and share stories with the thief and the whore
When You could just be silent and leave us here to die
Still, You sent Your Son for us
You are on our side

Still, You sent Your Son for us
You are on our side

thankful 2009

for the simple and complex:

talking all night
toothpaste
sisters who aren't
running for hours
cold water from a fountain
clean towels
family dinners
photography
possibility
night lights in the city
solitude
poetry
hymns at church
being a caregiver
the right words at the right moment
contentment
laughter
meeting goals
candles
heat from the vent
holding hands
handwritten letters
listening to friends sing
papaya
discovering new music
smooth sheets
Stumptown coffee
plain yogurt
freedom in honesty
text messages
new love
breakfast in Portland
hammocks
....

join the tradition

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. I love this day, as it's just another reason to praise Jesus for the million and one ways He has blessed and provided for me. Every year, I make a list. I write down EVERYTHING. seriously, everything I can think of. the smell of soap. coffee. clean water which runs from the tap. the list goes on. I have done it for years, and I think cultivating gratitude is important. This year, as a prayer of Thanksgiving, make a list...

'Give THANKS to the Lord Almighty,
for the Lord is good;
His love endures forever.'
Jeremiah 33:11

in light of eternity

Yesterday I had a brief glimpse outside my life here- and the walls I often find myself in. I had an intense vision of joy and hope. A vision of what really matters. I recalled the deep joy I have discovered in Jesus- that freedom from fear, freedom from control and freedom from failure. I was aware that He is God of the beginning, and of the end… and the God of every moment in between.
As I think about leaving the US for a while, I am comforted in knowing that this life is only a glimpse in light of eternity. So I don’t need to worry about those I leave here. I don’t have to worry about anything in the future- or in the present. I have given my life to Jesus, and this is true contentment. I can give the people I love to Him, too- and even though it’s still painful, remember that His love for these people I love is even deeper than mine. For these relationships under His care, we are really only separated for a short time. It is still not easy for me to think to think about. But I am grateful for the glimpse in light of eternity that I was given yesterday. This God who is in charge is so much bigger- and greater-than I can grasp.

“Lord, remind me how brief my time on earth will be. Remind me that my days are numbered—how fleeting my life is. You have made my life no longer than the width of my hand. My entire lifetime is just a moment to you; at best, each of us is but a breath. We are merely moving shadows, and all our busy rushing ends in nothing. We heap up wealth, not knowing who will spend it. And so, Lord, where do I put my hope? My only hope is in you. Rescue me from my rebellion...” Psalm 39:4-8

Jesus lives

This week I found Jesus living
Amidst darkness, addiction, and depression
In lives that have been wrecked by warfare, strongholds and demons
In farm families in the Midwest, businessmen in DC
Tiny tribes in Mali, and the deaf in Guatemala
In blonde-haired children, and in multi-cultural families
In those from atheist homes, Middle Eastern cities, and on the beaches of Indonesia

I was reminded

He performs miracles
He restores relationships
He changes hearts
He transforms cultures

In corners all over the world
He lives

He is near

“If I could hear Christ praying for me in the next room, I would not fear a million enemies. Yet distance makes no difference. He is praying for me.” –Robert Murray M’Cheyne

In the last week and a half, I have felt battered by tactics of the enemy, and acutely aware of just how much I need Jesus in my life as I move forward. This week I am in training with others from around the country who are being sent around the world. We go with the message of hope found in Jesus. I know how much I need Him, but I don’t always live this way. This week, after hearing story upon story, I remember again. I am about to go on a journey that is clearly not something I can do on my own.

This morning we reflected on John 17. Our leader had us choose from three different verses in this chapter; all prayers of Jesus for us- and to make them personal. I was drawn to this:

“Father, I do not ask You to take (her) out of the world, but to keep (her) safe from the evil one. “ (from John 17:15)

I can rejoice and move forward because of Jesus; who has overcome evil on all levels, who prays for me, and who IS nearer to me than the next room.

If you read my blog and want to know more about my journey meeting Jesus in Cambodia, please write a comment!

today's reflections

I need to remember
I am accountable
abundance requires responsibility

not everyone can eat anything they want for dinner
It doesn’t solve anything for me to go without
but may Your voice
keep me mindful
and
aware

I am filled;
most often, full in a way
that makes me uncomfortable
I am thankful;
yet I am not satisfied

how can I sleep without stirring
(even in my heart)
for those who are hungry?

It is not merely food
It is opportunity.
equality.
dignity.
respect.

I have privilege I don’t deserve
my neighbors lack that which they do

You say much will be required
(of me)
for to me, much has been given

what now, God?

I am selfish

teach me how to share
to be mindful and wise
speak your generosity into my being
show me how to give what I have away
because of Your name

rejoice II

'my Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. but I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. and I hope that I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. and I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I know nothing about it. therefore I will trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will not leave me to face my perils alone.'
thomas merton

rejoice

‘do not despise these small beginnings, for the Lord rejoices to see the work begin...’ zechariah 4:10

Last fall I spent a week in Florida, and in that week solidified a promise I had made to God the previous October. I was welcomed into a broader family who understood God’s heart for the world. In this, I committed in word and on paper I would move to Cambodia; with a (more) clear plan in place as to how this was to happen.

Toward the end of the week, I discovered this verse. Yes, I was in the midst of a small beginning. Nothing was going to move quickly- or as quickly as maybe I would have liked. It was going to be a process; with lots of work to do along the way, lots of conversations to be had, lots of explanations. I wondered at times what the impact of this decision I had made would have- for the near future and beyond that, too. Surely I was going to be misunderstood. I was going to feel alone. I was going to be judged. I was going to look like something I am not. I was probably going to hurt people. It was scary and beyond overwhelming. Yet the joy was like nothing I could ever put into words. I was alive in a way I never wanted to lose.

I sought to know the heart of God, and I recognized my decision was ultimately His for me. No matter what happened along the way, what mattered if I were just to follow Him and do what He told me to do? So I took another step in faith- the same faith which has moved me this much closer to where I am today.

It has almost been a year since that week. I smile when I think of what God has done. It was a small beginning, but I can see the Lord rejoicing, too. I am much closer to my departure, even though it often still seems beyond my grasp. And it is. It’s His idea- and I will wait. I rejoice even when I wonder what I am doing some days. I never doubt, but it doesn’t mean it always makes sense to me. Sometimes I feel lost and wonder how this plan He has is really going to work. I feel alone. Recently I was met with the strongest sense of desperation. I cried out to God; ‘if you don’t show up, I absolutely can’t do this.’ It was a hard day. Yet a blessing and a lesson in humility because I really can’t move forward without His hand on me. And I don’t want to.

I still often feel misunderstood- I get the sense that others find me courageous and brave. A good person. Strong. I promise you it’s not at all true. But I do really love Jesus, and know that He is why I walk this way.

Lord, I pray you may rejoice in the work that has begun. Know my heart. I don’t move forward for any reason or in any way other than You.

shake me to life

for (these) I am passionate
not what (foolishness) I get lost in
here.

so take me out of here
physically
mentally
spiritually

take me to where You are
give me your heart
break mine down for those same things
allow me to hurt in the ways you hurt
and see the world as you see it

take away my cynicism and doubt
my need to appear strong
the distance I keep myself away
the safety I’d easily fall into

I want to take the risks
that you say are worth it
in order that I might

love myself tired
spend myself empty
give myself away

because you said you came to give life
and I don’t want any other ‘life’
than the one you offer

so
shake me until I’m awake
shout until I pay attention
break my heart until the hardness has fallen away

then
rescue the beautiful pieces
and put me back together
so that I may go on.


“I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.”
John 10:10

prayer for today

I re-read this prayer yesterday and it came alive.

may God bless you with a restless discomfort about easy answers, half-truths and superficial relationships, so that you may seek truth boldly and love deeply from the heart.

may God bless you with a holy anger at injustice, oppression, and exploitation of people, so that you may find strength to work for justice, freedom, and peace.

may God bless you with the gift of tears to shed with those who suffer from pain, rejection, starvation, or the loss of all that they cherish, so that you may reach out your hand to help comfort them.

may God bless you with enough foolishness to believe that you really can make a difference in this world, so that you are able, with God's grace,do to what others claim cannot be done.

and the blessing of God be with you and remain with you. Amen

~prayer based on a Franciscan blessing, and orginally posted by my friend pip. I loved it then, but felt like it needed to show up on my blog today as well.
thanks girl...

know

I’d like to sit with you
and drink my coffee today
I’d like to learn something
from meeting you
outside the boundaries
to learn because it’s personal
because today I’m not interested
in proper
what is it like to be told a truth
and then be forced to live it
to see the sunshine
and not feel it on your skin
to hope and dream
exhausted
to lose little pieces of yourself
emerging different
embracing uncertainty in each day
because you don’t know
you don't
have an option
trusting strangers
becoming a story
an open book
even if you didn’t want to
details written in codes and acronyms
do you know?
does it make you less of a person?

confessions on the sabbath

I am currently taking an Old Testament Survey class online. I was convicted recently as I listened to a lecture on the Ten Commandments and the professor spoke about remembering the Sabbath. I have recently felt way too busy and overwhelmed. A few friends suggested I take a day or two to do nothing. Relax. Rest. Pray. Read. Whatever. Just don’t work. It sounded great-- but I never made it happen. Why is a day of rest so hard? It’s not that I think that I am so important that something is going to fall apart without me. I just feel like there is always more work to do- and so it’s hard for me to stop until the work is done. Yeah, I know how silly that is. There will ALWAYS be more work to do. So I had to smile when I listened to the “Keep holy the Sabbath” part of the lecture. Seriously God? I get it.
This is one commandment I will admit I have never taken seriously. Why not? I don’t know. I used to think of the Sabbath as going to church. I’m not sure why. I love going to church, but I know that my presence at church on Sunday nights hardly equals keeping the Sabbath holy. But I want to start taking this commandment seriously. I want to change my habits and traditions one day every week. Because not only is it good, it was God’s idea. And not just an idea, or a suggestion- but a command. He knows my life. He knows what kind of crazy distracted world I live in. Just another reason I must rest. Thanks for the lesson. :)

life in pictures

In looking through my friends’ photo blogs, I have admired the way they simply but beautifully tell the stories of their lives. Minimal words, mostly pictures. Simple; but raw, genuine, and real. Vulnerable at times. Funny and lighthearted in others. Overall, I just love the way that a photo a day tells the story of life. I’m starting the project. I'm taking a picture every day for a year. I want to be intentional in my vision. I want to embrace moments and live aware of even the simple things. I am not going to go out of my way to take pictures of special or exotic things- I only want to document the things of my normal day-to-day life. I named it life in pictures on my links.

just willing

In my Perspectives class, I read an article called Just Willing by a man named Casey Morgan. He writes about a two day seminar he and his wife attended in which God opened their eyes for the first time to His love for all nations and all peoples. He talked about how he and his wife discovered for the first time the biblical foundation for cross-cultural missions. God changed their perspective, and their lives were never the same because of it. They decided to sell their house in Texas and move to the “concrete jungle” of East Asia with their three small children.

He reflects on one day at the seminar when someone came up to him, looked him in the eye, and questioned:

“What part of your life reflects God’s desire to be known among every people group on the planet?”

He continues on:

“As far as we could tell, none.

There was no way we could ignore the new information. How could we walk away and continue on as we had been? We faced some major decisions. Our perspective on the world had changed. It was clear that the way we lived- even where we lived- was going to have to change, too.

...to be honest, the prospect of going somewhere halfway around the world was pretty scary. We tried to convince ourselves that because people right where we lived needed Jesus, maybe we ought to just stay put. Still, as we sifted through what God had brought to our attention, it became evident that the most impact we could have would be among those furthest removed from the gospel. So we decided to go. That’s when everyone thought we’d changed.

People around us would often say, “Wow, you guys have such a clear calling to serve overseas. I don’t think I could ever do that.” My wife and I didn’t know what to say. We felt like we were just like them. Why were we so different all of a sudden? Others would comment on how committed we must be. They applauded our self sacrifice and lifted us up as spiritual giants of sorts...

Recently, I’ve been able to put my finger on what separates us from the countless others back home. Willingness.

We never had a special calling to “go.” We’re not any more spiritual than you or the person sitting next to you in church. We’re just willing. That’s all.

If you’re content to stay without ever asking yourself, “what’s keeping me from going to the widest end of the gap?” you may end up wondering of the lack of risk was worth it. If it’s a missionary call you’re waiting for, here it is: Come, follow us.”

I loved this article because he put so many of my thoughts and feelings into words. I read it and thought, “Yes. This is it.” This thing- willingness, is simple and profound at the same time. I share with the author a knowledge that I don’t offer anything special or extraordinary. I believe that as He called his disciples, Jesus continues to call ordinary people. I am not extra holy, heroic, or any more put together than anyone else. In fact, I believe that He seeks to use me in the midst of all of my faults and weaknesses. I have a lot! Yet, when they are always before me, I remember that I can’t do any of this journey on my own. I am reminded every day.

I am just me. But God spoke of this love He has for the nations to me, too. I too have been left changed and made more aware. And I told God yes. I am willing.

weekend in minnesota: people

weekend in minnesota: place

awake

A friend commented recently that she thinks only a small percentage of people are living life awake. This may be on purpose or not. But I think it's true. I've been thinking about it ever since.

My patient tonight was sleepy when I opened the door to her room. I talked softly; telling her what I was going to do. She moved slightly as I uncovered her a little. When I was finished recording her vital signs and drawing some labs, I lifted her arm and covered her up again with the heavy white blankets. As I did, she stirred again; the kind of stirring where I realized she had completely drifted back to sleep in the few minutes it took me to complete my simple tasks. After being covered, I could see she was comfortable again. Wasn't about to wake up. Sound asleep. No longer knew I was standing there. I turned off the lights and closed the door.

And I thought again about this idea of living awake. Even when things are going on all around us, as they were for my patient- it doesn't necessarily mean we wake up. Or want to wake up. It's so much easier to sleep, to numb away the hard things, let the uncomfortable things pass by without dealing with them. Or even being aware of them. We get good at this- the act of forgetting, not noticing, proceeding forward, absent in some way. We don't mind being naive or apathetic. Sometimes, when too many things threaten to take over, I think about how I wish I could just go to sleep until it's over.

But I want to appreciate living awake. I want to be intentionally present in all the details. Even if it's painful. Or uncomfortable without heavy blankets to hide under. I don't want to be numb or absent from any part of my life.

drops of joy

It started with a gray sky. Then a few drops of rain fell. Then more, and more, until we found ourselves in the midst of a complete downpour. At first, it seemed like any other rainy afternoon in Cambodia during the rainy season. One minute it was sunny with a few clouds, the next minute the rain poured down. But this particular day was different. The rain hit my face. It soaked my shoulders. My dry hair was drenched, and it came down, harder, and harder... and harder. It poured down the front of my shirt, and as we rode home on the back of the little moped, I started to laugh. The rain tickled my skin, my ears, my face. I was completely saturated, and it just kept coming. And I laughed harder. I couldn’t stop laughing, until the tears ran from my eyes, mixing with the raindrops which already covered my face. I remember not even being sure of what it was that caused me to laugh until I cried. It was like the absurdity of the whole thing overtook me until I couldn’t control my emotions. I was living in a hard place, and the frequent rain was just one more thing. Yet on that day the rain and gray skies weren’t discouraging- although the rest of my week might have been. I remember God showing up in those ten minutes, reminding me that in the midst of it all, I was living- and living fully engaged and alive. It was a tangible reminder about beauty and hope in the mundane, wet, dirty, and messy pieces of life.

I have been swimming in my thoughts lately. Feeling discouraged sometimes too. Wondering what God is doing in me, and how He will choose to use my messy and imperfect life. Today I sat for awhile at Mt. Tabor park, under the tall trees and gray of the Portland sky. Then rain started to fall. Only a few drops at first; but soon it was another downpour. My clothes were stuck to my skin, my hair was dripping, and in the warm air I was reminded of that day in Cambodia. I smiled as I was reminded again of the deep joy and hope which lie in the midst of the gray and wet.

on the way

i am just another traveler
in this little piece of time
i’m a drifter, i’m a seeker
waking to this thing called life
and i struggle like a baby for each little step i take
learning how to walk on the way

i am losing the familiar i’m not sure of anything
every new day it’s a new world that’s quick to steal my dreams
but the path of resistance
wasn’t meant for me to take
i’m learning who i am on the way

still i fall and you reach
i am foolish, so you teach
i wander but you stay
by my side on the way

this was not what i expected it’s not everything i planned
but there’s beauty in this mystery
i don’t have to understand
but i just have to keep on moving
not with vision but with faith
i’m learning how to see on the way

still i fall and you reach
i am foolish, so you teach
i wander but you stay
by my side on the way

so i feel these blessed burdens
and these weights upon my feet
no one said it would be easy
or that i’d ever find my peace
but i’m moving with assurance
through these fears and sweet mistakes
i’m learning how to live on the way

on the way,
elizabeth hunnicutt

because justice matters

love BECAUSE darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that. and all of life is interrelated because all men are caught in an inescapable network of mutuality, tied in a single garment of destiny. whatever affects one directly affects all indirectly. I can never be what I ought to be until you are what you ought to be, and you can never be what you ought to be until I am what I ought to be. Martin Luther King Jr. therefore, you shalt not be a victim. you shalt not be a perpetrator. above all, you shalt not be a bystander. Yehuda Bauer. the trouble is that once you see it, you can’t unsee it. and once you’ve seen it, keeping quiet, saying nothing, becomes as political an act as speaking out. either way, you’re accountable. Arundhati Roy. so listen because JUSTICE is conscience, not a personal conscience but the conscience of all of humanity. those who clearly recognize the voice of their own conscience usually recognize also the voice of justice. Alexander Solzhenitsyn. act in love knowing that in this life we cannot do great things. we can only do small things with great love. but it is not the magnitude of our actions but the amount of love that is put into them that MATTERS. Mother Teresa. and in the end justice will rise up and hope and history will rhyme. Seamus Heaney.

(thanks Juice!)